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Well, that was something, wasn’t it? Your Houston Texans just completed their 21st NFL Draft, but perhaps this iteration was the craziest in franchise history. The Houston 2023 Draft could easily take its place among the most whirlwind-ish of any team’s draft in NFL history. They didn’t waste time, taking a QB at two (not completely unexpected), and then...commence to festival:
- Trade multiple picks with Arizona to grab Will Anderson Jr. at the third pick (thus fulfilling the Fracking Bonkers scenario);
- Trade back into the lower end of the second round to get Juice Scruggs
- Trade around in the 3rd round to get local product Tank Dell
- Let Philadelphia cut in line for the price of a 2024 draft pick to get another Georgia defender in the 4th round
- MOAR and MOAR trades in day three, until we ended up with the nine members of the 2023 Texans draft class.
If the upcoming season can match the excitement level seen in this draft, then we could be in for the most entertaining Texans’ season of the 2020s. Granted, that is a very, very low bar, but for the apathetic fandom, this was a shot of pure adrenaline. Will it translate into a faster turnaround? TBD. However, you can’t accuse the Texans of not trying.
As expected, the masthead climbed out of hibernation to offer their real-time takes on the most exciting period of Texans actions since the pre-pandemic days. Along the way, we offered our inputs on players, fulfilling our 21st Amendment rights, insights into the legend of Andre the Giant, working on obtaining a new sponsorship (cough, cough, Bartesian, cough, cough), and other goofy insights, all while trying to keep up with a Texans fun office working on full-on “Wild Toro” mode. You can also have fun figuring out which masthead members cheer for which colleges.
In classic ‘Dog fashion, all questionable words have been replaced with [KITTEN] get around those pesky NSFW requirements. Who knows? There may come a point where you can read about the Texans and not feel like it is a dirty secret, to only be shared with closest friends...Anyway, done with the draft and on to the ‘Dog:
vballretired
This NFL Draft has been brought to you by Bartesian. When your team announces the week of the draft that failure is necessary, you need a stiff drink. Bartesian makes over 50 different cocktails flawlessly. Get blitzed as you watch your team kick the QB hole another year down the road
I’m going to get us a Bartesian sponsorship if it kills me
On a long enough timeline, the survival rate drops to zero. In between 1995 and 2015, 20 quarterbacks were the first QB off the board in the first round (except 1996 in case you were wondering). Five became likely HOFers while three would be labeled as busts. The second quarterback taken (even allowing for non first rounders) had four such HOF players with eight qualifying as busts. Of those eight busts, only six were picked in the first round. That’s a high bust rate but the odds of finding a future HOFer are almost as good. [KITTEN], let’s pick a QB.
Kenneth L.
Let’s not mess this up
l4blitzer
Whhhhuuuuttt? The Texans derping this grand draft opportunity? After following the short history of this franchise??? Where would you ever get that idea…after watching this past season…or the one before that, or before that…or before…you know what, never mind…
vballretired
Failure is not only an option. It’s inevitable apparently. Let’s draft a defender with a top two pick. It’s not like we haven’t done THAT before.
Kenneth L.
None of the 4 QBs will be there at 12
Patrick
A metaphorical hole being patched in the foundation here at NRG Stadium
l4blitzer
It is nothing…it is everything
vballretired
Jackson back in Baltimore. We avoid QB and we will have the worst QB situation in the AFC
l4blitzer
And we won’t have the Astros to distract from the drama/pain
Patrick
Or playoff hockey.
vballretired
Case Keenum fans could be insufferable this season. Does Doordash have a Screwdriver or Whiskey Sour?
Patrick
Probably. Depends on the liquor stores near you.
vballretired
Of course, I have a Bartesian so I’m set
I’m getting a pre-draft burger to prep the stomach. This is going to require a chemical balance.
If the Titans trade up to get Stroud I’ll need at least one beer if not two.
l4blitzer
Have an early appt tomorrow morning, so the booze intake is going to be severely curtailed. That might make the night tougher than it needs to be…
Patrick
I’ll pick up the slack brother.
l4blitzer
vballretired
I’m on it
I’m going to have to space them out though. I do have to cover this thing live. I don’t think SBNation wants the Eagles to take Blavfrs Rtequirt
l4blitzer
Didn’t Kiper have him graded as a second rounder?
vballretired
He’s a tweener. I think he might be safetybacker at the NFL level
l4blitzer
So, we’re gonna trade back up into the 1st to get him to play center/LB, aren’t we?
vballretired
First full time two way player since Chuck Bednarik
l4blitzer
We should be so lucky, but no, we’ll get the next Hollywood Henderson, but without the whole talent thing…
vballretired
I just went on Chorus and saw “Texans select C.J. Stroud”. I thought, “[KITTEN] this beer won’t be enough.
l4blitzer
“My advice to you is to start drinking heavily…”…wait a minute, that’s this team’s mantra for this decade (at least)
vballretired
Anyone know anyone at the draft party? I figure Cal and Hannah might need more protection.
Someone did a study that 2.6 drinks was the chemical balance level needed to succeed on the golf course. What’s the ideal equilibrium for a Texans fan?
l4blitzer
Perhaps only Andre the Giant could ever have truly achieved that level, he of the legendary 116 beer night…
vballretired
My Durga, I’d be in a diabetic coma after only five percent of that
l4blitzer
Some of the stories about him make him the late 20th century version of Paul Bunyan or something like that. Don’t even have to be a wrestling fan to enjoy those tales.
vballretired
Andre was the brute squad
l4blitzer
Remember reading about how a couple of the actors tried to keep up him some nights (spoiler alert: it did not go well)
vballretired
Rumor is that the Titans will trade up to three to take Stroud. If that happens I’m going back to my garage to grab a couple more
l4blitzer
So. Much. Drama.
vballretired
The Rampa Ray Blexaneers take Drewness Tranglebuck Splitguard from Minnedakota Tech
l4blitzer
Oooohhh a couple of A-10s flying over…nice touch
Patrick
Dude was friggin’ enormous, I’m surprised he COULD get drunk.
vballretired
Who said he was. It might have been a Homer Simpson deal where they just ran out of booze.
l4blitzer
Supposedly, when he went in for back surgery, the doctors had no idea how much anesthetic to give him, so they asked how much alcohol it took him to get buzzed, and his colleague said he would get buzzed after a quart and a half of vodka.
Patrick
[DURGA][KITTEN].
l4blitzer
Not that I advocate anyone, even us long-time Texans fans, to even come close to matching that…
Patrick
That’s “New Orleans drunk” for me.
l4blitzer
No matter how much the Texans will want to make us do that.
Patrick
Like I can only achieve that in New Orleans.
vballretired
Bartesian? Are you listening? This is a golden sponsorship opportunity
l4blitzer
Are they on social media…maybe we can hash-tag them or somethin’
Patrick
I love they’re showing all these shots of Kansas City, a city that brags about its fountains because it has literally nothing else visually worthwhile.
Patrick
FTR, Bartesian does appear to be on Twitter.
vballretired
@Bartesian
Here comes the pomp and circumstance. Or is it pimp and circumstance?
Patrick
Sure, why not.
