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Totally Not Fake News: The Houston Texans keep rolling…hopefully to an actual home win

In their way, just the fearsome defense and running game of the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Houston Texans v Jacksonville Jaguars Photo by Mike Carlson/Getty Images

HOUSTON - Spirits were high in Houston Texans’ facilities this week, as the team looks to build off of its 37-17 win this past week against the Jacksonville Jaguars.

“Yeah, man, it was a great team win. Made some great progress passing the ball. Defense made the plays they had to, even Eric M----y. As for special teams...well, I mean, Andrew [DURGA] [KITTEN] Beck!!! Need I say more.” Observed starting QB and NFL Offensive Rookie of the Month CJ Stroud.

Houston Texans v Jacksonville Jaguars
Ya know, if he hadn’t received that egregious contract from BO’B…
Photo by Mike Carlson/Getty Images

Actually, the whole team facility was abuzz about the special teams performance of Andrew Beck. “Wait, you mean fullbacks can actually run like that? We actually still have fullbacks?” Noted WR Tank Dell, who was also the winner of the TNFN “Best Tank on the Field of Battle” at Jacksonville, outplaying his namesake, Tank Bigsby.

However, the special teams staff was abuzz about Beck’s incredible run. “Ain’t seen a fullback do that since the glory days of Franco Harris,” noted experienced veteran QB Case Keenum.

“Nah, that was more like Bronco Nagurski, back when Fullbacks were REAL runners. Did you see how he trucked those 6 Jags players?” Noted even more experienced long snapper Jon Weeks.

Bronco Nagurski During NFC Championship Game
Buried in the pile…a less grizzled Jon Weeks post-snap

“Oh, that right!” Keenum exclaimed. “I remember reading about him in early 20th century history at Houston, That was an awesome photo, of you snapping the ball to Nagurski, and when he said that you taught him so much...”

“You young punk!!!” Weeks immediately charged at Keenum, waiving his walker in a threatening manner. However, Weeks accidentally triggered his MedAlert bracelet, and several nurses were able to get to the facility locker room in time to prevent Weeks from injuring his back.”

When we asked the coaching staff about Beck’s big play and any future role for the fullback, Head Coach DeMeco Ryans and Offensive Coordinator Bobby Slowik demurred. We caught up with Special Teams maestro Frank Ross, who didn’t seem all that pleased that we were interrupting some sort of secretive work.

NFL: SEP 24 Texans at Jaguars
Ernst Stavro Blofeld fears disappointing Frank Ross
Photo by John Rivera/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

“Actually, Beck kinda needed to make that play. Dude botched the initial fielding of the kick-off return, and I do not tolerate any needless Special Teams failures.” Ross grimly noted as he just as dramatically turned to a couple of chairs rising up from a series of trapdoors in his office, both smoking as if they had been doused in electrical fire.

While we don’t know if the Texans have any new plans for their big play fullback for the future, they still have a rather important game to prepare for in the coming week: The Pittsburgh Steelers. Despite a strong preseason, their offense has not exactly gotten off to the strongest of starts, but the team is 2-1.

Yet, that didn’t seem to be the biggest problem for Texans. “It’s not their offense that is keeping me up at night.” noted Offensive Coordinator Bobby Slowik. “That defense, and that pass-rush they have...(immediately engages in a full-body shiver).

“Well, yeah, they do have a great defense.” Noted Team Mascot Toro. “HOWEVER, the worst part of the coming match-up with the Steelers...those [KITTEN] Yinzer! I mean, seriously, those annoying [KITTEN] towel thingies they keep waving? Of course they would call them “Terrible”...they are a “Terrible” eye-sore, afflicting the eyes of all who stare upon them.”

The Baltimore Ravens play the Pittsburgh Steerlers in the AFC Semi final play off game
Nothing but towels…Terrible, Terrible Towels…

“And on top of that...they relentlessly hound our great concession workers...always [KITTEN]ing about lacking ‘quality’ beer. ‘QUALITY’ beer...which for that cursed Yinzer crowd means either milk cow urine...oh, sorry, I meant Yuengling or Iron...Iron...Iro,hold on a sec (Toro immediately ran out of the room, followed by some loud retching sounds)...ok...back...anyway, that cursed (Toro belches) Iron City Beer. I mean, at least learn that Shiner Bock is far superior to any Yiz-ling/Yuengling-ding-a-ling product, and everyone knows that Lone Star Beer is the most superior of cheap-[KITTEN] watered down alcoholic beverages.”

SXSW Filmmakers Lunch - 2023 SXSW Conference and Festivals
If you come into contact with any “Yinzer” brews, immediate seek the nearest concession and take a can/bottle of the nearest Shiner Bock (of if no Shiner is available, then Lone Star Beer can be substituted) and safely quench to remove any “Yinzer” poisons…
Photo by Hutton Supancic/Getty Images for SXSW

“You’ll have to excuse Toro’s disposition.” noted one staffer. “He’s been in a mood since he learned that we aren’t playing any Taylor Swift songs over the PA system this coming week.” When we asked why, and if the team could withstand the blowback from the ‘Swiftie’ nation, the staff shrugged. “She’s a Chiefs fan, and we can’t be having any of that mess in our building.”

Chicago Bears v Kansas City Chiefs
Apparently, all Swift songs are now banned by the other AFC West opponents…meanwhile, our social mentions should go through the roof with this mention of @TalyorSwift/#TaylorSwift
Photo by David Eulitt/Getty Images

Still, the main concern about the Steelers’ defense was dominating the offensive game plans. CJ Stroud didn’t seem too perturbed, but his continence changed when informed that the Pittsburgh Steelers were not Penn State. “Oh, maybe I should be worried then. I mean, I OWNED Penn State, but yeah, the Steelers...a little different, I guess.”

A major concern for the game will be pass protection. While the pass protection held up well enough at Jacksonville, the team is looking for the offensive line to step up its pass protection. “Hey, our Bene Gesserit training didn’t work in practice, but we tried a new concept we got from Matt Burke...Force Punching.” noted OL George Fant.

“Not again,” Matt Burke lamented. “I just read and watch Sci-Fi for a break, not to provide actual blocking techniques. I mean Stroud was just so mobile. Still, the Steelers are much more dangerous than Jacksonville.”

NFL: AUG 19 Preseason - Dolphins at Texans
It would be so much easier if the linemen actually blocked, as opposed to me finding some secret technique to overcome their deficiencies.
Photo by Leslie Plaza Johnson/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

With the news that Tunsil and Jones will be out, the pass protection concerns are well-founded. “I mean, you can’t just line up a regular ol’ Joe to stop Watt and that defensive line.” one staffer noted. “Now, a plain Jane or Meg on the other hand...”

TNFN sources reported that Cal McNair directed GM Nick Caserio to look for a certain Meg in PA, who reportedly beat the tar out of Watt and two other Steeler defenders. The staffer found her, but when he asked her to help the Texans out, she immediately told him to get out of the “kitchen” and broke two paddles over his head as the staffer was interrupting her game.

Well, maybe the O-line can survive without her, but come what may, the Texans and Steelers will slug it out this Sunday. JJ Watt will join the Ring of Honor, but which Watt will get bragging rights, and can Toro hold off the Yinzer hordes with enough Shiner Bock? Will have to stay tuned.