Houston Sports Ministry of Information’s Week Two Preview - Tennessee Titans

Rise for People’s Hymn of the Houston Texans:

COMRADES! You must forgive as English not strong as friend and likely cousin UprootedTexan. Please read words with thick Russian accent; otherwise entire exercise is fruitless! Great and strong UprootedTexan asked yours truly (DiehardChris) to distribute material for upcoming Houston Texans contest in his absence. Cousin UT is brilliant and gracious man with many goats and low center of gravity!

After strategic issuance of stern warning to Patriots to create false sense of confidence, triumphant Houston Texans travel to American Hinterlands to face Titans of Tennessee. Tennessee only place in America I visit which makes me forlorn for days I spent on frozen cheese farm in Siberia.

While Houston Texans represented by Bull; symbol of strength and integrity, Hinterlands people proudly represented by Upright Raccoon Person, symbolic of poor decision-making and Sudafed-based economy.

Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

Treacherous coach of Titans Mike Vrabel spent many years colluding plotting for upcoming contest. Many years subverting Comrades Crennel, O’Brien, Watt, Watson, and Hopkins, all leading up to home stadium debut in front of Banjo Clown People in Support of Upright Raccoon Person. Peace and football-loving fans of Houston Texans doubt Vrabel has ability to apply knowledge learned under Comrade Bill O’Brien. Comrade O’Brien has controversial but innovative strategy in place to confuse Vrabel into not knowing Comrade O’Brien’s job duties. Texans news media plays along brilliantly at direction of Comrade Gaine as O’Brien makes ludicrous comment about what is and what is not job. Brilliant misdirection! Glory to intelligence and cunning of Houston brain trust!

Back to subject of game Sunday. Texans match up well with feeble Hill People. DeAndre Hopkins will dazzle with amazing hands and strange fashion choices never seen in Motherland! Deshaun Watson make quick decisions, process information quickly, throw ball within 10 yards of receiver, have high energy, and will appear prepared for contest! Large collection of offensive line people build impenetrable wall around Comrade Watson and force Hill People football team to pay for it!

On defense, J.J. Watt already in prime form after allowing NFL nearly two-year rest from unrelenting reign of terror! Ferocious Honey Badger ready to feast on flesh and tears of Tennessee Titan fans! Honey Badger always victorious over dim and unsanitary raccoon!

Glorious and brave Houston Texans will gather and organize to destroy feeble resistance from Tennessee Traitors. Similar to Russian and Cuban forces joining forces to destroy spineless dirt-farming Wolverines as detailed in 1984 documentary Red Dawn. However at end of game Sunday, Comrade O’Brien will not allow remaining bedraggled Wolverines to pass safely. Comrade O’Brien and mighty Houston Texans will be scraping bits of Traitor faces out of cleats for many weeks to come.

THANK YOU AGAIN TO COUSIN FOR ALLOWING ENJOYABLE GUEST ENTRY. GLORY TO MOTHER HOUSTON AND ALL HER PEACE AND FOOTBALL-LOVING FANS!

Чтобы столы ломались от изобилия, а кровати от любви!