Hair of The Dog: Preseason game 2, Miami Dolphins @ Houston Texans

The second week of preseason. We are at the halfway mark of the diet football portion of the schedule. Teams are starting to turn their attention towards getting ready for the regular season. The starters will actually start seeing the field in most cases, and the backups are upping the intensity, as this is the make-or-break time of their careers. The Houston Texans came in to this game with a preseason four game winning streak. This has been their time of year, for better or worse.

With that in mind, this game encapsulates why analysis of preseason is kinda screwy. On one hand, CJ Stroud got more playing time, and looked way better than he did against New England. Will Anderson Jr. gave us the defensive play of the preseason, offering the Texans’ fanbase a lot of good vibes. However, Houston gave the home fans a treat of suffering through a 28-3 beatdown, giving up over 200 yards rushing to the Miami Dolphins. For those of you that suffered through last season, in varying degrees of sobriety, or lack thereof, this is not a memory from last season you want to relive. Some things need to stay in the past, and the Texans run defense from 2022 is one of them.

Hopefully, the Texans got their [KITTEN]-whipping out of the way and can evolve in to a more competitive force this year. We shall see. As always, your Battle Red Blog masthead had their near-real time takes on the second game of the pre-season. All questionable words have been replaced with [KITTEN] for better work decorum, or as much as we can achieve in this post-pandemic business world. With that, on to the ‘Dog:

HOTD: PRESEASON GAME 2; DOLPHINS @ TEXANS

vballretired

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Kenneth L.

Whats up boys

big game today

Patrick

Hey Kenneth.

Joe

hellooooo

it’s almost time for the big game! really excited to see stroud and all of the of the offensive linemen play again

i know we’re not supposed to like the jaguars but since they have both parker washington and breton strange playing today i have to admit that i like them a little tiny bit

l4blitzer

Well, we bust out the Juice at center, and…well, he’ll be out there at least

Joe

I didn’t think Juice was amazing in the snaps he played but I actually thought he looked alright compared to the other guys around him

l4blitzer

Well, however we might feel about the Texans, at least we are not Yankee fans. 3 games under .500 this late in the year. Not that I am sad about that, but man, don’t want to be in the social media offices for that franchise.

David Carr in the NFL game studio…think he might have some PTSD based on the Texans’ O-line performance last week?

Patrick

Well he’s not hiding under the desk so it can’t be THAT bad.

vballretired

Spencer Tillman in the Channel 13 studio saying we are looking for more points. [KITTEN] that’s hard hitting analysis

Patrick

Each of the Texans’ preseason games are going to be on TV for me. I don’t think that’s happened since I moved up here and I’ve been here for 18 years now.

l4blitzer

The drinking game starts when Tillman busts out the SAT vocabulary drill. Use caution, as your BAC will probably hit the legal limit after the 1st 3 possessions.

vballretired

But you don’t get Spencer “Tim Kelly is a top five play caller” Tillman

vballretired

ND Kalu is doing the actual game though

Patrick

Oh thank Durga.

l4blitzer

At least Andre Ware is a more tolerable game analyst. Not saying great, but will take him over Tillman every Sunday of the season.

vballretired

Tillman is in the news studio

It’s also on XM 89 by the way

Joe

it’s almost time!!!!

i wanna see at least one cj stroud 15+ yard dime

vballretired

I get free XM in the new Jeep until November

l4blitzer

Now Carr is having to relive his Texans days…you feel like he wants to tell Stroud “GET OUT!!!! GET OUT OF THERE!!!!”

Joe

hahaha

vballretired

Pitre will be a beast

Dolphins on offense first

l4blitzer

Carr, after talking about Tunsil…”I never really had that…” The PTSD is so evident there.

MIA POSSESSION

vballretired

If he starts screaming let us know

Patrick

Let’s kick this pig.

vballretired

Denzel Perryman with a pick!!!!!!

Joe

HERE WE GOOOO

Patrick

NOW THAT’S HOW YOU START A GAME!

