Rise for People’s Anthem of Houston Texans:
Comrades! Ministry of Information is proud to report our mighty Texans, most dominant force in all of football and permanent leader of AFC South, were able to hold Carolina Panthers to barest minimum of points scored. With valiant efforts like Texans put up on Sunday we, children of people’s football revolution, should beam with pride at their heroic efforts!
Despite this, has come to attention of your beloved Ministry of Information, who cares deeply for you and would send you roses and chocolates if we could be bothered to look up your address, that some among people are displeased with effort shown by our glorious Texans. While is unfortunate to hear any negative feelings toward only football team that matters, and these people will be quietly purged over next several days for their wrongthoughtfulness, Ministry feels these ingrates should have their concerns addressed before they are dragged off in middle of night to [REDACTED] where they will be [NO SERIOUSLY, YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW].
Many of these future non-people are upset that Texans did not score more points in Sunday’s game against woefully inept, and severely depleted, Panthers defense. Is very simple explanation for this. Our Great Leader, who faces adversity from without and within with quiet tranquility, has simple philosophy when it comes to points. Points come from each player according to ability and are distributed to team according to needs. Over course of 16 games, and Texans’ customary three playoff games, those points need to be carefully managed and distributed and curated. For Panthers game, Presidium of the Houston Texans, who manages all things football on behalf of people of Mother Houston, determined that 10 points would be more than sufficient to deal with Panthers. And, as always, they were correct in estimation.
Besides, to score too many points is vulgar display of awesome power under control of People’s Football Team of Texas. Is far better to use juggernaut offensive prowess as implicit threat against those that would stand against us!
There has also been concern about how our supreme leader, Comrade Marshal O’Brien, the chin of the people, did not change his scheme against Carolina’s secondary when Deshaun Watson and the offense was perceived to be struggling against it. We, at the Ministry of Information, wholly reject the idea that the Texans struggled at any point in this game, but for the sake of these malcontents, we shall humor them before they are [REDACTED]. The simplest answer is always the correct one: we must never correct scheme against a lesser opponent, which is everybody.
If our Texans go onto field with carefully prepared and not at all slapdash offensive scheme and it struggles against defensive scheme, is not failure of offensive scheme that is problem. Problem is offensive scheme is not being utilized to maximum. Is imperative that we never adjust to defense. If Texans adjust, gives opponent sense that they control our actions and game. We adjust to get some cheap points, then they manipulate their scheme again, making Texans play their game instead of making them play ours! No! We shall enforce our will on them and show vast superiority of various schemes by forcing them to adjust to us! We must bury all adversaries by showing correct way to football. To do otherwise is worst sort of weakness and People’s Football Team of Texas is anything but weak!
Before moving on to next week, is one last thing Ministry wishes to address. DeAndre Hopkins’ pass was first, and highly successful, test of new alternative weapons program that has been in works by great and most learned leader Comrade Marshal O’brien. This test, known as Operation DA H-Bomb, was proof of concept that Texans wide receivers were capable of launching long-range passes down field to friendly targets. Final result of Operation DA H-Bomb was immaterial compared to knowledge that not only is possible to use receivers as passing threat, it will now be essential to keep ahead of lesser teams like Chiefs and poor copy of our unstoppable offense.
With this knowledge, our Supreme Leader, and assistance of newly formed Committee to Recalibrate Athletic Performance, Texans will go back to videotape, recalibrate these potentially devastating weapons, and test again at yet-to-be determined date this season. Once these new alternative weapons have been perfected, they shall take aim at every unprepared defense, every hapless scheme, every weak defensive link until every NFL record has Texans logo next to it. And league will stare with wondrous awe at offense built by people of Mother Houston, led by greatest coach to ever don whistle, Comrade Marshal O’Brien.
We will speak no more of game against Carolina. Purges of those unhappy with Texans’ unmitigated success shall commence. Is time to look forward, as all right-thinking Texans fans do, to next opponent, Atlanta Falcons. This game was supposed to take place in Atlanta except for fact that most of players of Atlanta begged Houston Sportburo to change venue, and our leaders, ever magnanimous to lesser teams, granted fervent requests.
Is little redemptive about Atlanta, but what do you expect from city where only noteworthy building is place where people gather to leave city? Football stadium is little more than Rectum of Hell that houses Chick-Fil-A that is never open on NFL days. Even their music, hip-hop, pales compared to smooth sounds coming from Mother Houston.
Here is list of world-class talented artists produced by Motherland:
Here is list of noteworthy Atlanta hip-hop artists:
Is simply no comparison, no chance for second-class southern city like Atlanta to compete with city as cultured as ours!
As for game itself, is little to be concerned about. Is some minor belief among those who have not studied literal minutes of football tape that Falcons have stout defensive front that could cause trouble for people’s offensive line, which is now starting to take form and gelatinize like extremely successful horse remains. Ministry is happy to report Texans have extremely cunning plan to thwart perceived (false!) defensive line superiority. Comrade Marshal O’Brien has consistently shuffled offensive line players on theory that no one man is too special or too important to play any other spot on offensive line. And shuffling has led to results along line and led to confusion in hearts and minds of defensive players. Those expecting to face Tytus Howard yet are suddenly faced with Greg Mancz know they are in for difficult day, especially if Great Leader decides to shuffle again mid-game, which would be last thing players would expect!
Should not be concern, though, as Committee to Recalibrate Athletic Performance will have alternate weapons program fully ready to test again to lead our team to inevitable victory! After all, so-called defense gave up 24 points to hopeless Traitors’ offense. We at Ministry of Information are happy to note that while Falcons’ defense was easily broken by Traitors, Texans have yet to give up single point to them. In fact, would be difficult to identify time when Texans have ever given up points to Traitors, despite lies told by decadent sports media outlets.
On offense, Falcons have quarterback Matt Ryan who, despite reliable anonymous reports, has denied being large semi-sentient blob of oatmeal. While denials have been made multiple times, Ryan has failed on every occasion to prove non-oatmeal status. While Falcons may have one of alleged best passing offenses in league, owing mostly to Ryan throwing passes to off-brand version of DeAndre Hopkins, this passing has not led to points. Will be easy for Texans’ secondary, which has yet to be bested by anybody this season, to curtail passing game. As for Falcons’ running game, is nothing to say about it because would have to exist first in order to talk about.
In short, comrades, we shall march onto field, demolish Falcons by 40 points, and send them back to Devil’s Rectum where they belong!
GLORY TO MOTHER HOUSTON!