The thing I “love” about this draft is that there’s so many different camps of Texans fans for who they want, unlike last year when we all knew going in it would be Stingley and we just shrugged.
Kenneth L.
Guys i cant feel my toes. Is this okay?
vballretired
I haven’t in years
Patrick
For me it’s pretty normal, but I have bad blood circulation.
l4blitzer
Depends on the weather…
Kenneth L.
Hahah
Patrick
Well I’ve already seen a tipped pick. Bye bye Bryce. It was a nice dream while it lasted. Can I get a [KITTEN] Lovie Smith in the chat?
l4blitzer
Well, we’ll just save that for a special occasion…like when we play them.
vballretired
I’ll give you a [KITTEN] Brandin Cooks
l4blitzer
Goodell really needs to lean into the Mr MacMahon thing…should even demand that the announcer call him “Mr. Goodell”
vballretired
Pimp and circumstance
Patrick
Oh [DURGA], is every pick going to be like this?
l4blitzer
Probably…you may resume your drinking now
vballretired
Didn’t ever stop
l4blitzer
…and we’ve entered the “cheap pop” portion of the draft
vballretired
How about a sip every time this [KITTEN]ing thing gets delayed with random “celebrities”
l4blitzer
We’d be in Andre the Giant territory by pick 7
Patrick
I don’t want to die vball.
Levy
we are running late
Patrick
We might be on time if they didn’t feel the need to drag out whoever the [KITTEN] to start things off.
Levy
At least Carolina is on the clock
l4blitzer
IIRC, didn’t the NFL instruct teams to take their time, as last year, they (NFL) felt like the teams were moving too quickly for the “drama” aspect?
Patrick
It wouldn’t surprise me if that’s true. It’d annoy me, but not surprise me.
Kenneth L.
lets goo
Patrick
They picked quickly.
l4blitzer
The contrast between the cameras for the Carolina and Houston draft rooms…
Patrick
STROUD!
IT’S STROUD!
[CJ Stroud coming to Houston]
Patrick
OH THANK WHATEVER, IT’S NOT WILL LEVIS
Joe Critz
WOOOOOO
l4blitzer
Great, I have to now cheer for a Hairless Nut alum…still, if he can ball like he did against Georgia, I’ll forgive it.
Patrick
“You’re going to a team that’s looking for a new identity.” Incorrect. We’re looking for AN identity.
l4blitzer
Now, what will the Cardinals do?
Kenneth L.
Look its the safetst pick and it has risk
WE ARE TRADING UP
Patrick
Wut?
Kenneth L.
WAIT IS THIS REAL
vballretired
Yes
Patrick
WHAT IS HAPPENING?!
Kenneth L.
can someone tell me what we traded????
randallbronn
HOUSTON MOVED BACK UP TO 3
Kenneth L.
I can’t breath
randallbronn
I HAVENT SEEN THE PACKAGE
Patrick
Arizona gets this year’s second, one of next year’s first and third rounders.
According to Rich Eisen.
l4blitzer
The FRACKING BONKERS scenario is happening….
[Will Anderson to Houston at pick 3]
Patrick
How...HOW?!?!
l4blitzer
Welp…Caserio may have just kept himself in Houston for another contract, especially if both of these picks pan out…
vballretired
Let’s [KITTEN]ing go!!!!!!!!
l4blitzer
Welp, barring another massive trade, we are likely done for quite a while (3rd Round)
No 2nd, which kinda sucks, but we still have plenty of day 2 picks
Patrick
[KITTEN], I might have to drink to celebrate now.
And enough draft capital to get into two if they really want.
vballretired
What was the trade?
randallbronn
Houston get picks 3 and 105 and Arizona gets 12 and 33 plus a first and 3rd next szn
Not sure which first but most likely the Cleveland first
l4blitzer
Can you designate a 1st round pick (like say that Arizona gets the lower of our 2024 1sts next season)?
Patrick
So really not terrible.
Kenneth L.
Well I mean in terms of value. Having that many first round picks is just tough on pay roll. I think he wanted to do this from the start.
GREAT pick for the colts
[Ex-Baltimore team picks Anthony Richardson]
Patrick
I don’t like it.
I don’t like any pick that might be good for the Colts.
vballretired
[KITTEN]. Well maybe he doesn’t play in 2023
l4blitzer
Hope Will Anderson Jr. maintains his conditioning if he has to chase [Richardson].
Kenneth L.
i could talk about this for an hour - essentially, i really believe this is a front office that got dressed down over the offseason. they thought they did a lot of good work, but when push came to shove an embarrassed ownership pushed them to make a big move. and make a big move they did
this front office had to show their interest and push the envelope.
vballretired
I’m loving what we did
randallbronn
This is gonna be a massive success if Cleveland does better
Kenneth L.
i honestly love what we did
vballretired
Any details on our trade?
Patrick
This is a burst of competence that I had forgotten the Texans were capable of.
Texans 2nd this year, 1st next year and 3rd next year for the third overall and a third (I think) this year.
l4blitzer
Adam Schefter (@AdamSchefter)
Cardinals get: 12 33 1st in 2024 3rd in 2024 Texans get: 3 105
Patrick
Yeah, that.
l4blitzer
and I wrote about the Texans getting #2 and #3 picks as sort of a wild/bonkers out of left field scenario….AND THEY DID IT! Now, I guess I need to write about how they will not completely suck.
vballretired
Makes us a standard team this year and next.
Kenneth L.
I havent stopped sweating
ugh i did really, really want the 33rd pick. but i think we’ll use the rest of our picks to trade into the 2nd round
vballretired
So essentially we get an extra four for the second rounder. Next year will be conventional
Patrick
I hope. I don’t think my heart could take another draft like this.
vballretired
What’s the beverage of choice if you are actually proud of your team?
l4blitzer
Don’t know…it has been so long since anyone has legitimately said those words.
Patrick
Water?
vballretired
Top shelf? I’m so used to the Triple X Whiskey. [KITTEN], this might rate Jack Daniels or dare I say Gentleman Jack
Patrick
I’m just going to drink my sadness drinks but designate them as happiness drinks.
l4blitzer
Oooohhhh…let’s not get all crazy here. Gotta wait for a winning season for the real good stuff (Gentleman Jack). Regular JD however, is completely acceptable.
Patrick
LOL, the Cards are trading up to 6
l4blitzer
…with us???
Patrick
With the Lions it looks like?
vballretired
Jalen Carter?
l4blitzer
Talking heads are talking OT for the Cards
vballretired
Interesting
Buckle up as Jonathan Gannon would say
Patrick
Well the heads called it, L4.
l4blitzer
Hairless Nut OT Paris Johnson to the Cards
vballretired
Trade Davis Mills for an 8th rounder?
Kenneth L.
my roommate just asked me if the NCAA owns the NFL
vballretired
Hmmmm
Patrick
Okay, I have so many questions about this question.
[Tyree Wilson to the Raiders]
l4blitzer
For a brief nano-second…if that…I almost felt sad for Levis, still sitting in the back room, even with all the sound and fury about him being the #1 or #2 player taken. He’ll still get his money to buy the good coffee and good mayo for his morning drinks
Kenneth L.
wow my heart rate is still unhealthy right now
vballretired
Thank [Durga] we weren’t subjected to that. Think Hannah busted into the war room and made Nick an offer he couldn’t refuse?
