Rise for People’s Anthem of Houston Texans.
Comrades! Football loving fans and players of the Houston Texans scored decisive victory against those who said they did not stand chance against hopelessly overrated Giants of New York. At no point during Sunday’s game were Texans outmatched in talent level or willingness to put everything on line for team. Because we must remember, comrades, we must put team first above all else, even own happiness. Is for greater good of Mother Houston.
But this is no time to dwell on past. We now look toward bright future for our glorious team and next victory against meek baby horses of Indianapolis. Spirit of bull, which is embodied by our great leader Comrade Marshal O’Brien and his massive brain, is more than match for childish animals from Midwest. This battle, unlike previous match-ups with these hopeless frauds, takes on whole new dimension. In hideous jealousy of our unprecedented successes in spreading football revolution throughout league, baby horse leadership, who most likely fell off wagon again and onto enormous pile of powdered Xanax, have done unthinkable. They have succumbed to vile forces of new fascist regime, led by long-time enemy of people of Houston, Frank Reich.
Peace and football loving fans and players of Houston Texans must never tolerate fascist Reich and his despicable minions! We must sacrifice all that we hold dear in order to thwart Reich, so that baby horses—no, fascist baby horses of Indianapolis—do not impose tyrannical will upon Motherland!
Extremely credible Ministry sources indicate that fascist Reich lied to drug zombies that litter front office of baby horses, claiming he could revive Andrew Luck, who had been considered dead for three years and make quarterback out of him. Further reports indicate that fascist Reich, which our glorious Texans will smash into thousand pieces, by developing Luck as humanzee, part of project undertaken by mad coach Pagano prior to vaporization. Luck, now living and growing hair at alarming rate, has returned under center but humanzee nature has interfered with ability to quarterback, as evidenced by fact that he only throws dinks and dunks down field; he is incapable of throwing long, accurate downfield ball. Whether this inability is because he fears arm falling off or because he does not want to anger primitive chimpanzee god he now worships is unclear.
Should be stated with no small amount of pride that our Texans, envy of all football, do not need to resort to Dr. Moreau-esque monstrosities to develop quarterback. Our field commander, Comrade Watson, is better than all but few of all-time great quarterbacks, who he is exactly even with. Sunday will be first time these mules will have honor of being soundly thrashed to within an inch of lives by Watson.
Mediocre passing game operated by hairy ape-creature who is affront to man and nature will be buttressed by mediocre-at-best running game, which is par for course for baby horses. Baby horse running game is led by someone called Jordan Wilkins, rookie from Mississippi who apparently prefers to play for teams in backwards states, and bunch of players whose names are unworthy of being remembered by Ministry and will not be added for that reason. Is lamentable that baby horses have been unable to retain marquee running back since halcyon days of watching the baby horses’ all time best running back, Trent Richardson plodding for several yards at time. Judging by stat line from last week’s game, might be best for them to see if could lure Richardson out of whatever Sizzler he currently resides in to assist them.
As for baby horse defense, they appear to be utterly mediocre by all standards sanctioned by People’s Ministry of Statistical Analysis, wholly owned subsidiary of Ministry of Information. They hover, like bloated ghost between 16th and 18th on all defensive statistical categories. Should prove no match to Texans’ overwhelming offense. Or would if our dear leader, whose brain folds could hide small children, were not benevolent leader. His plan to run middling offensive scheme with Lamar Miller going up middle for small gains and not letting field commander Watson use his strengths to fullest will ensure that baby horses get fair shot at winning; at least until strength of people overwhelms baby horses and ensures yet another easy victory.
Texans, strength of people, lead us on to glorious victory for Motherland!