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Battle Red Onion

BRO: Trade Between Texans, Jets Falls Through

Reports are coming in that the Texans had been pursuing a member of the New York Jets organization, but have stalled recently.

BRO: Brian Hoyer's Tearful Admission Explains Much

More than a month after throwing four interceptions against the Kansas City Chiefs in this year's Wild Card round, Texans quarterback Brian Hoyer opens up about a debilitating childhood setback that has dogged him his whole career.

BRO: Mallett To Run For QB Under 3rd Party Ticket

Proudly distributing sensationalized rubbish since 2010. Ryan Mallett may have lost the battle at quarterback, but he hasn't yet lost the war.

Rick Smith Press Conference at 12:30 P.M. CDT

The Houston Texans general manager will be meeting with the media today at 12:30 p.m. for a pre-draft press conference.

Sensationalized Rubbish For The Sophisticated Fan

Battle Red Onion catches up with the major happenings over the past few weeks.

Texans Fined For "Conduct Beneficial To The NFL"

Proudly distributing sensationalized rubbish since 2010. According to league sources, the NFL has fined the Houston Texans and specifically its owner Bob McNair for conduct beneficial to the league. Battle Red Onion has the scoop.

BRO: "No More Booby Traps" in NRG, Vows McNair

Speaking with the media today, Houston Texans owner Bob Mcair addressed the growing safety concerns over NRG Stadium's field.

BRO: Mallett "Looking Forward" To Reading Playbook

Proudly distributing sensationalized rubbish since 2010. Quarterback Ryan Mallet outlines his plan for taking over the starting role for the Houston Texans.

A Battle Red Onion Flashback

There's just something about Houston, and former Texans quarterback Matt Schaub isn't feeling it in Oakland.

BRO: Watt Leaves Practice With Serious Inquiry

Check out the latest edition of Battle Red Onion and get all the details on the developing situation.

The Onion Takes Aim At The Houston Texans

It was only a matter of time until "America's Finest News Source" turned its gaze on the league's worst team last year. Laughter hides the tears, folks.

Tom Savage Confirmed For Pro Football Hall Of Fame

Despite not yet having played a single down of professional football, Tom Savage will be shoe-horned into the 2014 Class of the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Find out why in this latest edition of Battle Red Onion.

BRO: Texans Interested In Trading Back To 2013?

Rick Smith has left all his options open, including options previously thought to be impossible. Read on to see a new facet of his draft strategy.

BRO: Rick Smith Tricked, Flies To New York Early

The NFL's "silly season" has gotten a little sillier as reports are coming in that Houston Texans GM Rick Smith was fooled into thinking the NFL Draft begins this weekend and flew to New York by himself two weeks too soon. Find out how they did it.

Battle Red Onion: 56 Players To Avoid At All Costs

A simple guide for the Houston Texans to avoid making a colossal mistake in free agency.

Featured Fanshot

Battle Red Onion: J.J. Watt Is Good At Everything

This week on BRO, we find J.J. on some kind of slickened surface pushing what appears to be a remote control around with a disfigured garden tool.

Sources tell BROthat this activity is known colloquially among Wisconsinites as push-puck or ice stick invader men. We'll monitor this new hobby as necessary.

Next week on BRO: We catch up with Jared Crick and his continuing quest to finish his taxes. What role will Form 990-W play?

Battle Red Onion: Texans Sign New Kicker

Proudly Distributing Sensationalized Garbage Since 2010. In this week's edition, the Texans find an answer to their pesky kicking and secondary problems.

B.R.O.: Texans Coach Receives Surprise Gift

Not 24 hours after three Texans were waived for hilarious shenanigans does a Texans coach fall prey to the same problem. Find out more here.

Battle Red Onion: Fans Demand To Be Traded

So often we'll hear about players demanding to be traded to a contending team. But never have fans had the same demand made of their team's general manager.

B.R.O.: Kubiak Storms Out Of Press Conference

Just when you thought things couldn't get any worse for the Texans head coach, he has to put up with the media. And the media seems to have him figured out as well.

Battle Red Onion: Schaub Diagnosed With Illness

Things seem to only be getting worse for Matt Schaub. But his troubles may be part of a bigger concern.

Scenes From A Draft, Round Three

A brief and pretty much fictitious view of how things operate during the NFL draft.

Battle Red Onion: Watt Pre-Fined for MNF Game

Watt Fined for Illegal Future Hit on Tom Brady.

Battle Red Onion

All the Speculation and Spurious Facts of Traditional Media But With Half the Calories!

Battle Red Onion takes on the replacement refs.

Ever wondered what goes on when the replacement refs get together? Battle Red Onion has the answers.

Battle Red Onion: Blaine Gabbert Committed To Local Asylum, J.J. Watt Blamed

J.J. Watt is a very good defensive end. How good? Very few ends are capable of sending opposing quarterbacks to mental institutions after they've faced them; which is unfortunately what happened to Blaine Gabbert in this week's Battle Red Onion.

Battle Red Onion: Disgruntled Fans Arrested After Rioting On Kubiak's Lawn

Fans start rioting on Coach Gary Kubiak's front lawn after a decisive win against the Miami Dolphins. Battle Red Onion has the exclusive on this amazing and completely made up event.

Scenes From A Draft, Round II: A Battle Red Onion Special Presentation

Here's what will happen behind the scenes of the NFL draft. Some of it may be true, most of it is not. We leave it for you to figure out which is which. Enjoy!

Battle Red Onion: 2012 NFL Free Agency Roundup

Mario Williams signed with Buffalo, but now we really know why. Also did you hear that Peyton Manning signed with someone finally?

Battle Red Onion: Texans Fans, Bloggers, Plot Revenge Against Football Gods for Injuries

In this week's Battle Red Onion, the Texans local bloggers take their pitchforks and plan their revenge against the god of injuries. Vengeance will be ours!

Battle Red Onion: Texans Make Unconventional Hire to Fill Depleted Quarterback Corps

The Texans aren't known for making a splash in free agency. This year changed that with Johnathan Joseph and Danieal Manning. Now the Texans make another controversial signing to save their rapidly thinning quarterback corps.

Battle Red Onion: Texans Bloggers Listed As Probable For Posting This Week

The Texans aren't the only ones contending with injuries. This week, even their bloggers are fighting the dreaded "injury bug."

Battle Red Onion: Texans Wide Receiver Haunted By Mysterious Specter

Ordinarily Reliant Stadium doesn't have much of a ghost infestation problem. But this week, phantoms abound at the ol' gridiron.

Battle Red Onion: NFL Suspends Officiating Crew for "Tripping On The Job"

In this week's Battle Red Onion, we learn about an insidious problem within the ranks of the league's officials. It also explains how Super Bowl XL was really won.

Battle Red Onion: Shaun Cody To Undergo Risky Surgery

Can you be an effective football player and lazy at the same time? Shaun Cody hopes surgery holds the key to this mystery!

Battle Red Onion: Trauma Counselors On Hand at Reliant Stadium For Unexpected Reason

Colts get stomped on by the Texans defense. After the game, they're visited by a group of trauma counselors.