Rise for People’s Anthem of Houston Texans:
Comrades! After minimal effort and aerial supremacy of glorious Texans’ offense, People’s football team of Texas has sent Falcons of Atlanta to endangered species list where they belong! In long, illustrious, and incredibly informative history of Ministry of Information, there can be no doubt that Texans offense is greatest offense in football. To that end, Texans wide receiver Will Fuller, whose braids are testament to unified strength of Texans fans and players, has been given by Houston Sportburo prestigious Order of Aerial Glory, in honor of his 217 yards and three touchdowns scored in service of Motherland.
Falcons never stood chance against full-bodied and highly nutritious might of Texans defense, so much so that even Falcons’ offense, when given opportunity to try and claw back what little dignity they had, failed to do so! Let us be done with Falcons and complete sweep against Tampa Bay Buccaneers later this season (as we have not lost to single NFC South team this season)!
No longer should we trouble ourselves with mangy scavengers from city that even South Carolina turned nose up at. We, football loving fans and players of Houston Texans, must now turn attention to Kansas City Chiefs.
Traditional, decadent media outlets would have you believe that Chiefs, team which clearly has no understanding of how hierarchy works, are potential Super Bowl team and Texans are merely bump in road for pretenders. Nothing could be further from truth, comrades. Is another baldfaced lie which four lettered networks try to get you to swallow with zeal. You must fight this impulse always!
Is nothing special about Kansas City. Is city built on derivative. Their vile chant, mocking heritage of noble natives, is stolen from Florida State. City boasts of fountains but fountains were built elsewhere long before Kansas City was ill-conceived. Barbecue is derivative of lesser, non-Texan barbecue. In Kansas City, anything can be considered barbecue if you pour enough of sugar liquid on it. Literally anything—ribs, salmon, mayonnaise, drywall, dust from Chiefs’ last Lombardi Trophy...all are “delicacies” of Midwestern hamlet.
Even team itself is just poorly designed copy of Texans. They have attempted to copy secret of Texans’ victory by poaching players deemed instrumental to success of People’s Football Team of Texas. Specifically, Chiefs “stole” Tyrann Mathieu away during single greatest offseason in history of team. According to sources within Ministry of Information, Mathieu was sought out for “his” “leadership” “quali”ties. Statement gave us all hearty chuckle at Ministry, and it should give you one as well. Calling Mathieu leader of Texans is like calling Ryan Mallett insomniac or Brock Osweiler Houston Texan; these things simply aren’t reality and neither is Mathieu as leader. Truth, as always told to you by Ministry, is that Texans cast Mathieu out as nuisance whose selfishness risked overall cohesion of team. Comrade Marshal O’Brien, architect of our triumph, felt was in best interest of team to exile him from loving heart of Mother Houston.
What is truly stunning is arrogance surrounding Chiefs, fed no doubt by fatuous oafs that strive daily to diminish greatness of glorious Houston Texans (may they win 10,000 Super Bowls). Start with their offensive line. Coaches for Chiefs have decided to withhold linemen Eric Fisher and Andrew Wylie from game on Sunday, because, according to Chiefs head coach and potential aquatic mammal Andy Reid, “We won’t need them.”
What bucket-obsessed quarterback fails to recognize is dominant and malevolent strength of Texans’ defensive line. Onslaught of J.J. Watt, D.J. Reader, and Whitney Mercilus will be more than Chiefs can hope to handle. Even with addition of fossilized Raider Stefen Wisniewski cannot hope to save precious quarterback Patrick Mahomes.
Speaking of Mahomes, would appear he claimed to be injured while playing against Colts on Sunday night game. Ministry of Information, from whom all facts are thoroughly verified for ripeness, has learned that so-called injury of Mahomes is attempt at chicanery. Precious ankle is perfectly healthy. Mahomes claims ankle is injured because deep down he knows how underwhelming his abilities truly are. Dupposed “injury” is poorly-conceived feint intended to make whatever performance he achieves on Sunday appear impressive compared to Hero of Texans Offense Deshaun Watson. In heart of hearts, which Ministry is all too familiar with, Mahomes is pathologically jealous of Deshaun Watson and wishes he could be as talented as Texans’ quarterback. If not so pathetic, would be tragic. After all, what has Mahomes accomplished that Watson has not? Watson is champion. Mahomes has never achieved that. Only thing Mahomes could possibly have over Watson is appearance in sad State Farm commercial, derivative of original gag featuring Aaron Rodgers.
Is also outrage of images of valiant Texans offensive line being pasted onto garbage cans at Chiefs’ training facility. Unbridled arrogance of this team knows no bounds! They think of us as little more than wretched refuse! This slight should infuriate every man, woman, and duck who consider themselves loyal to one true team, our beloved Texans!
Football-loving fans and players of Houston Texans should never think that Chiefs are beyond our ability, as these are mere lies. After all, this is team that lost in convincing fashion to Colts on Sunday night. Colts, as we know, are team that has decided, for reasons all their own, to play entire season without actual quarterback. Can you imagine how humiliating it must be to lose to team that only featured 10 players on offense and STILL couldn’t beat like drum?
This, comrades, is why we shall march into Kansas City, bypass wretched barbecue and fountains (and roads, which we guess they are proud of or something...Ministry neither knows nor cares about this) and demolish enemies of Texans and revolutionary football principles!
GLORY TO MOTHER HOUSTON!
GLORY TO PEOPLE’S FOOTBALL TEAM OF TEXAS!
TO VICTORY WE RIGHTLY DESERVE, WE MARCH ON!!!