PERRYMAN WITH THE INT ON THE FIRST PLAY, HOU POSSESSION

Joe

WHAT

AAAAAA

vballretired

Give that guy the rest of the day off

Joe

yep he wins haha

what a start!!!

woooo!!!

l4blitzer

Digging the classic Fullback in the I formation here…or maybe I am just embracing my middle age…I don’t know.

vballretired

An early nominee for the Schlitz Light Player of the Game

At my age the wishbone would feel comfortable

Maybe the Veer

Patrick

Hmmmmmm

l4blitzer

Ah yes, the textbook momentum killing Delay of Game penalty…welcome to the 2020s Texans

vballretired

Well that was anticlimactic

Joe

Good work in the middle of that line!

The Scruggs Pierce connection

Patrick

They’re going for it

l4blitzer

“[KITTEN] the FG…full speed ahead…or not.”

Patrick

Okay that’s a little concerning.

TEXANS FAIL TO SCORE ON FOURTH DOWN. MIA POSSESSION

vballretired

Well (expletive deleted) that was a [KITTEN] drive

And we felt so good 15 minutes ago

Joe

It’s just one of those days!

MOSTERT WITH THE 3-YARD TD; MIA 7 - HOU 0; 5:30, 1st

Kenneth L.

Defensive line looks putrid

vballretired

Kroger’s commercials are so weird

Joe

Where that’s spicy defense from last week :(

Kenneth L.

Greenard Yick

l4blitzer

Well, we are facing a real offense this week. Remember it was BO’B last week.

vballretired

Like I said, that was more about the Pats I’m afraid

Joe

Maybe this is the return of Kendall Lamm game or something

Kenneth L.

Or that was Jerry H. Either way booo

Joe

Say it isn’t soooo

Kenneth L.

My [DURGA] Lamm is still playing??

vballretired

Well we do get to watch Billy O suffer…..

Patrick

We could’ve done that when he was at Alabama, though.

vballretired

He had a Bryce Young to bail him out

Ok, that’s a nice looking play

HOU POSSESSION

Patrick

Solid first play there.

vballretired

First down Texans!

Joe

WOOOO

Patrick

Pierce!

l4blitzer

Giving the ball to Pierce..usually a good thing.

vballretired

Another nice play to Collins

Kenneth L.

Good to see Andrew Beck getting in there

vballretired

Ok, that’s an awesome pass to Brown

Patrick

That was beautiful.

l4blitzer

Well, if we can Stroud in a rhythm…that would be real nice

Joe

HERE WE GO

finally!

vballretired

Well [gatito]

l4blitzer

That got blow’d up.

That and no one accounted for that LB

vballretired

Ok, that was good considering the circumstances

Kenneth L.

I bet Brevin gets cut

l4blitzer

Good toughness there.

vballretired

Mr. December?

Patrick

That was solid.

vballretired

Another good throw

l4blitzer

Woods sighting

Patrick

Hmmmmmm!

Joe

Good throw to schultz not an easy throw

Kenneth L.

Great throw into the blitz

vballretired

Running game is non-existent

l4blitzer

Well, figure that Miami is keying on the run and gambling to see what Stroud can do

Kenneth L.

I may PT[K]O with these passes

Patrick

Pass The [KITTEN] Out?

vballretired

I’m okay if this is the first team’s last drive

Kenneth L.

Fant looks horrific

Yes hahah

1ST QUARTER; MIA 7 - HOU 0. FAST QUARTER, BUT HOU IS DRIVING

Patrick

Thank goodness we won’t see much of him this season (I hope).

vballretired

We may see some roster shuffling on the OL following preseason

Joe

Hopefully Kilian Zierer or Austin Deculus improve over the course of the season that Fant being bad won’t matter

Why can’t the Texans get lucky like the Chargers and just happen upon a guy like Jamaree Salyer in the 6th round

l4blitzer

Because we are the Texans and we can’t have nice things…

vballretired

Send healing vibes to Tytus. Come on Durga. Work your magic.

Joe

Yea….

