MY NAME IS KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIID ROCK!
It’s Turkey Day. That means it’s Detroit Lions football in the morning. Before the bird has been roasted, the taters have been smashed, the whiskey has been turned loose, the casseroles have slid into your DMs, and pants have been unbuttoned. After decades of misery, sadness, and torturous defeat, there’s no way anyone in Detroit still likes Thanksgiving anymore.
This year, the Texans get to play the murderer who slays the Lions. It’s Deshaun Watson carrying the entire team. It’s the league’s worst run game against one of the worst defenses in the league, even after Detroit spent the offseason getting ‘bigger’ up front so they could be a physical football team...whatever that means. It’s Matthew Stafford’s faulty thumb, with no one to throw to because Kenny Golladay is out. There’s going to be way too much Adrian Peterson whether DeAndre Swift suits up or not. Matt Patricia will wear a parachute on the sideline. And although Trey Flowers and Romeo Okwara, who is having a breakout season, are really good at rushing the passer, Detroit’s pass defense as a whole is something the rocket scientist that masquerades as the Lions’ head coach has been unable to figure out.
Today we’ll be ignoring loved ones to watch our favorite football team for three hours. Afterwards, we’ll be thankful for those loved ones putting up with us and this thing that we love, just like we are thankful for the emergency room nurses and doctors, grocery store workers, retail employees, frothing shoppers, truck drivers, and every second of every day. Because every second of every day is beautiful, wonderful, and perfect.
The first game thread for Texans-Lions will publish at 11:15 a.m. CST. Until then, here’s your place of residence to live until kickoff. Enjoy today’s game, everyone.
Most of all, I’m thankful for you, loyal reader(s) and listener(s).