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Houston Sports Ministry of Information’s Week Three Preview - New York Giants

The following statement has been approved by the Houston Sports Ministry of Information for instruction and enlightenment of the people of Houston.

We are at war with the Giants. We have always been at war with the Giants.

Rise for People’s Anthem of Houston Texans:

Comrades! Incorruptible voice of people’s football team of Texas has returned after highly successful goodwill tour of allies in Eastern Europe, whose love of Houston Texans is only surpassed by loyal fans and players of our beloved city!

Is heartening to see people have rallied behind our great leader, Comrade Marshal O’Brien, with team now fully united under his unerring and unending leadership. For good reason, too. Is feat rarely seen in football to have coaching staff that provides such excessive consistency on yearly basis, especially from coaching staff that has been beset by saboteurs like traitorous general manager [REDACTED], whose name will be ignored by history and forgotten by lunchtime Friday.

Of 32 teams who play in league, 30 teams would be overjoyed to show same kind of disciplined commitment to consistency that Comrade Marshal O’Brien, whose steely gaze strikes fear in enemies and more than few children, has instilled in football-loving fans and players of Houston Texans. Only one team would be backwards enough to not admire this glorious trait: fraudulently named New York Giants.

Why would such lowly team as Giants fly in face of such breathtaking consistency? Imperialist decadence that comes from living in one of most reviled places on earth outside of Nashville? Is hubris, same hubris that would have world believe that New York does barbecue better than Mother Houston, which is responsible for clearly delusional mindset? Far worse, comrades. Is simple laziness on their part.

After all, what else but laziness could explain fact that very name was ripoff of own baseball team? How can any group look at fresh new team, which Giants were long ago in pre-Texans Dark Age of Football, and when deciding on new team name say “Eh, Giants sounds good for football too.” Laziness, comrades, bane of excellence and consistency, which our Texans are obsessively driven towards. It shows tremendous level of indifference that would be unthinkable to average, stalwart Texans fan. Would also explain why they continue to split tenancy in stadium in New Jersey, like shiftless thirty year old who cannot be bothered to move out of parents’ (i.e., Jets) house.

Enough about indolence of underwhelming team. Let us now move onto quarterback and part-time Forrest Gump cosplayer, Eli Manning. Has been some talk among disreputable non-Ministry affiliated, sports news outlets that Manning, referred to as “Diet Peyton” in halls of Ministry, could stand chance of putting up yardage against Texans because, they claim, of porousness of secondary, whose defensive prowess has been known to cause fans to experience spontaneous pregnancies (and not just women either). Ridiculous assertion could not be further from truth. Mighty secondary is simply not afraid of Diet Peyton and is so unfazed by him that they don’t even view him as threat. If he manages to connect with Odell Beckham Jr. at some point for one-handed catch (a skill picked up thanks to infinite patience of DeAndre Hopkins), it will serve as means to give Diet Peyton false sense of security. While he thinks he has time to throw, malicious front seven will pop him open like soda bottle and consume him, leaving nothing left of four-and-a-half head quarterback.

Pass rush should have little issue with Giants’ offensive line, especially considering they have lost starting center for season already with broken ankle. To this point, Giants’ offensive line has given up eight sacks, six of which came against Dallas, whose pass rush consists mostly of children and couple of incontinent polar bears. If that group of misfits can cause that much havoc, imagine how many sacks and disruptions finest pass rush in football will be able to muster.

Giants’ defense could also be short-handed, which will only make inevitable loss to glorious Texans that much worse. As of writing, Giants cornerback Apple and star defensive lineman Olivier Vernon hadn’t been to practice this week. Combine this with te traitor Connor Barwin’s nonappearance at practice (though this could just be cowardice, being unable to face team that gave him everything, which he promptly threw away), and it could be recipe for Texans to score not just usual 40 points but up total to 60 points. Victory for Texans on Sunday would put them at 3-0 on year, which would match best start to season they’ve had since last year, when they did not lose single game on way to Super Bowl.

Football-loving fans and players of Houston Texans will toy with Giants of New York Jersey the way a cat toys with brain-damaged bird that keeps running into mirror.

Comrade Marshal O’Brien, lead us on to inevitable victory of the Texans! All glory to Mother Houston!