And that’s another sip for everyone
l4blitzer
“Either you draft Stroud and Anderson, or your brains will be on this table…”
Patrick
Bijan Robinson to the Falcons
[Bijan Robinson drafted by Atlanta…Dallas suddenly feels sad]
vballretired
[KITTEN]. Good pick by them
Kenneth L.
y’all my roommate who has no understanding of football is trying to watch the draft with me and it’s [KITTENING] infuriating
Patrick
Nick Caserio wakes up with a horse’s head in his bed.
Kenneth L.
He cant get how University of Texas and the Houston Texans are separate and it gives me nightmares
l4blitzer
I’m not sure there is any hope for your roommate
Kenneth L.
he just asked if Bijan robinson was a QB
as i just told him he is a running back
Patrick
Bozhe moi.
Kenneth L.
and just asked why Quinn Ewers hasnt been drafted
l4blitzer
Philly traded up to 9
Patrick
How does he know who Quinn Ewers is if he doesn’t understand football on any level?
Kenneth L.
good question - he didnt know who Ewers was he just pointed like a child
vballretired
Jack would have tried
Wouldn’t it be hilarious if we pulled a Dikta and traded our entire draft for JSN?
Patrick
I have images of you strapping your roommate into a chair a la Clockwork Orange and forcing him to watch the first 20 seasons of Texans football.
(to vball) It would be hilarious if Tennessee did that. If we did that, I’d blow a gasket.
vballretired
I’ll take the frontal lobotomy
l4blitzer
BO’B/Easterby might have pulled a Ditka, but Hannah will make sure Caserio never considers that.
Patrick
Durga save the queen?
vballretired
You sweep the leg and his weight displacement won’t work. He will quit the game
[Jalen Carter to Philly]
Patrick
Jalen Carter to the Eagles.
Kenneth L.
wow fantastic pick and they gave up NOTHING
l4blitzer
‘Cause the Iggles needed another nightmare DL player
vballretired
[GATITO]
Can you put a personal driver clause in a contract?
l4blitzer
Either that or a couple of Philly fans to throw batteries at him if he makes any dumb driving decisions
Kenneth L.
lmao
Patrick
It’s Philly, they’d probably take the fall for him if he did have more vehicular death incidents.
Kenneth L.
haha - think this is a great fit for both
Patrick
“That’s just what he does, we don’t wanna crimp his style”
vballretired
That’s what Irvin said
l4blitzer
Curious to see what the Bears do here. OT, WR?
[Narrator: The Bears took OT Darnell Wright out of Tennessee]
vballretired
And we get to the what the [KITTEN] portion of the proceedings
l4blitzer
Somewhere, Lovie Smith is saying “So, you still want to tell me to go [KITTEN] myself after that last game?”
Patrick
Yes, Lovie. Yes, I do.
Joe Critz
if this is will levis the AFC south just completely changed in the span of just 2 years
l4blitzer
BE-SF pick is in…are mayo sales about to spike in Nash-Vegas???
Patrick
Oh my [DURGA], let them take Levis, please, I will laugh my butt off.
l4blitzer
All the other “Draft rooms” really make Houston’s seem lame…or H-town elects to go with the worst camera angles of any of the teams
[BE-SFs go with a smarty-pants (Northwestern) OT Peter Skoronski. Mayo sales remain flat in Nashville]
vballretired
Poor Levis tumbling down the board
Patrick
Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
C’mon Dallas, you know you want Levis.
vballretired
JSN lasting to 12 too
l4blitzer
Does Detroit go QB or WR?
Patrick
Yes.
l4blitzer
SOLD!!!!
Patrick
Oooooooooooooooooooooooh Jahmyr Gibbs to the Loins.
l4blitzer
Wow…two RBs in the top 12…are we back in the 20th century?
Patrick
YOU. RUN. TO. SET. UP. THE. PASS.
vballretired
This is one [KITTEN]ed up draft
Patrick
Yes, and that’s what makes it so wonderful!
l4blitzer
Well, when you pass, three things happen, and two of them are bad…but didn’t think the NFL was resurrecting THAT philosophy? Are we gonna see the Single Wing in the next couple of years?
vballretired
Do we have the ammunition to trade up into the later part of the first round?
Joe Critz
lmao what are the lions doing
vballretired
How about the Veer?
Patrick
Probably, but I don’t know how trigger happy Nick still is.
l4blitzer
Still got two 3s and 2 4s in 2023 and a number of day 3 picks…don’t know about 2024 set up as of now.
vballretired
I remember the wishbone in school. 18 Read. 19 Read. 18 Read. 19 Read.
I think 2024 is almost seven picks at normal intervals
l4blitzer
2024: one 1st, one 2nd, two 4ths, one 5th, two 7ths
vballretired
Seven picks.
Who the hell knows if that bold move works but it’s finally a gamble on actually being good
Patrick
Good news Kenneth! You don’t have to worry about Lukas Van Ness anymore!
l4blitzer
Still left in 2023: two 3rds, two 4ths, one 5th, three 6ths, two 7ths
Patrick
So plenty of ammunition.
vballretired
Who was just picked?
[DL Lukas Van Ness Iowa to Green Bay]
l4blitzer
Steelers now at 14th
Joe Critz
its steeler time
come on joey porter jr
vballretired
Levis here would be hilarious
l4blitzer
I can’t see the Steelers doing that…they are “usually” smarter than that…the Jets on the other hand…
Patrick
What is a Broderick Jones and should Steelers fans be happy?
l4blitzer
ESPN with the TV tip of the pick of Broderick Jones (OT from Georgia)
vballretired
[KITTEN], they went conventional. [KITTEN] them.
Patrick
I mean the answer to the second part of that question (Joe, excepted) is no, but is this a good pick?
Booooooooooooooooooo
Joe Critz
broderick jones is cool I like him
I would say its a good pick but not fantastic
Im also still a bit of a fan of dan moore jr. so personally i wouldve preferred a defender but jones is more than worth it for the potential
Patrick
Guess [Pittsburgh] needs someone to keep Kenny Pickett from becoming dead.
vballretired
That’s overrated
Joe Critz
yea honestly i wanna see him fake slide every game
running is back apparently so its time for him to use them legs!!!
l4blitzer
The Jets draft room looks quite dead right now
Bonkers scenario….Houston trades some of their Day 2/Day 3 picks to the Jets to get a WR…probably not going to happen…but…
Patrick
I might very well faint if they traded into the first round again.
l4blitzer
ESPN focusing on Nolan Smith (LB, Georgia)
So, at this point, the big needs for H-town would appear to be WR and C, but we could probably use depth all over.
vballretired
Oh sure
l4blitzer
Eh, good for the kid
vballretired
You can’t be mad at this
Joe Critz
will mcdonald!!!
Kenneth L.
I love this jets make a wish kid
l4blitzer
ESPN with the camera fake out…Will McDonald IV (LB from Iowa State)
Kenneth L.
