HOUSTON - As the calendar approaches mid-January, many fanbases turn their attention to the future. The regular season is finished. There is free agency, the draft, and the promise of the next season, when maybe, things will go better on the field. In some respects, we have already crossed the 1st threshold of the off-season, as teams dismiss coaches and general managers in hopes of pinning the blame, er, in hopes that a change in leadership will be the thing that improves the upward trajectory. The Carolina Panthers, Las Vegas Raiders, Los Angeles Chargers, Atlanta Falcons and Washington Commanders have fired their previous coaches. It is likely that other teams will do the same.
As for the Houston Texans, they will look to leverage their $72 to $74 million in projected cap space as well as a full complement of draft picks to improve the team in the upcoming season and...wait a minute? What do you mean, the season is not over for the Texans? It...it is the end of the regular season. The 17 game schedule is over and the Texans finished theirs...the season is...wait...WHAT?!?!? PLAYOFFS!?!?! DIVISION TITLE?!?!?! Hold on just a...
(Please pardon the interruption...technical difficulties in the course of this article, please stand-by).
Anyway, the Houston Texans, for the first time since 2019, have locked up a winning season and their seventh division title in franchise history...just like everyone predicted they would, including our crack writing staff at Totally Not Fake News, not the dolts who we may or may not have thrown out of the building, followed by dropping multiple blocks of concrete on their heads...
BREAKING: The Tennessee Titans just fired Mike Vrabel, despite a career winning record. Sources indicate that the Titans organization was set on firing Vrabel when he couldn’t win on “Oilers” day against a Texans team using the corpse of Case Keenum and a bunch of reserve truck drivers at offensive line (this has actually been verified by other news sources...if for some reason you don’t completely trust Totally Not Fake News, which we have no idea why that would be the case).
The Texans join the 12 non-bye teams that will vie for a chance to make it to the Super Bowl. Their reward...a rematch with the classically elite Joe Flacco and the Cleveland Browns, who bested Houston 36-22, even as the Texans continued to use the corpse of Case Keenum and those reserve truck drivers.
“Using our elite defense and the play from a franchise-level quarterback with experiences playing in and winning championships, throwing stellar passes...this is EXACTLY how we expected it would all go when we made that deal with Houston in 2022. 100% accurate with no variances or issues, or potential nightmare salary cap problems...nope, all going to plan.” Noted Cleveland Browns’ owner Jimmy Haslam, who didn’t elaborate further.
BREAKING: The Seattle Seahawks have fired Pete Carroll. Well, okay, he is becoming an “advisor”, but he will no longer be coaching the Seahawks. Another winning coach gone and another job opening to cover.
While there is excitement in Houston not seen in years, some of that has been tempered by specters of the past. No, not the blown playoff leads endemic to Houston, but that the Texans, even with an exciting new quarterback, a head coach that can fill out a fitness shirt, and of course, the Most Interesting Defensive Coordinator in the World with The Most Interesting Defense in the World (tm), are slated in their classic time slot: The mid-afternoon tilt on Wild Card Saturday to start the playoffs.
“Well, honestly, it is just tradition...nay, NFL law. This law is even more set in stone than the NFL law that the 2023 Texans must have the majority of their games come down to the final minute with the defense. Look, this isn’t a case where we can bend the rules, this are laws that were set in stone by George Halas, Art Rooney, Buddy Bell, the Mara family and that other dude who was a part of the league but we don’t speak of him. Even though it was nearly 80 years before they came into existence, the founders decreed that Houston will forever play in the Saturday mid-afternoon slot. Oh, they will forever be a division winner in the playoffs...that is also a law, but that more a corollary.” Noted one league official.
“However, there was talk of actually moving the Texans to a prime time slot. We mulled the idea of giving them the Saturday Night game. Of course it was on Peacock, but still, we thought it would be worth it. Try to...”
BREAKING: New England has moved on from their coach Bill Belichick. Just another coach who got sacked.
...mix things up. But, we ran into the issue of the NFL law about the Texans and Saturday afternoon Wild Card Weekend. Also, our social media coordinators, who average about 40 years less in age than our real business executives, noted that a lot of the younger crowd tend to watch events via streaming. They also informed that us that there is the possibly that the only entertainment force more powerful than the NFL could be in play...camera shots of the Kelce entourage. Like we are going to pass that up.”
That last point seemed to resonate with NBC execs. Our source continue...
BREAKING: The New Jersey teams have NOT fired their head coaches. Repeat, the New Jersey teams have NOT fired their head coaches.
[Pause]...Our source continued: “They were suddenly like ‘Hey, we can get a playoff game...and that group of people we can pan to about 55-100 times a game?!?!?! Our subscriptions for Peacock will go viral, and we will make millions, and millions, and millions of dollars...oh Happy DAYS!!!’ ”
That was about the only place where putting the Kansas City Chiefs/Miami Dolphins matchup on Peacock was well received. NFL fans were not happy. Kansas City Chiefs fans and players were really not happy. Even some unexpected sources were not happy.
“Wait a minute. The NFL thought it would be a great idea to put THIS game on the streaming-only service, in an attempt to get more eyeballs. I thought they locked up Sam Bankman-Fried? I could have told them that was a stupid idea, but what do I know?”
So, with that, the NFL will continue to...
BREAKING NEWS: According to “NFL Insider” Jason La Canfora, who is always 100% right and never, ever gets it wrong, is reporting that the Houston Texans have agreed to trade Nick Caserio to the New England Patriots for 2 draft picks and the right to speak with Bill Belichick. According to La Canfora’s “sources”, which may or may not involve beta versions of Elon Musk’s xAI platform, Cal McNair is still interested in bringing the Patriots’ Way to Houston, and with Bill Belichick available, is looking to make that move. Never mind that New England has moved on to Jarod Mayo as head coach, La Canfora still calls for Nick Csaerio and Mike Vrabel to return to New England. La Canfora indicates that Cal was “very” interested in this option. Totally Not Fake News confirms that Cal did muse about whether he should try to bring in Bill Belichick, only to receive consecutive backhanded slaps from Toro and an epic spousal “look of death” from Hannah. Cal is reported to have said “only joking, only joking.”
So, with that, the NFL is...
BREAKING NEWS: Jim Harbaugh has not yet announced if he is staying at Michigan or going to go to the NFL.
Ahem...So, with that...we can finish this sentence now...ok, good. So, with that...
BREAKING NEWS: Aaron Rodgers appeared on the McAfee show again and...
Oh, forget it. The playoffs start Saturday. See you then.