At least Tytus is good

vballretired

Should have been caught

Joe

There was some time where many were very unsure of him

l4blitzer

Ah, that was more good defense vs. offensive player incompetence

vballretired

It would be 7-6 in the regular season

Patrick

I think hoping Deculus improves to the point of unseating Fant is a fool’s errand at this point.

35 YARD FG FROM FAIRBARIN; HOU 3 - MIA 7; 14:53, 2nd

vballretired

I’ve seen enough of Stroud. He’s easily the QB1 on this roster. It’s time for Mills vs. Keenum action

Joe

Okay but would you join the Jacky Chen hype train

Patrick

One or two more drives.

As long as I don’t have to make jokes about his name.

vballretired

As an aside, who do we find more annoying, Keenum truthers or Mills truthers?

Joe

Nooo don’t let Stroud gooo yet we’re still having fun outsiiidee

Patrick

LOL, an ad for Jim Cramer on NFL Network. One of the dumbest [KITTEN]ers on the planet.

vballretired

Maybe that’s a groupthink question

MIA POSSESSION

Patrick

Mills truthers. At least with Keenum there’s a vague track record of success, even if it is mostly just the one Vikings season.

Mills is just not that good.

vballretired

I ironically got both in the comments of my VOT early last week

l4blitzer

Tua out. Thompson nearly hit on the deep ball. Ward’s aura scared the WR…yeah, that’s the ticket

vballretired

Will Anderson!!!!!!!!

l4blitzer

Anderson killed everything in his path.

Joe

Anderson going crazy!!!

Patrick

I think I’m gonna like watching Will Anderson play.

l4blitzer

Just missed recovering the fumble. He’ll learn

vballretired

Ok, that defensive drive is more like it

HOU POSSESSION

Kenneth L.

WILL ANDERSON

vballretired

I think Thompson was always going to recover looking at the replay but teams now know you don’t use a RB one on one with Anderson

If teams have to consistently double team him it will open up things for someone

Stroud still in

Patrick

It’s way too early, but watching Will Anderson is reminding me of prime JJ Watt.

l4blitzer

Hmmm…not the start you want after that great defensing

vballretired

Horrible snap from Scruggs

Running to the right is not exactly sound strategy

Ok, another decent throw

Patrick

Has anyone seen Tank in the backfield or have they put him in bubble wrap for the preseason?

l4blitzer

Another corner would have at least forced the incompletion…but it was Eli Apple, so even Stroud knows he can go after this.

vballretired

Maybe the Pierce treatment

Joe

Hahaha

l4blitzer

At least not a turnover.

MIA POSSESSION

Joe

At least the pass blocking is looking a bit better

vballretired

Okay, seen enough of Stroud. 7 for 10 is a decent effort in his second game

l4blitzer

Won’t argue that.

Joe

Yeah I’d say I’ve seen enough too

Patrick

Yeah, let’s get Mills out there and see how big the drop off is between our rookie QB and our third year QB.

vballretired

Well he will be taking on twos so there will be plays made and his truthers will whine

Joe

I’m not a Mills truther but I still desperately want him to spontaneously become a good qb

I fall for the truthers so easily

vballretired

I think this offense will make him look better certainly

I don’t hate him. I don’t hate anyone. I just wish people would accept who he is

Joe

GREENARD!

vballretired

Intended for Joe Grass

Joe

I cant do it!!! He’s just so…..charming….yknow

vballretired

Offsetting penalties

Patrick

It’s the neck, isn’t it?

Joe

It’s the neck

Can’t resist that neck

Patrick

[DURGA][KITTEN] how does Eric Murray still have a job?!

Joe

He’s like the heir to Mike Glennon

vballretired

There’s a natural charisma there. The press is just so drawn to him.

l4blitzer

Guys, we talked about not reviving last year’s defense. It is not en vogue people

vballretired

Bend but don’t break baby!

Joe

He’s my quarterback

vballretired

Well Mills might be better than Thompson

Joe

But he isn’t actually

He might be

Kenneth L.

That first down is badddd

Joe

Which is funny cuz Skylar Thompson is the guy that almost beat the Bills in the wildcard game earlier this year

vballretired

Redacted 1.0 did win a playoff game

Patrick

Against Connor Cook and the Raiders, I’m not sure that counts.

vballretired

In his mind…..