Wow that’s toooooo early
Joe Critz
dang hi will mcdonald
what are you doing after the draft….im asking for a friend….
vballretired
Good on that kid
l4blitzer
The Commanders are up…of course, all moves are secondary to gettin’ rid of the Dan Snyder, the most hated exec in DC, and THAT is saying something
vballretired
In the greater Virginia/Maryland area
l4blitzer
Yep…there was much rejoicing in the DMV upon the news of the sale.
Joe Critz
commanders make a good pick in the first round every year
[The Snyder-less Commanders go with Miss State CB Emmanuel Forbes]
Kenneth L.
he is certainly dynamic
vballretired
That’s where L.T. Went
Patrick
Why’d I think Tomlinson was a higher draft pick than that?
vballretired
He was. Top ten I think
Best football player I’ve ever seen live
vballretired
So far
l4blitzer
Ravens are up…since they don’t need a QB, should be interesting to see what they do here.
[3rd WR in a row. Zay Flowers to the ex-Cleveland team]
vballretired
Hmmm
l4blitzer
9 picks left in the 1st round
Patrick
THIS IS GOING TOO FAST!!! It’s like a really good sneeze.
vballretired
Or good trip to the bathroom. Sometimes you want to tip the toilet
l4blitzer
Wasn’t there talk of Minnesota making a move to get Levis…how funny if the Vikes did nothing, and still get their guy?
Patrick
How funny would it be for Will Levis to be their guy?
Or anybody’s guy.
vballretired
Mayo in Minnesota?
Patrick
Will Levis to the Cowturds, who’s with me?!
Joe Critz
i think this is it
will levis goes here
l4blitzer
Well, in Minnesota, perhaps it is Lutefisk in his coffee?
vballretired
Levi’s has to be a Titan
Where and when does Addison go?
l4blitzer
Perhaps it would be even funnier if Addison goes to Minnesota…keep the run on WRs going.
Patrick
According to Brooks Kubena, the Texans traded their own first next year so we hold Cleveland’s first round pick for next year.
vballretired
Interesting. Gambling on being better than Cleveland
l4blitzer
Well, if Anderson and Stroud show they are worth their draft positions, it won’t be a bad move…and the team still has a 1st.
vballretired
Supposedly DeMeco already told Anderson how he would use him in their meeting
Patrick
Yeah, it’s a calculated risk, I just think it’s interesting they think the Browns will be worse than the Texans.
Addison to Minnesota.
[4th WR in a row. Jordan Addison to the Vikings]
vballretired
[KITTEN]
Cousins is a happy camper
Joe Critz
dang the receiver run is happening
so much for levis
l4blitzer
Can the Jags make it 5 in a row?
Patrick
Depends on if the GIants go WR too.
vballretired
Tennessee WR?
l4blitzer
Ah yes, make that the New Jersey Giants…
vballretired
Son of a….
I’ll take a center and at least kick ass up front
l4blitzer
Well, Hyatt caught the eye of some of the scouts.
vballretired
Sure and the Giants could use a WR
[WR run is over. Maryland CB Deonte Banks to the New Jersey Giants of New York]
l4blitzer
Buffalo is up
Joe Critz
its time for the bills to take will levis….
l4blitzer
That has some humor value
vballretired
Supposedly Hopkins will be traded this weekend
l4blitzer
Think Arizona is thinking they can get Houston’s other #1 pick for 2024?
Ok, Hopkins would rather play for a contender, but it would be amusing if that happened.
Joe Critz
wow!!!
idk how you stop the bills
[Dalton Kincaid of Utah to the Bills…first TE taken]
Joe Critz
great pick
l4blitzer
Stop the Bills…just be the Bengals…especially after that playoff game.
vballretired
Wouldn’t it be hilarious if it was all about the mayo?
l4blitzer
Maybe eating the entire banana turned some scouts off…
vballretired
Supposedly Dalton went in the second round because he is a ginger
So anything is possible
Patrick
I was like 20% serious that I’d quit if we drafted Will Levis and that mayo in the coffee is kind of why.
vballretired
You are still with us
Patrick
Because I’m a deeply stupid and loyal man.
l4blitzer
ESPN talking Michael Mayer to the ‘Boys…
vballretired
Here’s the funny thing. Our two best drafts were arguably by GMs with one foot out the door. Wouldn’t it be hilarious if the Nick to NE rumors were true? (edited)
Patrick
He can be their problem, him and BOB both, and I’d be more than fine with it.
l4blitzer
A better send off gift by Caserio than Lovie…unless Caserio sells off more of the 2024 draft this weekend and then goes all King from Platoon…”Goodbye mother[KITTENS]”
vballretired
Legend
How about a Cartman-esque “screw you guys, I’m going home”
Patrick
How Jerrah hasn’t turned into a bag of dust yet is beyond me.
vballretired
Keith Richards like
l4blitzer
All the bioweapon, er, Botox injections…quite the preservative
vballretired
Better than heroin
Patrick
That he outlived Jerry Springer is a crime against nature.
C’mon Will Levis, no whammy no whammy nowhammynowhammynowhammynowhammy STOP!
vballretired
Womp womp
l4blitzer
The Bengals ought to do an honorary “Jerry, Jerry, Jerry” chant when they come up for their pick
[DT Mazi Smith to Dallas]
l4blitzer
Was kinda hoping that this guy would fall to Houston later in the draft.
vballretired
My name is who, my name is what
l4blitzer
Glitter Kitties up
vballretired
Let’s see….they need…Levis
The Titans are bringing up the rear in the division and I’m here for it
Patrick
Insha-[KITTEN]in’-llah.
[Glitter Kitties go with OT Anton Harrison]
l4blitzer
More protection for Trevor Lawrence and his flowing golden hair
vballretired
Smart considering they will be without Cam Robinson for awhile
They making all grown up decisions
Patrick
I think if Nola doesn’t take Will Levis he’s falling to the second round. Poor [kitten].
vballretired
Here’s drinking to you
l4blitzer
Part of me wants to say that the BE-SF and Glitter Kitties saw us get Anderson, and they felt that they needed extra OL protection knowing they would see him twice a year.
But that is major Texans bias here…like writing for the Texans official website bias
vballretired
Hey make them react to us
It’s a John Harris take
l4blitzer
But ESPN did point out about Robinson being out.
Joe Critz
finally myles murphy got taken!
[Bengals don’t add a backup QB, but decide to go with Clemson DE Myles Murphy]
vballretired
Although Harris is a nice guy so bagging on him feels wrong
l4blitzer
I have no beef with Harris. He can usually call it when the Texans are derping…
Patrick
And he’s less wrong than a lot of Texans talking heads.
vballretired
They still doing Transformers? Geez
Patrick
As long as they keep making money on those [KITTEN]ty movies, they’ll keep doing them.
l4blitzer
Hence MOAR Fast and Furious movies
Patrick
And those Transformers movies are TRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH
I thought this Fast X was supposed to be the last?
vballretired
Sadly true. I expect Fast and Furious 33 soon
Patrick
Or am I just being optimistic?
vballretired
Rocky 3000
Patrick
Because those movies are [KITTEN]ing stupid. And I say this as a stupid person.
l4blitzer
Depends on what the box office does. If it goes all John Wick 4, then there will be a Fast and Furious [Wherever the [KITTEN] they are in the series]
Patrick
Hang on. The John Wick movies are a delight.
l4blitzer
NOLA pick is in
True, but if I understand correctly, they were on the fence about another John Wick, but then 4 did great business, and now they are working on 5
Patrick
Well it looks like NOLA held serve there. Mrs. UT seems to think this is what Saints fans expected to end up with.
vballretired
If they are doing another Indiana Jones nothing is sacred. Has he discovered an artifact in the old age home?
