TOTALLY NOT FAKE NEWS: The NFL New Year Continues for the Houston Texans

HOUSTON – The NFL New Year is off and running. The first wave of Free Agency hit, and the next cycles continue to follow on like aftershocks . The draft is moving ever closer to reality, and off, way, way off in the distance, NFL teams can see the far horizon that is mini-camp, pre-season and then the regular season. The Houston Texans continue to gear up for those days.

“Been very, very busy as of late. Got to start the NFL New Year off right.” Noted one harried looking Texans staffer. “Look, we [Ed note: We = the organizational We] know that a lot of people probably haven’t been watching the team…[KITTEN], we couldn’t even get the local press, who are paid to do this, to watch the games. It’s been tough, but maybe, just maybe, we are moving up in the world.”

After talking with team leadership about goals for the new NFL year, the Texans immediately set out to upgrade across the board. While it was not likely that they would go all-in on the big, marquee free agents, they did make a number of targeted actions to shore up the, uh, myriad of roster shortfalls. Starting with the return of Case Keenum to Houston, who will look to build up on a 2-game winning streak for games started for the Texans, the squad moved forward. The team made a trade that brought in a new guard and a few other folks.

Yet, perhaps the biggest day of the Texans 2023 season so far was this past Sunday, when the team conducted two marquee actions. The 1^st was signing Pro-Bowl Starting Left Tackle Laremy Tunsil to a contact extension. There’s a lot of numbers and NFL-math-type thingys involved here, but bottom line, Tunsil is staying with the team for another 3 seasons, and he is going to be the highest paid tackle per annual salary in the game.

“I want to thank the Houston Texans for making me the richest tackle in the game. I am so appreciative that they helped me fulfill my individual financial goals. I look forward to a long and prosperous financial relationship with the Texans, as they continue to recognize the best talent with the best paychecks.” Tunsil observed, as he continued to count a large stack of bills.

Our reporter did chime in “So, you are looking forward to helping the team improve upon its record and get back to playoff contention, right?”

Tunsil replied: “Man, I am just thinking about all of that money, what I am gonna invest in, and…oh, right, right, the team thing. Yes, I mean, of course I am happy to be a part of the team and to help them win.”

Photo by Justin Casterline/Getty Images

That came right on the heels of the Texans making another move on the SAME Day in shipping disgruntled WR Brandin Cooks to Dallas for a 2023 5^th round pick and a 2024 6^th. Cooks seemed happy about the move. Or, at least he seemed like he was, but before he could finish the ritual farewell of so many recent Texans departees, Nick Caserio immediately grabbed him from behind, spun Cooks around, kicked him hard in the groin, unleashed a vicious Nick Caserio stunner and then proceeded to throw the now-unconscious Cooks out of the Texans facility on a truck bound for Dallas.

“Caserio 3:16 said I just traded your [KITTEN] to Dallas! Now, get the [KITTEN] out of my facility, you whinny little Diva punk-[KITTEN] [KITTEN]!!!” exclaimed a rather pumped up Texans GM, who proceeded to chug down cans of Shiner Bock beer.

Texans CEO Cal McNair felt pretty confident when the news broke. “Hey, most of America may take Sundays off, but we don’t. Not around here, and not anymore. We are working hard 24/7, and that means Sundays.”

Given that the Houston Texans’ primary day of employment during the season is actually on Sundays, that should be encouraging news for the fanbase.

The roster upgrades continued with the signings of Devin Singletary and Dalton Schultz to bolster the offense. Then, just a couple of days ago, the Texans signed LB Denzel Perryman.

“I’m sorry. I just couldn’t help myself, but just HAD to sign a LB. I know it is a habit of mine, and I am trying to cut back on signing free-agent LBs, but I just had to. HAD TO!!!!” Nick Caserio lamented.

“Nick, it is ok. It was a cheat day anyway. You’re allowed to sign a LB ever now and then. Just don’t go overboard like you did a couple of years ago.” Cal reminded the GM.

As for the rest of the team, Head Coach DeMeco Ryans continues to build up his staff. Yet, there are those who think that perhaps there is room for one more.

“No, I already have a DL guy. Look, I think I know what you are asking, but no, JJ Watt is not coming to coach on staff. Would be great, but apparently, he is engaged in bigger and better things.”

Sources indicated that JJ Watt was indeed engaged with some major challenges.

“Apparently, even JJ Watt ran into trouble trying to get tickets to the latest Taylor Swift concert. Originally, he tried working through Ticketmaster, but that turned into a total bust. It took him physically going to Taylor Swift’s manager’s office just to get the tickets.”

Our reporter followed up:

“So, Watt just showed up and used his celebrity to get the tickets?”

The response:

“Actually, no, the manager was all ‘…And you are? Oh, some football player…well, that’s nice, but we get so many of this ticket requests that I just can’t GIVE you the tickets to buy just so you can look good for your wife. I’m sorry. I know that Ticketmaster is the love child of Rob Manfred and Roger Goodell, but you’ll just have to do your best.

At this point, Watt then played the ultimate trump card…he told the manager that he was coached by Matt Burke. At this point, the manager stopped mid-sentence and immediately made a call. Within 1 minute, Watt had those tickets.”

Our sources wondered what transpired in that call between the manager and the individual in question. Well, using methods that are absolutely above board and in no way unethical or illegal in most jurisdictions, we have the transcript of that phone call:

Manager:

“Hey, I got this football player dude…JJ Watt I think his name was. Anyway, guy says he played under Matt Burke.”

Voice:

“Wait, did he say Matt Burke. Like, THE Matt Burke!!!”

Manager:

“Yes”

Voice:

“Oh! My! [Durga]! Matt Burke is my divine muse. That guy was SO, SO helpful when I needed him. Ran into the guy at a coffee shop. I was trying to figure this one track, and the guy just GOT ME! Well, after he talked with the barista at the counter to describe what it was like to pick the beans for the Rwandan coffee he was ordering, Burke and I just started talking. I had that whole break-up thing, again, and I was lost for what to do. He was all ‘Just channel your emotions into your songs.’ When I told him that I was taking some social media abuse for the inspirations for my songs, Burke went all “You just have to understand that haters are gonna hate, and you just have to shake it off.’ I think you know how that went…”

Manager:

“Yes, yes I do!”

Voice:

“So, hook the guy up with however many tickets he needs. Give him a few hashtags for good measure.”

The result:

Whether Watt will eventually join the DeMeco staff is a debate for another time. Until then, the Texans will continue to use this off-season to improve, and we at Totally Not Fake News will continue to update you on all the comings and goings of the team.