Kenneth L.

Who is Jake Martin and why is he running with the first team

vballretired

This run defense is [KITTEN]

Joe

Yeah the run defense is super gone

Kenneth L.

Travierre Thomas isn’t a pro. How many times do I have to say it

vballretired

Well technically he is being paid so….

Kenneth L.

Jake thomas is getting whooped

vballretired

A lot of these guys demonstrate VOT so vividly. They have value but are one step higher on the depth chart than they belong

Jerry Hughes might have surpassed his expiration date

Joe

To’oTo’o getting put on skates by Thompson! Lol

NOOOO

UGH

almost a good stop

vballretired

Timeout Dolphins

Joe

Some Texans LB should’ve seen that coming

vballretired

Honestly though we aren’t seeing anything exotic so we don’t know how good this defense can be

Patrick

I gotta talk about this Samsung flip phone ad.

l4blitzer

Game moving FAST

vballretired

I’m not seeing it here. Is it that stupid one with all the people at the picnic table?

Patrick

That’s the one.

vballretired

I’ll stick with my iPhone thank you

Patrick

The expression on that one girl’s face when she sees the flip phone is the expression you see on a serial killer’s face when they choose a new victim.

vballretired

That was easy

Patrick

Or like how everyone in the Black Hole Sun music video looks.

Joe

Jeez oh man the Ahmed drive killing Houston linebackers right now

Joe

LM[K]O

Those flip phones put you in a trance!

vballretired

Nice return

I have a coworker with one. I’ll pass.

vballretired

Stroud still in

Such a nice convo though

Joe

Woooo Steven Sims!!!

Patrick

Guess Stroud is getting the two minute drill test.

Joe

You were right about Stroud getting the whole half, Pat

vballretired

I guess so but the second drive showed me what I needed to see

l4blitzer

See what Stroud can do in the 2 min offense works for me

vballretired

Yeah I suppose

l4blitzer

Texans probably didn’t figure on such a fast moving game with a bad run D.

vballretired

Miscommunication with Collins on that one

Nice spin move but a drop by Brown

Patrick

That should’ve been caught.

MIA POSSESSION

vballretired

Well [gatito] that was expletive deleted run defense

Joe

UGH

they canNOT do anything to stop Ahmed

vballretired

Nice pressure on Thompson

l4blitzer

I know it is preseason and all that, but the run defense is giving me nightmares here

vballretired

Mother father that was pathetic

Patrick

Ewwwwwwwwwwww.

Joe

Khalil Davis making more plays!

vballretired

21-3 Dolphins as the Texans defense regresses into 2021-2022 mode

Patrick

LULZ

l4blitzer

Wouldn’t be surprised if Ryans doesn’t put someone in a backbreaker at halftime

HALFTIME: MIA 21 - HOU 3

Alright gents, reactions if you got ‘em

vballretired

Halftime thoughts: This depends on what your focus is. If you’re focused on specific players then you can feel good about Stroud and Anderson. They will be difference makers. Generally speaking you don’t see anything scheme wise in the preseason. So while it looks bad it is probably not THAT bad. Still, this team will have to win through Xs and Os because they don’t quite have all the Jimmys and Joes yet.

l4blitzer

Stroud played better and Anderson showed why Caserio paid a price to pick him up. While only preseason, the run defense is looking way too much like last season. If this team is going to improve, they can’t surrender 140 1st half rushing yards. Even taking away that 65 yard run, the Texans were still getting gashed too much on the ground, even for preseason

vballretired

Spencer Tillman in the second half. Well [KITTEN], where’s the mute button on this remote?

Patrick

I stole it.

vballretired

Is this one of those tech fangled hostage negotiations?

Patrick

Depends on how much it’s worth to you.

vballretired

However, if he threw in a “they’d be great with Tim Kelly” it’d be comedy gold

Honestly if Tua is healthy for 17 games they could win the AFC East

We have reached the “just run the clock” portion of the proceedings

Patrick

Thanks Tomlinson.

vballretired

Ah, the ever important third running back competition

Patrick

Keke Coutee sighting!

vballretired

Nice roll and throw by Mills only to have it dropped

Joe

Hi Keke!