[Another Clemson DL drafted, Bryan Bresee to NO]
Patrick
Although Phoebe Waller-Bridge is writing it so maybe it won’t be complete [KITTEN] like the last Indy movie was.
Or are all even numbered Indiana Jones movies fated to be [KITTEN]?
vballretired
Come on. Harrison Ford is what? 80?
Patrick
Hi, everyone, welcome to the late first round where the Texans won’t be picking.
l4blitzer
One can only hope. Unfortunately, Indiana Jones movies may be the inverse of the original Star Trek movies, as it was the odd numbered ones that sucked.
vballretired
Just watch, Nick is going deuces
Patrick
He is, but I think he can still sneer angrily with the best of them. If anything, being 80 might be a benefit in that regard.
vballretired
Oh the laughing Vulcan was a classic
l4blitzer
Does Levis return to the back room tomorrow, or does he just peace out to home, or wherever?
vballretired
That’s just depressing
Patrick
I’d hang out there. They probably have some pretty sweet snacks in the green room.
Also, you know he’s not getting out of the second round.
vballretired
Oh sure
I’ll bet the trail mix is stellar
l4blitzer
Will they have the same quality of snacks tomorrow, or will they just leave tonight’s snack out and not bother replacing them?
vballretired
Or just mayo and bananas because it’s only him
l4blitzer
Eh, you could leave out the mayo packets to cover your bases.
vballretired
Gotta have bananas
Patrick
I’m this close to making a rule that we don’t bring up either of those things because they’re [KITTEN]ing gross and I don’t need to be reminded of it. But I’m a better person than that.
Iggles picking now.
WHY COULDN’T Y’ALL HAVE WON THE SUPER BOWL AND MADE ALL THESE [KITTEN]-[KITTEN] CHIEFS FANS SAD?!
l4blitzer
Hey, after tomorrow night, we will likely have little reason to bring that subject up again, so we have to maximize it.
vballretired
Maybe say icksnay when he’s actually picked
Patrick
I suppose.
vballretired
Another swig
Patrick
OH BOY CONTENT CREATORS!!!
[KITTEN]ing kill me, please.
vballretired
Move on [KITTEN]
Did we really need this?
Patrick
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
l4blitzer
The NFL said yes, so you clearly needed it, like low-caliber Thursday night football games
Patrick
With the 30th pick, I choose to hang myself rather than listen to these F-list celebrities.
[DURGA][KITTEN]
vballretired
[KITTEN]ing Eagles are winning this round
l4blitzer
But are you using an NFL-approved hanging device?
Patrick
We got CJ Stroud and Will Anderson, what do you mean the Eagles are winning this round?
[Eagles continue to reload on defense with LB Nolan Smith]
Patrick
@l4blitzer No, I like to live life on the edge.
vballretired
This stupid [KITTEN] is brought to you by Lonestar Fertilizer. When you think [KITTEN]. Think Lonestar.
l4blitzer
How dare you use a non-NFL approved device? You follow the NFL, you only use NFL approved products. Hey…have we checked to see if Lonestar Fertilizer is approved by the NFL?
Patrick
Nobody gives a [KITTEN] about Kansas City, NFL. If they did, they’d have tourism or some [KITTEN].
vballretired
@Bartesian come on guys. Throw us a bone
l4blitzer
KC: You can’t actually draft a Lombardi trophy…no, not even two of them. And why are you short-changing the Super Bowl IV trophy? What, Len Dawson and Hank Stram not worthy like Mahomes and Reid?
vballretired
Stupid all the way around
Settling in here just as the night is ending
l4blitzer
Welp, while the commentators salivate over the Chiefs, I think it is safe to say that in the instant take department, Houston pretty much aced their biggest needs out of this draft already.
vballretired
Center and WR and they smoke it
l4blitzer
They should leave Saturday evening with those selected…in theory
vballretired
In theory
A second QB might actually be smart too if a talented one falls
[Kansas City went with the hometown product to close out the first round in DE Felix Anudike-Uzomah]
vballretired
Good night everyone
l4blitzer
Pull a 2012 Washington…could work.
vballretired
Especially if it’s an athletic guy
[…and with that, Round 1 complete. Day Two returns tomorrow, same Texans time, same Texans HOTD channel]
DAY 2
l4blitzer
Welcome to the morning after…when Texans fans are still…happy? thrilled?…emotions this fan base has not experienced since the pre-pandemic days.
[Meanwhile, this is your public service announcement to remember to hydrate and celebrate responsibly. That last part is likely an alien concept to our loyal BRB readers, so the TL:DR version of that concept is to drink not to dull any pain…caution is key]
Patrick
One word: Pedialyte. That [KITTEN] works wonders.
It felt nice to be able to happydrink about the Texans for a change.
vballretired
Gentlemen Jack for everyone
Remember folks. Enjoy @bartesian responsibly. It can makes those drinks faster than you can drink them. Mix in a water here and there
l4blitzer
Apparently the sporty-ball interwebs report that the Steelers are gettin’ a lot of offers for their 2nd rounder that leads off tonight’s draft. Think that Caserio is at it again to trade back up that high into the second?
Kenneth L.
Well if he wanted it he shouldn’t have traded that pick. We gave up one too many picks
vballretired
He’s definitely headed to Boston after this
He’s going “deuces you sons a bitches”
[Day 2, Round 2 of the Draft…FIGHT!!!!]
Patrick
Of course the Steelers took Joey Porter Jr.
Kenneth L.
I love Joey Porter JR.
that makes sooooo much sense
l4blitzer
Not bad for them, and the only way that pick could be more Pittsburgh, PA-ish is if Joey Porter, Jr. Is wearing a Steelers jersey, Penn State hat and drinking a can of Iron City Beer
Patrick
And holding a Primanti Brothers sandwich in the other hand.
l4blitzer
All while a Terrible Towel is displayed in the background
Patrick
Traitors trading up to 33.
Kenneth L.
[KITTEN] ohhh no
the AFC South just got wild
l4blitzer
Are mayo sales about to spike in Nash-Vegas?
Patrick
Please be Will Levis.
It’s gonna be Hendon Hooker, isn’t it?
l4blitzer
If it is…the 1st two picks of the night all play up the local kid flavor.
Patrick
THEY TOOK LEVIS! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
This is so much better than if the Cowboys took him!
Kenneth L.
hahah wow i will take it
l4blitzer
So apparently mayo-in-coffee and whole banana jokes are on the menu for the next few years…got it.
