Hair of the dog: Houston Texans @ New England Patriots ... or Bill O’Brien’s revenge

Ah yes, with August comes the dog days of summer. The excessive heat and the general sense that it is just too [KITTEN] hot to do anything. Yet, within that heat, it is a time of starts and renewal. School is starting for many, or about to, and for the NFL, the preseason gets underway. While few love the preseason for the sake of preseason, it is the promise that after some games that offer you a chance to feast on some NFL football after a 6 month drought, and figure out who will fill out the 2nd/3rd string on the team, the real stuff is on its way.

For Houston, it is time for yet another chance to reboot and hopefully get back on the path to eventual Super Bowl glory. This was the Houston Texans debut for quarterback C.J. Stroud and Will Anderson, Jr. the shiny new toys for the franchise. Well, at least they played. For Stroud, it was perhaps the worst he played since that Northwestern game while at Ohio State. Still, it was only two possessions, and if nothing else, plenty of learning opportunities. For Anderson, he was OK, but as part of a defensive collective, it was encouraging to see that maybe the D might not be the weakness it was last season. Ok, it was against a New England team that is expected to be a nightmare on defense and looking to Bill O’Brien (yes, THAT Bill O’Brien) to improve a really-not-good offense.

Well, as much as it is the start of ramping up for the players, it is also the ramping up for your Battle Red Masthead for the season. Thus, our opening preseason Hair of the Dog. Clearly, we are trying to get back into game (commenting) shape. Our insight/cynicism should hopefully be ready to go for the regular season in a few weeks’ time. As always, any questionable words will be replaced by [KITTEN] so you can read this at the office. Thus, for the first time in the 2023-2024 (Pre) Season, we commence with the ‘DOG:

FIRST QUARTER

Patrick.H

Dress rehearsal for [KITTEN], boys.

l4blitzer

Easterby’s gone, so we are really more at the entrance of Purgatory

Patrick.H

Texans on offense first.

l4blitzer

A 4-2-5 for NE? Ok…

Stroud with his 1st completion…preseason, but we’ll take it

Nice jump cut by Singletary

Patrick.H

Oooooh, Singletary looking nice there.

Welp.

l4blitzer

That sack…er, that wasn’t so cool

Joe Crtiz

The Texans are back!!!

Patrick.H

Cancel the season.

NE WITH THE INT, FIGHTIN’ BO’Bs POSSESSION

Joe Critz

Well

Lmao

That’s okay! Hahaha

Get the pick out of the way early

Patrick.H

Now we’re talking.

l4blitzer

WOW…which Texan didn’t hit the QB on that blitz?

Joe Critz

Defense looks spicyyyy

BO’B OFFENSE WITH THE NE VERSION OF THE ALL FG OFFENSE (44 yds): NE 3 - HOU 0

vballretired

I like the swarm aspect of the defense. Zero yards after contact. Tackling is a lot more crisp. I’ll ignore the INT.

l4blitzer

HOU POSSESSION

Patrick.H

Okay, shake it off, let’s try that again without the interception nonsense.

vballretired

Nice running play

l4blitzer

Time for the Shanahan running game to return

vballretired

They are missing Tytus

Oh, the all penalty offense is back

Patrick.H

The Pats broadcast has called one of their players the green goblin three times in six minutes and I’m ready to kill him.

Still better than Spencer Tillman.

l4blitzer

Ok, which NE front 7…oh…too aggressive…disregard

vballretired

It’s a top four front seven in the AFC East

Patrick.H

LOL

Joe Critz

Pass protection is not so hot to start

l4blitzer

A Kubiackian bootleg…what’s old is new again

vballretired

I’m having David Carr flashbacks. I must of taken some bad [KITTEN] back in 2002

Joe Crtiz

Okay that was a good recovery

l4blitzer

No, you’re sober (for this forum). The NE defense is whooping our Oline

Joe Crtiz

I thought he was gonna get that first down for a sec

NE POSSESSION

vballretired

After an off-season of talking up the OL. Geez…

Patrick.H

I know we’re missing Tytus and all but this is all [KITTEN].

vballretired

My wife is napping so I’m going no sound so I have nothing on the Tillman front

Joe Critz

Maybe dare ogunbawale up the middle will save us

vballretired

Defense looks much better though

Joe Critz

They do! One side definitely looks good to start

But NE is having their own problems with the oline so idk how good they are to start either

vballretired

Oh they blew that [KITTEN] up

l4blitzer

BO’B sighting : 1

Joe Critz

They’re looking good!

here come tyquan Thornton

vballretired

That’s a nice catch

Patrick.H

This explains a lot.

l4blitzer

BO’B sightings: 2

Joe Critz

Hahaha

vballretired

You mean Fant isn’t as good as Tunsil?

