TOTALLY NOT FAKE NEWS: The Aftermath of the Texans’ Draft and the Schedule Release

Houston - The key events of the off-season: free agency, The NFL Draft and the schedule release, have come and gone. From here, Houston can now begin the long, arduous process of looking back at everything that’s happened this offseason so far.

Some were not interested in looking back: “Look, we are moving forward. The last couple of seasons of apathy are done. OVER!!! We are looking to increase our fanbase engagement. With any luck, we can evolve from apathy to passionate anger and disappointment.”

When asked why the staffer would want to move up from that, he just shrugged “Progress?”

Yet, as the Houston Texans look to move the franchise and its fanbase up from the basement of apathy to the mud-room of mild hope followed by soul-crushing disappointment and anger. All of this while looking to move past the mediocrity of the kids’ playroom and family TV room, skipping past the struggle of the kitchen of hanging around .500, with the end goals of joining teams that make it to the master upstairs bedroom of playoff success, followed by the penthouse of eventual Super Bowl success. Someday, the Texans will climb the carpeted stairs and maybe, just maybe, get to the top...maybe...someday. To start that climb, the Texans took their big steps a couple of weeks back during the NFL Draft.

When the Texans pulled off the gambit of picking CJ Stroud with the #2 pick, ending a rather long and stressful game of guessing just what Caserio would do. Would they go Anderson or Stroud...or Levis...or trade that pick...or...well, no one was really quite sure what was going on. “Gotta build up the suspense. Helps with the drama...and the social media hits” team CEO Cal McNair is alleged to have responded at one point during the night.

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Then the team upended everyone’s expectations...well, except for some prescient news source punditry, and made a move back into the #3 pick to get Will Anderson, Jr, the pass rushing sensation from the football factory that is Nick Saban University The University of Alabama. With that move, the Texans apparently solved their two biggest shortfalls, quarterback and pass rusher.

“Hey, wait a minute, the team has a quarterback. I am a quarterback. I started most of the games the last two seasons. What do you mean, ‘the team needs a quarterback?’ What is...” noted an individual that looked like someone once known as Davis Mills...at least until a mysterious, but well-timed, taser shots silenced the background noise.

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Anyway, the team fulfilled its two biggest roster deficiencies. Yet, the controversy about those moves will not die down. So many of the “elitist” “main-stream” “sporty-ball” press-types feel that the Texans may have given up too much for the pick. Honestly, a team that gives up a 2023 first, 2023 second, 2024 first, 2024 third, the eternal souls of Caserio’s and Cal McNair’s first-born children, the city of Pearland and a lifetime supply of Bill Miller’s BBQ to obtain a mere Nick Saban Alabama pass-rusher is probably making a good deal.

Yet, who really made the call? Yahoo Sports reported earlier this week that the McNairs did not actually demand that the team pick CJ Stroud with the second round pick. “Nope, we let the football people do what they were supposed to do.” Cal said. However, subsequent follow-up indicated that Hannah McNair, Cal’s spouse, did not NOT say to draft a quarterback.

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Cal immediately backed up his wife, noting “That’s right dear. We definitely did not NOT say to our draft room that we were not NOT demanding that they were not NOT to draft a quarterback.”

Apparently, confidential sources indicated that the draft room was beside themselves trying to figure out if the McNairs did not NOT demand that they did not NOT have to draft a quarterback. The pros and cons of the players involved were debated again, ad nauseum, with people saying that it was ok to draft Anderson at two, as the McNair did not specifically demand that they had to draft a quarterback. Yet, others countered, saying that the team could not defy the dictum of the McNairs, who said not to Not draft a quarterback, thus indicated that they had to draft a QB at two. Others pointed out that they (the McNairs) did not NOT say that the team did not NOT have to draft a quarterback, thus leaving it up to the staff to not draft a QB...or not.

Photo by Todd Rosenberg/Getty Images

The arguments went back and forth, with Nick Caserio developing a noticeable nervous tick of throwing another one of his cellphones at the head of an unsuspecting staffer, which usually resulted in bruising and some splattering of blood. Finally, as the Texans finally went on the official clock, and everyone in the room was going crazy about whether to not NOT draft a quarterback even if the McNair did not NOT say to not NOT draft one, Caserio and Ryans turned to the only one who could solve the impasse...

Defensive coordinator Ryan Burke, who was busy trying to tell the State Department that no, he could not fly to Khartoum to resolve the civil dispute, even as both of the leading generals specially requested him by name, as he had far more important matters to resolve. That issue: helping the Texans determine whom to draft...or not draft...or not NOT draft, even as the owners did not NOT tell the staff who or what position to not NOT draft in the...well, anyway, Caserio and Ryans desperately pleaded with Burke “Who should we draft? Stroud or Anderson?” Burke looked for a second, took a deep breath, and exhaled...”Yes.” and immediately went back to his phone call with Foggy Bottom. Caserio and Ryans had their answer, and the team had their new franchise cornerstones.

Certainly the excitement level with the team went way up with the draft night moves, as previous TNFN reporting noted an uptick in the sentiment of the team’s fanbase with a lot of positive terms. Some thought there might be even a chance for a primetime game or something, with the young talent on the Texans. Yet, when the schedule came out, the Texans found themselves for the 1st time in franchise history without a primetime date.

“Look, I know that some might get upset, and deep down, I don’t care” noted NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. “However, since I might hear from those couple or so of Texans’ fans, I think the schedule, which is primarily noon time kickoffs for the Texans (Central Time), will be good for the kids on that team. Young children need routines to help grow and develop. Besides, with the early starts, that will mean they can get to bed at a decent hour. Sleep is important for the development of young minds.”

Clearly, Commissioner Goodell is looking out for the relatively young Texans players, and not responding to increased pressure from a certain billionaire whose main contribution to the corporate world expressed extreme displeasure at the quality of games broadcast on that medium. Rumors about NFL representatives suffering unfortunate chair “accidents” or falling into a decorative pool of man-eating piranhas for failure...probably just rumors...probably.

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Thus, the Texans, along with the rest of the NFL, enter into the “dead zone” of the NFL calendar. Yeah, there’s rookie camp, and the mini-camps in June, but for the real excitement, tune in to August. Then starts pre-season, which can be best watched on Amazon Prime, your source for the #1 NFL streaming option available. [See, we can plug a streaming service. Now, about that endorsement money...].