Kenneth L.
so we have three rookie QBs in the same division
l4blitzer
….and Trevor Lawrence is the dean of starting AFC South franchise QBs…now if you’ll excuse me, gotta tell those kids to get off my lawn again.
Kenneth L.
what did they give up??? ESPN still shows Tennessee Has their other pick.
l4blitzer
Draft speed is moving up tonight…this is good.
Kenneth L.
JEEZ there has to be something wrong with Michael Meyer for Sam freaking Laporta to go before him
wowza
Patrick
33rd and 81st picks in exchange for the 41st, 72nd pick and a third next year.
Kenneth L.
okay Detroit is flunking this draft LMAO
indianapolis is trading
l4blitzer
Is Arizona gonna trade with all of the AFC South teams this year? Would be quite the achievement.
l4blitzer
Not a terrible trade for the Ponies.
…and Mayer is off the board
Kenneth L.
Can I tell y’all who I hope falls and we trade for him or will that jinx it
Patrick
It’ll probably jinx it but jinxes aren’t real so you might as well.
l4blitzer
Go for it. Sometimes if you speak it, it can happen
Kenneth L.
hahahaha not a good pick by LAR
l4blitzer
We’ve already had the Fracking Bonkers scenario, so let’s add to it.
Kenneth L.
Hall to Seattle that makes a ton of sense for both. I really like Hall
okay colts move back AGAIN
Patrick
Falcons get the 38th for the 44th and 110th picks.
l4blitzer
Ex-Baltimore team just wants to own Day 3
Patrick
Okay Kenneth, you can’t keep us hanging, who do you want?
l4blitzer
Atlanta going to go Tennessee East???
Kenneth L.
I think we are going to trade up for John Michael Schmitz if he’s available in picks 50-55
if not him, then jalin hyatt. Something to support Stroud
l4blitzer
Either one of those would work
Kenneth L.
goood pick for saints that’s a quality fit
Kenneth L.
SHUT UP MEL KIPER
Patrick
Oh lord, what did helmet hair say now?
Kenneth L.
WOW THEY TOOK JOE TIPPMAN
idk why he is ahead of some of the other guys in the Big10
honestly thats [KITTEN]ing huge
however, it now shows you that we need to move up as the buffer at the position just went
l4blitzer
If they want Schmitz…yeah, they will need to move quickly. But will Caserio be willing give up one of the coveted 6th rounders?
Kenneth L.
can we get these colts fans off the screen please
i think it has to be a fourth or fifth
id do a fifth this year and a 6th next
l4blitzer
I don’t know if we have a 6th next year, but it will probably take a combo of a pick this year and next.
Patrick
Lions just traded up.
l4blitzer
Lions on the move…again
Kenneth L.
good pick
Patrick
This is going at breakneck speed now.
vballretired
Speed of litigation
l4blitzer
White just looks mad…but he now gets to go to New England, which for a defensive guy is hardly the worst thing in the world.
Patrick
Houston Sports Information Ministries (@HouSportsMinInf)
BRING. ME. THE. INFIDEL.
l4blitzer
Glad Cody Mauch could take a break from pillaging a Northern European village to be a part of the NFL draft.
Patrick
I so desperately want to make a Canute the Great joke but nobody would get it.
We don’t need a backup QB we already have American Hero Case Keenum.
vballretired
I’m missing something
Patrick
I’m joking.
vballretired
Why not kicker then
l4blitzer
Well, I was thinking more developmental, but we do have EJ Perry
7 more picks then we are back on the clock
Did the NJ Giants just steal the Smart/Tough/Dependable line?
Well, they stole Schmitz from us, so I guess they have as well.
Kenneth L.
now i am futurious
we easily could have moved up
Patrick
Oh no, Drew Pearson making the pick.
Ugh...
l4blitzer
Ok…call me when the monologue is over…
Patrick
The whole “five time super bowl champion” thing might be more impressive if there weren’t two other teams with more wins.
Losers.
l4blitzer
So, Georgia Tech is the feeder school for the Patriots, and the Michigan Fighting Khakis serves as the feeder school for the Cowboys…interesting.
How many championships could Cleveland claim if the Cowboys keep claiming the 5 Super Bowls, even though the last one was nearly 30 years ago? Or Washington for that matter?
Patrick
Or Houston, technically.
Kenneth L.
we are definitely getting close to our pick
Patrick
I would really appreciate if they could wind up day two in the next hour because I have hockey I need to watch.
Kenneth L.
im extremely surprised we did not trade up. Im honestly a bit upset. What are we going to do with all these day three picks???
Patrick
Draft players?
l4blitzer
Those 6th rounders are sacred to Caserio…gotta find the next Brady-type player.
Glitter Kitty pick is in
Patrick
TEXANS JUST TRADED UP!
Kenneth L.
[DURGA] [KITTEN] of course
vballretired
We still in the second?
Patrick
Technically yes.
vballretired
Like being sort of pregnant?
Kenneth L.
I have’t seen it yet
[Houston Traded up to the 62nd pick from Philadelphia]
Patrick
I just saw who the Texans took.
Does the name Juice Scruggs mean anything to y’all?
l4blitzer
NFL Network commentators really don’t have a good grasp of the trades going on here.
Patrick
Juice Scruggs, C - Penn State.
Joe Critz
OH MY GOODNESS!!!
Kenneth L.
who the [KITTENNNNNNN]
vballretired
My name is who? My name is what?
Kenneth L.
im furious
Joe Critz
He’s pretty good I promise! I got to watch him play a bit
vballretired
It’s slim shady
Patrick
They have to think Hyatt lasts into the third right?!
They have to, right?
Kenneth L.
[DURGA] brian cushing looks like a box of grease
l4blitzer
Well, it is a center, and the PSU run game did a lot better this year…ok, they had some much better RBs, but still, it does check a box for need.
Patrick
Hey, that’s JJ Watt’s BIL you’re talking about.
Kenneth L.
we gave up two picks for this guy???
Joe Critz
Hyatt or Tillman would’ve been better but Scruggs is pretty good
vballretired
I’m glad we got a center. It’d be better if I’d heard of him but can’t have everything
Patrick
Okay Joe, you’re our resident Penn State fan, what do you know about Scruggs?
[Moving to the 3rd Round]
Patrick
WHO THE [KITTEN] IS THIS SCHMUCK MAKING THE BEARS PICK AND WHY AM I SUPPOSED TO CARE?!
vballretired
Another swig?
Joe Critz
Ppl would scream JUIIICEEE at the games I went to and he was a very solid interior lineman for psu in 2021 and 2022
l4blitzer
Will Georgia continue to be the feeder school for the Eagles?