Patrick.H

They need a content warning before they show buttchin.

Joe Critz

Dang I missed those BO’B lips

l4blitzer

For NE, they are just happy it ain’t Patricia/Judge

vballretired

Deiter and Deculus are going to get someone killed

Patrick.H

[DURGA] I worry about you sometimes Joe.

l4blitzer

Joe, remember, this is not Penn State BO’B, this is Texans BO’B

vballretired

Traveling?

Love the pursuit

l4blitzer

Our D does close quickly here

vballretired

Is Christian Kirksey still alive?

HOU POSSESSION

Joe Critz

I just missed the eyes over his glasses, pursed lip BO’B stare that signaled football season

l4blitzer

Ok

vballretired

No more Stroud

l4blitzer

The giraffe is in…repeat, the giraffe is in

vballretired

Oh that Millsean accuracy

Joe Critz

WOOO

mills szn

l4blitzer

Well, a mobile giraffe can make a play. Nice 3rd down conversion

vballretired

Yeah, you want snaps for Stroud but not like this

END OF 1st: NE 3 - HOU 0…DIET FOOTBALL AT ITS FINEST…

Joe Critz

I don’t like mills at all and I never want to see him starting but I’d be happy if he became our Brock purdy

Patrick.H

He’s had two years to be our Brock Purdy.

Joe Critz

Yea :(

l4blitzer

It will be a minor miracle if he beats out Keenum for backup

Joe Critz

Let a long necked guy live!

SECOND QUARTER

vballretired

It’s preseason for the zebras too

Patrick.H

SHOW THE [KITTEN] GAME ALREADY!

vballretired

You’re not missing much

Patrick.H

I cannot give a [KITTEN] about the McCourty twins, and I don’t care if this is the Patriots feed.

l4blitzer

There was a hold and a textbook Mills incompletion on a deep ball.

Joe Critz

Almost a dime

NE POSSESSION

vballretired

Maybe it will satisfy the “if you gave Mills an OC…” crowd

l4blitzer

I didn’t care for the McCourtys when they played…really don’t care now

Patrick.H

“Bob’s Discount Furniture Studio” LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

l4blitzer

I’ll consider the defense improved if we can not give up the usual 150 yards rushing a game

vballretired

So far so good

l4blitzer

The shock wave from the defender took the Pats player down

Joe Critz

Woo!

HOU POSSESSION

Joe Critz

Yeah what is going on here

vballretired

He’s got the moves like Burkhead got the moves like Burkhead got the moves like Burkhead.

Patrick.H

Now I’m just picturing Rex Burkhead dancing like Mick Jagger and it’s just as horrifying as you think it might be.

vballretired

I’m glad I can play my part

l4blitzer

Burkhead with the Jagger lips…[KITTEN] you Patrick…

Patrick.H

HEY, I DID NOT COME UP WITH THAT IMAGE WILLINGLY!

l4blitzer

My advice to you is to start drinking heavily

vballretired

When the song comes on I say “I have to lose my jacket” because it pisses my daughter off

l4blitzer

Parents embarrassing kids…that is the natural order of things

vballretired

It is

Joe Critz

Mike Boone!

Patrick

Lowering the Boone.

Joe Critz

Hey if they can run block okay we’re halfway there

Almost halfway

l4blitzer

Lucky on that forced fumble

vballretired

I’ll do my usual in’s and outs tomorrow just to get in the habit of things

Joe Critz

Steven sims with a few plays already

HOU FUMBLE, NE POSSESSION

Joe Critz

Oh no!

