2023 Houston Texans Win Predictions (Done Badly)

The schedule is finally out so now we can go out and do things that matter, like gardening and ritual sacrifices. But now that we know who we’re playing and when, how do the Houston Texans fare against this slate knowing what we know now?

Hell if I know. I can only guess, personally. And guess I shall!

Because according to DraftKings, our Texans are slowly starting to climb in the stat that matters most right now: Win O/U Totals.

Last year the Texans weren’t expected to win more than four games and technically, I guess, they were right (still mad at you, Lovie).

But since the offseason, since hiring Cap’n Meco as head coach, since making a splash (well, splash-ette, anyway) in free agency and the roller coaster that was last month’s draft, the Texans have been slowly creeping up on their win O/U line. It started, I believe at 4.5 after the Super Bowl ended and now...well...

Get a load of that! The Texans over/under on wins at DraftKings Sportsbook is at a nice, perky 6.5. Still a losing record but not a “drink yourself to oblivion” level of suck.

Can the Texans hit the over as it is right now?

Let’s take a look, I will give a brief and poorly explained (if any) reason for why the Texans could win or lose this game.

Week 1: at Baltimore Ravens

The Texans are improved but the Ravens are still a threat in the AFC, especially now that Lamar Jackson has re-signed with them. Expected Result: Loss

Week 2: vs. Indianapolis Colts

Our first matchup with one of the young guns of the AFC South. But it’s a home game and the Colts still aren’t all that great. Expected Result: Win

Week 3: at Jacksonville Jaguars

They won the division last year but they’re still the Jags. Expected Result: Win

Week 4: vs. Pittsburgh Steelers

Is Kenny Pickett good? Is he going to take a step forward next year? The Texans’ fortunes with this game will depend a lot on that; that, and our newly revamped offensive line keeping TJ Watt far, far away from Stroud. Expected Result: Loss

Week 5: at Atlanta Falcons

The Falcons are still digging themselves out of the NFC South cellar but with Bijan Robinson running the ball, we’re going to have to hope our newly revamped defense can contain him. Expected Result: Win

Week 6: vs. New Orleans Saints

The Saints ain’t gonna be great this year, better but not great. This game should shape up to be a pretty even match but we should come out with the win. Expected Result: Win

Week 7: BYE WEEK

Well, it’s not a loss at least.

Week 8: at Carolina Panthers

By now, I’m hoping that CJ Stroud will be everything I thought Bryce Young would be and then some. If not, I’m going to spend the entirety of this game trying to hex Lovie Smith. He knows why. Expected Result: Win

Week 9: vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

No Brady, no chance. They had to blow up the team only a couple of years after winning the Super Bowl and they’re still rebuilding. Expected Result: Win

Week 10: at Cincinnati Bengals

I like Joe Burrow, but I’m going to haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate Joe Burrow during this game, I suspect. Expected Result: Loss

Week 11: vs. Arizona Cardinals

Every 2024 mock draft I’ve seen (dear Durga, why are there 2024 mock drafts already?) has the Cards as holding the first overall pick to give you an idea of how bad this team will likely be. Expected Result: Win

Week 12: vs. Jacksonville Jaguars

We got the first one and this Jags team isn’t like the doormat teams we’ve faced in the past. Series split coming. Expected Result: Loss

Week 13: vs. Denver Broncos

Sean Payton has taken over as head coach and now has the task of repairing Russell Wilson’s targeting and firing circuits. Ideally, he’d do some fine tuning on his personality, but we can’t have everything. Expected Result: Win

Week 14: at New York Jets

They were almost a playoff team last year after running out a team put together with Zach Wilson, bubble gum, and duct tape, no easy task. Now with Aaron Rodgers under center, they have to be better...right? Expected Result: Loss

Week 15: at Tennessee Titans

Expected Result: Loss

Week 16: vs. Cleveland Browns

I was always told that if I didn’t have something nice to say then I should say nothing. But with Deshaun Watson, I hope he [WE INTERRUPT THIS SCREED TO INFORM YOU THAT THE BROWNS ARE BAD AND SHOULD BE ASHAMED THAT THEY EMPLOY DESHAUN WATSON]. Expected Result: Win

Week 17: vs. Tennessee Titans

Expected Result: Win

Week 18: at Indianapolis Colts

The last game of the season against the baby horses will serve as a good litmus test, I think, for whatever progress the Texans have made over the season. I have a feeling that since they’ll be playing in Indy that we shouldn’t expect the Texans to sweep the series. Expected Result: Loss

So by my highly-educated estimation, the Texans should finish the 2023-24 season with a 10-7 record. Hmmmm...guess I’ve been drinking the battle red Kool-Aid after all.

How bullish are y’all feeling about the team this year?