Joe Critz
I’m biased but if he stays healthy and continues upward trajectory can be a great backup or eventual starter
vballretired
Sounds promising
Joe Critz
Also doesn’t surprise me Ryans wants to get a bunch of linemen this year and dig into the run to help Stroud
But yknow…Tillman or Josh Downs would be cool
Kenneth L.
backup or eventual starter??? im not looking for that in a second rounder
vballretired
Nope
Patrick
He has to be better than Quessenberry, right?
l4blitzer
If they can bring the Shanahan running game system here, that might overcome a number of issues…
vballretired
I might be better than Quessenberry
Joe Critz
Hahaha
Kenneth L.
my [DURGA] if we can get Kelee Ringo in the third id freak out
l4blitzer
Well, we are 7 picks out
Joe Critz
Yeah that’d be a great pick
vballretired
WR
Joe Critz
Idk this draft and last year’s draft there’s been a lot of disparity between who analysts and the collective football audience thought would be drafted in the top 100 and who was actually drafted in the top 100
I don’t remember there being this many like exciting, highly rated players just still hanging around this deep into the draft
Patrick
I’m hoping we get something good with our next pick, assuming we don’t trade up again.
WE TRADED UP AGAIN!
WE GOT THE PICK AFTER THE LIONS!
[KITTEN], this is gonna be a real fast draft for the Texans AFTER ALL
Tonight? Probably not unless we trade up again.
vballretired
Any picks left after this?
Kenneth L.
DID WE JUST DO THIS AGAIN
Patrick
Sure as [KITTEN] we did.
TANK DELL!
WE GOT TANK [KITTEN]IN’ DELL GO COOGS!
vballretired
What position does he play?
Kenneth L.
we have the 69th pick lmaoooo
also fantastic pick for Detroit thats a great deal for them
Patrick
Wide receiver
Kenneth L.
we took tank???
l4blitzer
That would’ve never happened if Jack Easterby was still around
Patrick
WE GOT TANK!
vballretired
Awesome. Just BPA with Mr irrelevant
l4blitzer
After this, provided we don’t trade back into the 3rd, we have 2 x 4ths, 2 x 6ths, Mr. Irrelevant
vballretired
We’ve checked all the boxes of absolute needs
Kenneth L.
agree!
l4blitzer
Guess we look for LB/DL depth if viable, but BPA at this point wouldn’t be terrible
Kenneth L.
If we can move up and get trenton simpson I will freak out like no other
Patrick
I wanted Jalin Hyatt but what the [KITTEN] ever we got a COOG!!!
l4blitzer
Interesting stat: Tank is the 1st Houston Cougar drafted by the Texans…ever
Patrick
I’m so happy.
This is better than having American Hero Case Keenum on the team!
(which isn’t great but he’s a Coog so I’m fine, but still!)
Joe Critz
TANK DELL WOOOO
Tank dell is great!!!
Kenneth L.
gives me jerry jeudy vibes
they must know something we dont about Jalin Hyatt
Patrick
Yeah, did I miss something about him? Did he get caught [KITTEN]ing a goat that wasn’t his wife?
l4blitzer
Welp, that answers the question about Hyatt. Destined for New Jersey
Patrick
Jalin Hyatt to the Giants.
Kenneth L.
Dream remaining picks that are realistic: Darius Rush CB from South Carolina, DeMarvion Overshown, and Devon Achane
Patrick
Are those third day picks?
I’m relying on y’all, because I’m a moron after all.
Kenneth L.
yes and no most are day two picks that based on the current boards could easily fall
l4blitzer
Cleveland has entered the draft
Back-to-Back Vols WRs
Patrick
I want to call the dedicated detectives of the Law and Order Special Victims Unit on the Cleveland Browns. No reason why.
l4blitzer
You…you were just watching the latest Law and Order SVU marathon on cable…that’s the ticket, yeah…
A Bud Light ad just made an appearance on TV…couldn’t tell you why that might be a significant thing…
Patrick
Seeing a picture of Caserio looking smug as hell and I want to whup his ass. Even though he drafted a Coog and so far has had a pretty [KITTEN] good draft.
That’s a question: how are y’all feeling about the Texans draft so far?
Joe Critz
Nooo i love Josh downs!!! Why did the colts have to ruin it and take him
l4blitzer
Logical answer: talk to me in 2026. Hawt Taek answer: better than bad, it’s good. Resolved the biggest issues and if the 2 and 3 picks work out, we have the franchise cornerstones you need to actually win something in the league
Patrick
Who is this [KITTEN]er making the pick for Tennessee? I want his head on a pike.
Kenneth L.
good pick with spears
vballretired
Why do I give a [KITTEN] about some unknown safety and his karaoke go to song?
Kenneth L.
Ugh I wanted Devon Achane
l4blitzer
Honestly, a 3rd round NFL safety vs. the Republic of Korea president doing karaoke at an official White House dinner…yeah, Imma gonna go with the ROK president every day of the week and twice on days discussing nuclear deterrence.
vballretired
Imagine some GM “I had a fifth round grade on him but I heard him sing Piano Man and….”
l4blitzer
If he can read a mean Book of Matthew, Easterby would’ve drafted him post-haste
vballretired
Nah, he’s a Luke guy
l4blitzer
Eh, go with Mark and then see if they can manage that last chapter…the real test…
Patrick
I wanna see him read the apocryphal stuff.
Kenneth L.
id love if houston moved up and took ringo
wow great pick by the cowboys he will be a great alternative to Micah Parsons. Wish he was a Texan. They did select him a bit early
vballretired
Who is this [KITTEN] clown?
Patrick
A Canadian influencer saying KC has the best barbecue is almost too on the [DURGA][KITTEN] nose. KC barbecue barely qualifies as food, let alone barbecue. All that sauce making excuses for their bad food. For SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME.
vballretired
Canadian influencer? Is that an oxymoron?
Patrick
Sure feels like it.
vballretired
KC is so cute about their BBQ. Sounds like my wife’s cousin who said they like things big in Oklahoma.
Patrick
[DURGA][KITTEN] Goodell, speed this up, I got a hockey game to watch.
Also, dinner is ready and I could use a commercial.
Man, that’s timing!
vballretired
I love watching these rabid idiots. You could have their team draft Irv Cross and they’d hoot and holler
Joe Critz
darnell washington is gigantic
vballretired
Yeah. That would have been nice.
Patrick
WOIHGOSITN;LVHET;OEIVHE;WRIHRG!!! The Kraken scored!
And the Avs scored back. [KITTEN].
Joe Critz
A kicker!!! Jake moody
I wouldn’t mind the Texans taking a backup running back like Roschon Johnson from Texas or Israel Abanikanda from Pitt
vballretired
Zach Evans?
DAY 3
[NFL Draft Day 3; All the big shortfalls addressed (in theory). On to the bonus rounds]
Joe Critz
Here we goooo
What are even the Texans biggest needs at this point
Linebacker?
l4blitzer
I would say LB and CB, especially for depth
Joe Critz
Yeah I think you’re right
Kelee Ringo still hasn’t been taken!
Kenneth L.
Uhhhhggg did we trade away both picks???
l4blitzer
Looks like we’re trying to restock a little for ‘24 on this one
Patrick
Gotta replenish those sixth rounders for next year.
“We have KC barbecue masters” Such a thing does not exist.
l4blitzer
Well, for now it is a 3rd, but we can flip it for MOAR 6ths
Patrick
Texans trade: Texans get: 109 174 Raiders get: 104 203
l4blitzer
We can trash KC, but honestly, it looks a gorgeous day to be there for the draft
[Editor’s note: See Kansas City Chamber of Commerce, we can say something nice about your city…now about that endorsement money…]
Patrick
We could’ve had Kelee friggin’ Ringo, Nick.
l4blitzer
Georgia continuing to supply the Iggles with defenders
Joe Critz
Dylan Horton?
l4blitzer
If he plays like he did against Michigan, it might just work…
Would like to see the Texans leave today with another CB and LB, but at this point, I can stomach BPA
Patrick
Hey, at least we haven’t taken a kicker.