Patrick.H

Dare Ogbunawale, ladies and gentlemen.

vballretired

I’ve decided that we each suck equally

Patrick.H

It’s just the preseason it’s just the preseason it’s just the preseason it’s just the preseason.

vballretired

Some of us are just paid more to suck

Joe Critz

Come onnnn

Joe Critz

It’s been so long since football that this still hurts

vballretired

Embrace the suck

l4blitzer

Well, if Ryans was worried that he wouldn’t have plenty of things to work from based on the game film…problem solved

vballretired

We’ve seen some good things on defense. Let’s build on that.

Patrick.H

Is Xazavian Valladay behind Ogbunawale? Because yikes

We have that. They really have been swarming the ball something fierce.

vballretired

Holy [KITTEN] that was awesome

l4blitzer

By the way, you just scored 500 in Scrabble based on the running back names there

vballretired

Triple word score

HOU POSSESSION

vballretired

Unfortunately we are probably just witnessing Billy Os complete inability to develop a running game.

Patrick.H

I didn’t see that right, correctly? Our returner didn’t just try to catch the ball despite being at least five yards away from where the ball actually landed?

I didn’t see that, right?

Joe Critz

I saw that too

Was that supposed to like trick the patriots players

vballretired

A “fake”

Patrick.H

I sure hope so.

l4blitzer

Thought he was trying to fool the Pats…Ross would be good enough to teach that

Joe Critz

It was spicy I gotta admit

It fooled me

Patrick.H

Looked like it fooled a few of them too, but that deep, it just looked odd.

Taaaaaaaaaaank

Joe Critz

It’s Davis comeback szn!

vballretired

Mills still as inaccurate as ever though

Joe Critz

Yea ur right

Patrick.H

Looks like it’s about to start raining at Foxboro

vballretired

Yippee

Joe Critz

It’s running time!! Get valladay out there!

l4blitzer

Ah yes, the annoying boat whistle thing they do in NE…how I have NOT missed that.

vballretired

When they finally have their starting line I can see this offense working.

Patrick.H

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh...

l4blitzer

That would account for the Texans actually holding on to a simple catch

vballretired

Beck might be on with us by September

NE POSSESSION

Joe Critz

UGH

Patrick.H

I ain’t hiring him.

Joe Critz

I cant do another season of this

This has to end at some point this year please

vballretired

He’ll try really hard

l4blitzer

Welcome to the Hotel Texans…where you can check out, but you can never leave.

Joe

Hahahaha

vballretired

Who is the beast in that analogy?

Patrick.H

Too appropriate since that song’s about a mental institution.

l4blitzer

Well, it might be that NE’s offense is that bad, but our D seems way ahead of our O

vballretired

I thought it was [KITTEN]

Joe Critz

I like the Sow Russey Andrews lineup going on here

Patrick.H

It could be, I honestly don’t know. I just heard it was about an insane asylum.

HOU POSSESSION

Joe Critz

SACKED

WOOOO

vballretired

Interesting. From whom?

Patrick.H

Some guy I worked with a long while ago.

vballretired

I love me some Tank Dell

Patrick.H

That was sexy, Tank.

Joe Critz

WOOOO

vballretired

A two minute offense so efficient Johnny Unitas would blush

Patrick.H

Wow, this game’s screaming past.

l4blitzer

As fast as the Astros-O’s game…but not as entertaining…(sob)

Joe Critz

Maybe if they don’t fumble we’ll get some point at the end of this drive

TWO MINUTE WARNING

Patrick.H

Boy am I glad I missed that game.

vballretired

I’ll take two of three every time

l4blitzer

It was actually pretty good…just that the Os were playing incredible Defense and Houston just couldn’t get the runners home.

vballretired

John Metchie sighting!

Patrick.H

Nice footwork by Metchie there.

l4blitzer

We’re talking about Mayo wearing rejected combat boots…peak pre-season football here.

Patrick.H

Still better than Spencer Tillman.

l4blitzer

No argument here.

vballretired

No Tillman on the play by play

Patrick.H

The cameraman has a foot fetish, I see.

Joe Critz

Hahahaha

vballretired

Maybe he’s an “analyst”

Joe Critz

Nothing screams football like shoes……

Dell is looking good!!!

l4blitzer

Awww…the Belichick Jr. mullet is now just a boring mane of long hair

Patrick.H

Steve “Ape Drape” Belichick. [DURGA] I love nepotism

vballretired

Dell is the Sclitz Light Player of the Game

l4blitzer

This Tank Dell kid…making a few plays. Might be worth watching.

vballretired

Oh my [DURGA]!