Run defense has got to look better now

vballretired

But does it?

Joe

Star players for Texans finally showed some stuff in the first half but the defense looked real bad

Joe

pleaaaaase

vballretired

Yeah, just saying

Joe

These backup LBs gotta do something cool right

MIA POSSESSION

vballretired

The best thing I’ll say about today is we see where the holes are. I think the waiver wire will be interesting at the end of the month

Joe

Littleton shows good patience there and then fails to make a good tackle

l4blitzer

Guess the Defense is getting more chances to excel…again

Joe

Oh my goodness can Skylar Thompson chill out with these last second plays

COME ONNNN

vballretired

If I were being serious for a moment I’ll say the first two games show we won’t be horrible but also not quite a playoff contender either. The Dolphins have a lot of talent on the first string offense and defense. They could win the AFC East if they stay healthy.

We obviously aren’t on that level quite yet

Joe

I agree. These last two games show a lot of improvement but not quite enough to be directly competing with upper-tier AFC teams

l4blitzer

Miami is going to have quite the backup QB battle. Mike White, who had his moments in New Jersey (Jets) and Thompson, who started the playoff game at Buffalo and played fairly well

Joe

Hey speak of the devil

Here comes Mike white

vballretired

Let’s be honest, most of the guys we are watching on defense now will only be Texans for another ten days.

Patrick

Bang.

l4blitzer

A positive defensive play. A nice change of pace

Joe

Derek Rivers a little too fast there

vballretired

Nice sack by Unspellable

l4blitzer

We’ve now entered the flag-throwing portion of the program

Joe

Woooo!

vballretired

Neville Hewitt auditioning for the USFL

Joe

Refs checked the clock and were like oh shoot we gotta throw some flags down real quick

HOU POSSESSION

vballretired

Name Redacted 2.0 supposedly threw three picks in joint practices this week. Maybe we can enjoy a top ten pick next year.

Should have been a pick there

All penalty offense

l4blitzer

Well, it appears that Mills in mid-season form. Meanwhile, the refs are getting their arm workouts in.

vballretired

Welcome John Metchie to the game

Go for it you cowards

l4blitzer

Stop me if you’ve heard this before…a 3 and out for Houston

Patrick

A tale as old as time.

MIA POSSESSION

vballretired

Maybe Demeco is ready to announce Stroud for week one

We led the universe in three and outs the past two seasons but then again that was Culley’s game plan

l4blitzer

I’ll take it as a good sign that this game is ticking me off. Makes me realize that you can care about this squad. Yeah, it is pre-season and all, but there are some signs…it is just that perhaps we have a LOT more work to do in some areas…like run defense, talent, run defense, pass blocking, run defense, building up depth, run defense….you get the idea.

vballretired

He probably looked at Red Bieleau’s take a knee offense in the Waterboy with great envy

Garrett Wallow down

l4blitzer

Hey, can’t turn it over if you just effectively kneel down (Joe Pisarcik excepted)

Joe

I think the Texans have been cursed to be bad at run defense since D.J. Reader left

vballretired

If we go three and out we are good—David Culley

l4blitzer

Remember when Brandon Dunn was going to pick up the slack after Reader left…yeah, that probably should have been clue one that the Texans were entering a bad phase.

vballretired

No, that was when we picked my Horned Frog over Zachary Taylor

l4blitzer

Well, there were SOOO many examples to chose from really. No incorrect answers, even if they are wrong

vballretired

Oh they were all wrong

Patrick

I don’t remember any of this. I guess if you experience enough trauma your brain rewards you with amnesia.

vballretired

That or enough Long Island ice teas can cover that

l4blitzer

Ummm…Miami…why is Thompson back in the game here? Oh…an injury scare…disregard….but still, I think that Thompson has shown enough

Patrick

Yeah, I’m not going to do that this year. Or at least waaaaaaaay less this year.