Stetson Bennett to the Rams.
Joe Critz
Stetson Bennett vs. Stafford 2023 camp highlights
Clayton tune vs. Kyler murray 2023
Honestly though I’m excited to see if tune becomes a good backup
Patrick
I hope so, more Coogs in the NFL is never a bad thing.
l4blitzer
Sean Clifford in the 5th? Seems high, but if Green Bay wants to do that, not going to say no…
Joe Critz
SEAN CLIFFORD LOL
wooooo!
As a psu fan I’m happy but I didn’t expect him to be drafted or end up in the 7th round
l4blitzer
I was seeing him as a camp guy, but he must have shown something during the workouts. When he was on, Clifford was one of the top QBs in the B10, but man could he be maddeningly inconsistent.
Joe Critz
Exactly
But sometimes he has a game (Michigan state 2019 or Maryland 2019) where, like Levis, you can see a compelling passer that can attack midfield and has enough awareness to keep some plays alive
But everyone has a game sometimes
Surprised rb chase brown hasn’t been taken yet
Patrick
Texans are 15 picks away from being on the clock and Dameon Pierce and Devin Singletary need a friend.
TEXANS TRADE UP!
Joe Critz
oh shoot!
l4blitzer
Who do we really, really want here?
Joe Critz
chase brown or to’oto’o
I THINK WE GOT TO’OTO’O
l4blitzer
Thought the Bengals got Brown…if To’oto’o, I’m good with that
Patrick
We did. Henry To’oTo’o, LB, Bama.
Philly might be becoming Georgia but the Texans are turning into Alabama.
Joe Critz
oh they did a couple picks ago you’re right, i missed it
wooo to’oTo’o is a good LB and i can’t believe he feel this far
l4blitzer
Needed LB depth. This works.
Just 2 6ths left. We sacrified Mr Irrelevant.
Patrick
DeMeco Ryans going to be on NFL Network soon.
l4blitzer
Beats out Ka’imi Fairbairn for most apostrophes on the team
Patrick
You haven’t seen Fairbairn’s full name have you?
John Christian Kaʻiminoeauloamekaʻikeokekumupaʻa “Kaʻimi” Fairbairn
l4blitzer
Ah yes, the long form. One can overlook that from time to time
Patrick
Texans traded their 191st to the Eagles for 230 and 248.
Texans pick coming up soon-ish. Any thoughts on who we want?
vballretired
RB
Joe Critz
rb or wr would be cool
Kenneth L.
I bet we take take Zach Evans here
He is from Houston. Went to north shore. Absolute baller
vballretired
Evans can be a steal
Still [KITTEN]ed he left TCU
Patrick
Well, we’re gonna find out in five picks.
Kenneth L.
The Saints took my guy AT Perry. Would have been a steal in the 6th
Joe Critz
Notre Dame OL Jarrett Patterson
Patrick
Jarrett Patterson, OL, Notre Dame is the pick.
Almost beat you to it.
Joe Critz
Haha you basically did cuz u had to type more
I don’t know anything about this guy
Wore a gold helmet
Patrick
He’s a center apparently and that’s all I know about him.
vballretired
Center competition this summer
Kenneth L.
WE DRAFTED ANOTHER CENTER??????
Hahahaah what are we doing
Patrick
Hedging against center inflation?
vballretired
Lance Z’s profile is meh on him. Projected as a backup or special teams guy
Joe Critz
This shouldn’t have been Jarrett Patterson OL from Notre Dame, this should’ve been Jaret Patterson RB from Buffalo!
vballretired
But with the Miami free agent that’s three non Quessenberry options at center
Kenneth L.
Tbh I like Patterson over Scruggs
vballretired
It’s competition. Let the best man win
We know Quessenberry sucks. You now have several decent interior lineman options.
Maybe Kenyon Green can be motivated with some competition
Patrick
Texans just traded up to 205.
vballretired
Come on Evans
Patrick
There are decades where nothing happens and there are days where decades happen. This draft is definitely the latter.
WR Xavier Hutchinson is the pick, out of Iowa State.
vballretired
Heavy production but a backup grade from Lance Z. Seems like a Nico Collins type with actual college production.
102 catches this past year
Patrick
Texans give up the 230th and a fourth rounder next year for Hutchinson.
vballretired
What do we have as far as picks next year?
Patrick
Not sure, I’m still looking.
vballretired
If we have seven or eight picks it’s all good
Patrick
The last I saw we had the standard number for next year but who knows how that’s changed now.
vballretired
Are we out of picks today?
Patrick
I think we’ve got one more.
A very late seventh rounder is all we’ve got left at the moment.
vballretired
Lots of RBs will be available as UDFA. I’ve never understood why Nick never signed two or three every year and just went with the best one over the expensive [KITTEN]ty veterans
l4blitzer
Caserio on the running backs: “something, something, experienced, something, something, Patriot style, something something…”
Reading up on the Cs, both could potentially play guard, but Patterson is more likely of the two to shift from center from what I gather on a quick read of scouting reports…
vballretired
Evans and Deuce off the board.
Did anyone pick Clayton Tune?
Patrick
Cardinals a few rounds ago.
vballretired
I think the Heisman runner up is still on the board
He could be a homeless man’s Taysom Hill
Come on Mad Max
vballretired
And we’ve reached the 1980s hair bands portion of the proceedings
Quiet Riot waiting backstage
None of the women dancers were born when these guys were last relevant
l4blitzer
Now that we’ve hit the 7th round, as a player, would you rather get drafted here or go the UDFA route? Yes, the draft offers a little more security, but you would have more freedom to go where you could. Not sure what I would think as a player, but that’s just me.
Patrick
Drafted. The contract is usually better than what a UDFA gets as a signing bonus.
vballretired
Depends on how confident you are. I’d probably take what little guarantees I could get
l4blitzer
Could see that. Probably if you get cut as a 7th rounder, you might have a better chance to land a roster vs. as a UDFA.
Patrick
Max Duggan to the Chargers.
vballretired
[KITTEN]
Patrick
9 picks until the Texans are up.
vballretired
25 Georgia players taken in the last two drafts
Patrick
Last pick for the Texans coming up.
Brandon Hill, S, Pitt is the pick.
vballretired
It’s been fun guys.
l4blitzer
Welp…the draft is done. Now, we wait for the preseason.
WRAP-UP: During the season, this section of the HOTD is reserved for game balls/game shames. However, since it is the draft, everyone is optimistic, so everyone give yourselves a game ball. Extra credit to Nick Caserio, who went wild to try to solve the roster holes, to DeMeco Ryans for working with Caserio, and to Cal McNair for getting the [KITTEN] out of the way and letting the football people do football things. Final grades for this draft will come due in 2026, but by then, we should be in a more optimistic place.
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