Joe Critz

He’s got that tank in him!

Patrick.H

HOLY [KITTEN]

Joe Critz

OH MY [DURGA]

WOOOOOO

Patrick.H

If that doesn’t count I’m gonna be furious.

Joe Critz

Jesus what a wild catch hahaha

l4blitzer

WOW…If it stands…that is a KITTEN awesome catch.

Is the defender’s arm keeping Tank’s feet in

vballretired

Alright he’s been upgraded to the Keystone Light player of the game

TANK DELL WITH THE CATCH OF THE YEAR WITH THE 6-YARD TD: HOU 7 - NE 3; 0:12 SECOND QUARTER

Joe Critz

Woooo! The tank dell drive!!!

What a drive!

HALFTIME

l4blitzer

Ok Folks, What say you about this 1st half?

Patrick.H

I know this isn’t our starting offensive line, but [KITTEN] if anything happens to them, we’re in trouble.

vballretired

If Dell does anything else he will be the St. Arnold’s player of the game

l4blitzer

Welp…1st game of the pre-season, so a lot of rust and some not quality play to be expected. Stroud’s performance hard to figure, especially given the OL issues and the NE defense. Tank Dell with a nice connection with Mills. If he can get that with Stroud…should be fun to watch (which are words that few have said about most of the Texans this decade).

vballretired

Ok, general thoughts. I’m loving the defensive intensity and depth on defense. I feel like if a guy or two goes down we will be okay. I think the margin on offense is razor thin. I feel like the scheme will get guys open if the line gives Stroud time to throw. Ogunbowale ain’t it as the third running back. Maybe Boone. Maybe Valladay. Let’s see him in the second half.

Joe Critz

My thoughts abt the first half are the defense looked really good and I’m excited by how fast the defensive line looks. Offensive line doesn’t look great and neither did stroud but that’s okay for the first preseason game. Mills looks like the preseason darling again and tank dell/Mike Boone are making me believe this can work

I’m just happy we finally get to see this new hotness Texans team

vballretired

ND Kalu on the tv call

Six yards rushing for NE. Damn.

Beck injured. That much closer to HOTD

THIRD QUARTER

NE POSSESION

Joe Critz

Good tackle!

Wallow i think?

vballretired

They just said no cuts required until after the last preseason game.

Kenneth L.

Kurt Hinish getting pushed off the yard

l4blitzer

All those ineffective screens…there’s something familiar here…

Patrick.H

Can’t imagine why.

TOD

HOU WITH A NICE 4th DOWN RUN STOP. HOU POSSESSION

Joe Critz

WOOOOO

LETS GOOO

l4blitzer

Keenum Time!!!!

Patrick.H

4th and 1 and BOB calls Carlos Hyde Up the Middle. Never change buttchin.

American Hero Case Keenum!

l4blitzer

Da CHUM lives forever!!!!

Joe Critz

Hahaha

This defenses is great!

l4blitzer

And on cue…Houston runs the new but still the same CHUM

Keenum showing why he’s been in the league almost as long as Jon Weeks

Patrick.H

Durga bless him.

l4blitzer

Are Officials now decided by the size of their biceps these days?

Patrick.H

I’m just glad they weren’t showing his feet.

l4blitzer

ANOTHER KUBIAK BOOTLEG!!!!

Patrick.H

Hutchinson!

l4blitzer

Hutchinson with a poor man’s (but more effective) Rosencopter

Fullback Dive! Fullback Dive!

Patrick.H

A key part of the Ryans/Kubiak Restoration: the fullback dive.

Joe Critz

Alright and a Hutchinson play! Now we just need a play from valladay and I’m ecstatic

Touchdown!

Patrick.H

Woof.

[KITTEN] Bates, Fairbairn could’ve done that.

KEENE WITH THE CLASSIC FULLBACK DIVE FOR THE 1 YARD TD: HOU MISSES THE EXTRA POINT, BUT LED 13-3; 7:20, Third Quarter

Joe Critz

Sometimes it’s just one of those days

Patrick.H

[KITTEN] offfffffffffff with the McCourty twins already.

NE POSSESSION

Houston’s defense picking up where they left off in the 1st half. Even at the expense of Trace McSorley

Patrick.H

This defense looks like it could be bitey. Even the backups look nice.