l4blitzer

Ain’t going to lie….Ryans looks like he could still play LB in a pinch

vballretired

I need one of those MIB things to forget Ross Blacklock. I really wanted him to be good.

l4blitzer

…as did all who followed Houston in those days

Patrick

I saw him in the Seahawks/Vikings preseason game last week. He actually did a thing.

vballretired

Well if Kendall Lamm is still around….

l4blitzer

Ah, Miami is looking to work on their mid-range 3rd down offense

vballretired

We are watching insurance salesmen at this point

l4blitzer

Ah. Miami is looking to work on their 3rd and long offense

Patrick

They are trying to drag this game out, aren’t they?

l4blitzer

This quarter will last longer than the 1st half

…and the Dolphins got the practice result they wanted

vballretired

Another flag

Patrick

River Cracraft is not a real name. That’s the name of someone in witness protection whose handler stopped giving a [KITTEN] back in 1998.

Joe

Man it’s like a flag party

vballretired

Lined up in the neutral zone

l4blitzer

At this rate, the refs will need Tommy John surgery by the end of the game

vballretired

I think he was the mob accountant for the Gambini crime family

l4blitzer

Hey, when the secondary isn’t having to cover on run defense, they can maybe do some good things in pass defense.

Joe

Cowart making a play

vballretired

Oh. My. Durga. A stop?!

Joe

FINALLY

l4blitzer

Fins are getting close to a 2-to-1 advantage in time of possession. I really thought we left 2022 behind…but nooooooooooooooo

vballretired

Nevermind

Patrick

[DURGA] I hope we have no injuries this year because we have no depth behind our starters.

Kenneth L.

This secondary is horrific

Joe

WELP

Kenneth L.

Arnold is okay

I take that back

vballretired

That was the least competitive play I’ve ever seen.

Kenneth L.

Yikes

Patrick

[DURGA] [KITTEN]ing [KITTEN] at least TRY to tackle him.

Kenneth L.

This is a blowout

Joe

Man this defense is not having a day

vballretired

Roll that clock

Joe

30 just not knowing what’s going on

BROOKS ON A TEXTBOOK SCREEN PASS (18 YARDS) FOR A TD; MIA 28 - HOU 3; 0:27, 3RD

Joe

Hey it’s 28-3 you know what that means

l4blitzer

Toro with a shoe…what is Toro doing with a shoe? Ah, never mind.

vballretired

It’s Miller Time?

l4blitzer

The TV commentator stole my line from earlier about Ryans. Can we sue for copyright and make some actual money?

Patrick

We can try.

We’ll get laughed out of court, but we can sure try.

vballretired

I’m still holding out hope for Bartesian

HOU POSSESSION

vballretired

Boone with a splash play

Joe

It’s Miller timeeee!!!!!!

l4blitzer

The first good play for Houston since…well…anyway, something positive

Joe

Hahaha

Patrick

This Texans defensive stand is brought to you by Pioneer Squares cannabis chews. Pioneer Squares, for when you don’t know where you are, what you’re doing, or why you’re even there.

vballretired

I was thinking Lonestar Cow Manure but sure

Joe

Pioneer Squares, for when you’re hungry, and……………..

vballretired

Taking care of all of your fertilizer needs

END OF 3RD; MIA 28 - HOU 3…NOW ON TO THE 4TH AND PERHAPS THE LAST CHANCE FOR MANY TO LIVE OUT THEIR DREAMS

Kenneth L.

Is this the worst preseason game in Texans history?

Patrick

Hey, you work on getting your illicit goods sponsorship and I’ll work on mine.

START OF FOURTH QUARTER

vballretired

It’s a candidate

l4blitzer

Given that the Texans seem to play their best in the preseason this decade, that is quite the indictment.

vballretired

Fair. If we get both we will never have a sober HOTD again.

Boy that was a pathetic effort by Sims

l4blitzer

Wait…wait…a sotally tober HOTD….what….what…whatareyoutalkingabout

Kenneth L.

This is pathetic

Patrick

Someone could’ve run out from the stands and caught that play in the time that ball was up in the air for.

MIA POSSESSION

Patrick

It might not be the worst but it’s probably up there with some of those early expansion team preseason games.

l4blitzer

Special teams at least is looking encouraging

Joe

Yeah this isn’t encouraging m

Why not both?

As the famous Oreo commercial girl once said

Patrick

I knew there was a reason I kept you around.

Kenneth L.

Hewitt is sooooo slow

l4blitzer

Harris getting some air time

vballretired

It’s preseason. It’s preseason. It’s preseason.

l4blitzer

Hey, the defense has only given up 41 yards since halftime….improvement

rushing

vballretired

Yeah improvement :::rolls. Eyes:::

l4blitzer

Go figure…Ahmed may go for 100 yards…and he probably ends up on the waiver wire

Kenneth L.

These are simple run plays

vballretired

Maybe a future Texan…

Joe

This defensive line just can’t do it

57 too slow to make a play

Kenneth L.

Okay Ross that was aggressive

l4blitzer

Well, some defensive fight for once. At least Ross may get a nice Hou highlight

vballretired

The DTs were horrible last year. Apparently it wasn’t the scheme.

l4blitzer

Thompson with his first dumb play of the day.

Miami, come on…why are you avoiding a 65-70 yard FG? This is the time to do it. Cowards

Kenneth L.

Boooo Dylan Horton c’mon

Joe

I think Thompson outperformed Mills today, but it’s hard to say that since Thompson is getting a lot more help form his surrounding cast

vballretired

Tom Dempsey rolling around in his grave

HOU POSSESSION

vballretired

There were two or three key drops that killed drives for Mills

Patrick

Pretty sure this is supposed to be a preseason game for the Texans and Dolphins; didn’t think the refs needed preseason.

l4blitzer

Refs were falling asleep at halftime. Throwing the flags to just stay awake

vballretired

That throwing motion has to be practiced guys. You don’t want an Orlando Brown situation

They are trying really hard to hype the wide receiver room

Joe

Alright Coward is back in! He could be an asset but haven’t seen enough of him yet to know

vballretired

It reminds me of the story about my uncle selling a dying Christmas tree on Christmas Eve as a “golden tipped scotch pine”

Joe

I thought Keaton Sutherland proved enough to be a solid backup guard last week but they released him yesterday

vballretired

This game needs to end.

l4blitzer

A Coutee return….

MIA POSSESSION

Joe

If Ahmed comes back in I’m gonna [KITTEN] my pants

vballretired

Let’s not do that

Joe

Alright Littleton finally gets a good tackle!

It’s not in my hands

vballretired

I have two cats next to me that hate each other. That is infinitely more entertaining than this game and they have more fight in them than this defense.

Joe

Hahaha

Have they been battling all game

l4blitzer

If your cats could stop an NFL running back, Houston will give them more than a cursory look

vballretired

Mostly growling but a few haymakers were thrown

Joe

Lol

I have a few cats myself but they less hate each other and more just can’t contain themselves for more than a few minutes

HOU POSSESSION

vballretired

One could be a DT. He’s slow by maybe a nose tackle type

Joe

At some point they just start bouncing across the room

vballretired

Impressive on some level

Joe

Wait Humprhies is back on the team?

Did the Texans cut him and then resign him a few days later?

l4blitzer

Sorry about that. It was 31-3. Miami still has time to match that for perfect symmetry

Again, not good or wanted, but it would work

vballretired

I’m not sure on Humphries

It’s academic anyway

Joe

Lemme guess the other one is a feisty CB

l4blitzer

Hey, trying to find something interesting about this matchup…really, really struggling here…and that is saying something for preseason

vballretired

Or safety

These receivers are doing Mills zero favors

l4blitzer

84 not helping his case for a future roster spot

vballretired

Unspellable with a catch

l4blitzer

Well, it does help if you make up with a 3rd down conversion

vballretired

Quitoriano

TWO MINUTE WARNING

vballretired

I think I spelled that right. It’s preseason for us too

Joe

I Guess Derek rivers and Littleton made some plays….and Mike Boone once or twice

vballretired

Oh are we nominating a Keystone Light player of the game?

l4blitzer

If the Texans can get their major [KITTEN]-whipping out of the way now, and not suffer that in week 1 when I see them live in Baltimore, I will be ok with this.