Joe, you gonna be okay with the abuse of Trace McSorley?

l4blitzer

Well, NE drew an illegal hands to the face, so the Texans’ D will continue to get chances to excel

Meanwhile, the McCourty Twins continue the inane babble

Joe Critz

NO

leave him alone!

No look there he got a pass in

Okay they can hit him again

HOU POSSESSION

l4blitzer

…and now we go to the “Bob’s Discount Furniture Studio Analytic Portion” of the broadcast

Joe Critz

I wanna know who’s the Bob’s Furniture MVP is at the end of the game

Maybe it’ll be tank dell

Patrick.H

I wouldn’t bet money on it though.

We’re getting the ball back.

Joe Critz

One can dream!

l4blitzer

Frank Ross > Belichick

…at least on that play

Patrick.H

Valladay finally getting some time.

l4blitzer

Well Joe…you may hit your Texans’ preseason bingo card

Joe Critz

I think I did!

Valladay has gotten multiple carries now

NE POSSESSION

Joe Critz

Didn’t add up to a great possession though

Patrick.H

I did not need to relive that in German.

Joe Critz

HAHAHA

That got me patrick

l4blitzer

So Stroud’s INT got the international treatment…not as cool as the Belgians going nuts during one Super Bowl “Catastrophe pour Manning! Catastrophe pour Manning!”

Patrick.H

Wait, when was this?

Was that SB XLVIII?

l4blitzer

Back when Seattle crushed Denver in the Super Bowl in New Jersey

Patrick.H

That’s the one.

I totally missed that.

l4blitzer

Was in Belgium at the time, so saw the Belgian broadcast. Probably the only real fun part of that game, since it was a “classic” 43-8 beat down for the Sea Chickens.

Patrick.H

Speak for yourself. That game was a delight from start to finish.

l4blitzer

Ah, I get it from your perspective. I managed to wake up [KITTEN] early in the morning to see a game that was really…not all that competitive.

Patrick.H

In fact, I think I even know the play they’re referring to without seeing it. The bad snap that led to a safety to start things off, right?

l4blitzer

Actually, it was a Manning INT.

Patrick.H

Ah, well. Nevertheless.

HOU POSSESSION

l4blitzer

C’est la Belgiuque

FOURTH QUARTER

Patrick.H

Ah, the professionalism of local broadcast whoosafudges pretending to be a real broadcast of a real football game.

A tradition unlike any other.

l4blitzer

Part of me wants to see this game move quickly and go to a running clock. Yet, this is the 4th quarter, and for many of the players here, this may be their only time to live out their dreams. So for them, it would be nice to see them prove themselves. Welcome to the dilemma of preseason 4th quarters

Joe Critz

Run blocking is still looking good

l4blitzer

A Bledsoe on the field for NE. Clearly a unique name for the Patriots franchise.

Joe Critz

Haha

Doaks for the first down!

Hey maybe we can just run all the time

2022 New York giants anyone

l4blitzer

Give me a backfield of Pierce and Barkley, and I’ll gladly run the wishbone all day.

Patrick.H

Nice.

Joe Critz

Dang

WOOOO

wow! Wasn’t ready for that

KEENUM WITH THE 5 YARD TD PASS TO BACHMAN. EXTRA POINT IS ACTUALLY GOOD. HOU 20- NE 3; 9:52, FOURTH QUARTER

Joe Critz

What was that!!!

NE POSSESSION

vballretired

I think Keenum is your backup

Well, preseason TDs are like the points from Whose Line Is It Anyway? They don’t matter

Joe Critz

Keenum looks fine but I still like Davis Mills more

vballretired

That was a 37.5 point answer

l4blitzer

….and now…HOEDOWN

Joe Critz

Well goodbye to McSorley

l4blitzer

Another BO’B sighting….sorry Patrick

Joe Critz

That was quick

Patrick.H

It’s fine, I was out getting the mail so I missed it.

vballretired

Either the Pats are really bad or this defense is a top ten defense

l4blitzer

Another BO’B sighting…

Patrick.H

Boooooooooooooooooo

l4blitzer

That could give us all PTSD

Joe Critz

Boooooooooo’b

Patrick.H

Lulz

l4blitzer

Correct use of the apostrophe, so credit to you Joe

vballretired

It’s preseason for us too

Patrick.H

That was real dumb.

l4blitzer

Uh…yeah…that was kind of an obvious face mask there…especially the whole “ripping the whole [KITTEN] helmet off”

vballretired

That ticky tack face mask penalty

l4blitzer

Unless the official was Angel Hernandez…then, it might not quite be a face mask….but maybe a strike

Patrick.H

Nah, that’d be a walk.

vballretired

Passed ball

Who is this Cunningham kid?

Patrick.H

Or he’d get REALLY wild and call it a technical foul.

l4blitzer

May all of us find an employer that allows us to do our jobs as badly as Angel Hernandez and still maintain employment

vballretired

Amen

Joe Critz

Dual threat qb from Louisville that had some good seasons

Was a successor to Lamar Jackson

vballretired

He looks like an interesting prospect

l4blitzer

Belichick be all “Ok, no force lightening to kill that kid this week”

Joe Critz

Apparently got a franchise record amount of guaranteed money from Patriots for an undrafted free agent

vballretired

No Mac Jones tonight

Joe Critz

vballretired

Meaningless touchdown or settle for three?

Patrick.H

Who’s hurt?

l4blitzer

Normal people: Go for the TD. BO’B: Glory to All FG Offense

vballretired

Davis

Joe Critz

Dang Bob got a lot of facetime for the game

l4blitzer

All too much for us who lived through his GM reign of error

Patrick.H

Patriots broadcast, also, it’s as much of a storyline as a preseason game can hope to have.

vballretired

The heir apparent to someone in the 4-PAC conference

Joe Critz

Hahaha

Patrick.H

[DURGA], I wanna see him coach Stanford.

That’d be hilarious.

vballretired

Maybe even the conference commissioner

l4blitzer

Who knew that Utah won the last “real” PAC-12/10/7/4/2.3 Conference Title?

Patrick.H

::raises hand::

vballretired

Except for this year

Patrick.H

Over...don’t look Joe...Penn State.

l4blitzer

I stand corrected on the PAC-12 for 2023-4. But PSU did take care of Utah in the Rose Bowl this past season

Patrick.H

I thought Utah won.

Joe Critz

Ya I’m fine with them winning the pac 12 cuz psu whooped them in the rose bowl

But Penn state has a history of losing the rose bowl, particularly to usc, so it is strange having them be the victors this year

Patrick.H

Especially since the Rose Bowl is going bye-bye. Or at least the traditional Rose Bowl is.

Joe Critz

I’ll miss old school rose bowl

vballretired

I didn’t even think about the Rose Bowl. Maybe the Big 12(16) takes on the Big 10(18)

CUNNINGHAM FOR NE WITH THE NICE 9 YARD TD SCRAMBLE. 2PT CONVERSION NO GOOD. HOU 20 - NE 9; 1:54, 4TH

Joe Critz

Wow!

vballretired

It would have been cool to have a developmental QB like Cunningham. I realize it’s a luxury but still…

Patrick.H

We don’t need a developmental QB, we already have Davis Mills waiting for us at home.

vballretired

Ugggg

HOU POSSESSION (AS NE COULD’T BE BOTHERED TO TRY AN ONSIDE KICK)

Patrick.H

Houston’s gonna win the (fake) football game! Houston’s gonna win the (fake) football game!

…AS BOTH TEAMS JUST WANT TO GET THE KITTEN OUT OF HERE

FINAL: HOU 20 - NE 9. HOU ON A FOUR GAME PRESEASON WINNING STREAK

Joe Critz

Wooooo! What a great game! Even though cj stroud didn’t have a hot start, davis mills and keenum looked great, the running and run blocking looked fantastic, and the defense held NE to 3.7 yards per play

Well, at this point in the game, I would offer up the game balls and punishments, but honestly, this is preseason. How many stellar preseason Week 1 performers end up turning into one of the myriad of cuts a team must make? How many preseason struggles end up forgotten with the coming of the regular season and “real” NFL football? Suffice it to say, the Texans are back and save their bye week and the gap between the last preseason game and the start of the regular season, we will have a Texans game of some sort once a week until January. That alone should suffice for the game ball...and/or the punishment, depending on how the season goes.