Joe

You’re seeing them opening weekend!

vballretired

I’ll go Will Anderson

l4blitzer

Did Freemoose just go with the lame dab?

vballretired

That’s brave watching them week one.

l4blitzer

Yes, I did get the tickets…hoping it goes better than the 41-7 beat down a couple of years ago

Joe

Oh yeah I’d second this

LM[K]O

l4blitzer

Mattress Firm just claimed Anderson for the POTG

Joe

I’d think so after Stroud and the starting receivers showed some competency at the beginning of this game

Stroud and Pierce should be able to make it at least competitive

Hahaha

Can you tell I’m a Texans fan

vballretired

That’s too good for this game. I mean no one pulled a Tank Dell. Skunky beer is all I’m willing to go.

l4blitzer

What…no “Bob’s Discount Furniture Store” player of the game designation?

vballretired

Maybe next week

l4blitzer

Oh, now the Texans want to make a few exciting plays for us?

vballretired

I mean if we are giving away merchandise do we think anyone has earned furniture or a mattress?

Joe

Finally a positive pass play haha

l4blitzer

Maybe one of those mattress you find on the curbside right before trash pickup day

vballretired

It’s garbage time Mills

Joe

He’s back again!

Tell a friend

vballretired

Meaningless yards to inspire hope in the box score

Joe

That sexy neck is back

vballretired

Ok who is 66?

Joe

Jarrett Patterson? Maybe?

l4blitzer

A lot of work by Boone for a practical no gain

vballretired

He’s down

Kenneth L.

STOP CHECKING THE BALL DOWN

Joe

No it’s Kilian Zierer

Jarrett Patterson is 68

Kenneth L.

Who?

Joe

That’s bad actually

vballretired

Zierer is down but he’s a cut anyway

Joe

He’s was a pretty good LT last week and solid this week

Idk actually I’m not the biggest fan but he scored real high in pass protection on pff

vballretired

Injury settlement baby

Pass intended for John Turf

l4blitzer

Let’s not have anyone injured. Yes, this game is bad, but no injuries, especially for these guys who may never play on an NFL field again

MIA POSSESSION

vballretired

Victory formation. Mercifully this ends.

Joe

Man that was a chore of a game

This is what the preseason is for though I guess

FINAL: MIA 28 - HOU 3; NO REPEAT OF THE (UNOFFICIAL) PRESEASON CHAMPIONSHIP FOR THE TEXANS

Joe

Poor Texans, Stroud and Anderson looked good at the beginning, but the run defense was poor all game.

Game Balls: Well, didn’t figure I would kick this part of HOTD off yet, as I am trying to maintain a totally positive outlook and not foster signs of negativity. That being said, CJ Stroud looked oh-so-much better in his 1st half of play. Perfect? Nope, but it seemed like he was able to settle in and play vs. trying to think his way through the game. Then we have Will Anderson Jr. going all Robert Oppenheimer on the Dolphins, being a destroyer of worlds by trucking the running back and forcing a QB fumble on the subsequent sack. Ok, one play only, but what a play!

Should Be Forced To Drive Home Along The Westheimer/Galleria/I-10 Interchange, Having to Immediately Change Multiple Lanes of Traffic To Make a Critical Turn : Really, really wanted to avoid singling out a player, given that this is pre-season, and that for a lot of guys, this will be the apex of their hopes and dreams. That being said, I am legitimately scared about the run defense. Did well enough in New England, but returning home...YUCK! 205 yards rushing allowed. Subtract out the 65 yard run, the team still surrendered over 140 yards, as the Dolphins felt confident enough to rush the ball 37 times. Yes, it is only pre-season and yes, many of players involved may not be on the roster come September 1st. However, this type of defensive effort does not auger good tidings for the season ahead.

See everyone back here next Sunday, when the Texans close out pre-season with a contest against New Orleans in the Superdome in a prime-time affair.