clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Bye Week Interview With The Houston Sports Minister of Information

Learn how to be truly loyal Texans fan by listening to answers from Minister of Information in rare interview appearance.


Comrades! Is Friday and our victory over dreadful Team Nobody, and by that I do not mean Cincinnati Bengals, is assured. Since game will not even need to be played, and there are literally no other games worth bothering about, Ministry of Information, in all sage wisdom, felt now was good time for questions from football loving fans and players of Houston Texans.

All questions asked of Minister have been carefully harvested in sustainable manner from real Houston sports fans who want to learn more about team, how to be great fan of people, and how to think correctly as Texans fan.

You read now!

1. Please explain to good and loving Houston football fans why Dear Leader O’Brien continue to change offensive scheme on week to week basis despite clear path to success of “Allow Deshaun To Do This” offense. For example, Texans have great success in communist outpost Los Angeles against Chargers but then return home to NRG Stadium to put up appearance of shame against Carolina team that has no business winning in impenetrable home fortress!

Is excellent question, comrade Texans fan. Is also question with deceptively simple answer: is strategically unsound to show great offensive production on consistent basis. This serves not one but two (TWO!) purposes.

First of all, imagine yourself as defensive coach/player for lesser team, like fraudulent “patriots” of lesser England. Is unpleasant thought but for is important. If you see Texans offense putting up monster numbers and let Deshaun Watson do everything he wants to do to opposing defenses, you are going to do everything in your power to stop him, correct?

You would fail, obviously, because nothing stops Deshaun Watson except Deshaun Watson. You would do so because you know if not, team will lose spectacularly. But suppose Texans looked inconsistent, or worse, struggled? Would you put all into stopping offense that doesn’t need to be stopped? No! You would take plays off, relax, eat some scones, and read the paper with light Vivaldi playing in background. This softens up opposing defenses with something Houston Sportburo has called “soft bigotry of low expectations.” We use to then annihilate defensive schemes with clever offensive tactics that have never been conceived of except by Dear Leader Comrade Marshal O’Brien. May he coach the Texans for 10,000 years!

You, comrade, saw Texans “losing” to Carolina on home field. What you really witnessed was long game of softening stronger, more worthwhile opponents who want to take break off during plays, and then we destroy them for arrogance.

Other reason for inconsistency is to retain fan attention. If you come to Texans game and you get nothing but high flying antics from high scoring offense, gets tiresome over time and people begin to tune out. But if you save best offensive performances and spread them out over time, people won’t know when to expect good offense. That way when they get, are pleasantly surprised and more grateful fans. When they don’t, will end up pining for it, driving up greater degrees of gratitude to Texans’ offense. Truly, Texans think only of fan experience.

2. Comrade Keke Coutee has questionable name of female child yet has proven effective in past. Now Comrade Coutee is behind Steven Mitchell and DeAndre Carter, who are both one poor game away from working in Siberian mines. Why has Comrade Coutee been absent during important contests? What does future hold for man with heart of lion but stature of Chernobyl villager?

He knows why. And despite reports to contrary, has nothing to do with Coutee using Comrade Marshal O’Brien’s prize Pomeranian, Olive, to run route trees, and then returning her home so she can vomit all over Marshal’s exotic Persian rugs. Instead, Comrade Coutee has agreed to put team first by allowing other receivers to get experience ahead of him. Coutee knows position is safe, despite harmful, biased reporting to contrary.

Is like in RPGs, when you want to build strong team, you must allow all players to get experience in field. Is what Coutee is sacrificing field time for, so that other receivers in corps can build up levels and increase stats. That way, when they come into contact with other teams’ corners, they will be at distinct advantage. Once that happens, Coutee will be sprung from alleged “dog house” he is in, and no secondary in league could possibly stand in way!

3. Texans’ defense had GLORIOUS victory over Jaguars of Jacksonville under eye of Colonialist English madman regime. Due to failing economy and lack of support in Florida wasteland, Jaguars are under consideration for mercy, but Comrade Watson took none. Texans’ injury-riddled defensive backs perform with such valor against dangerous headbanded, mustached Hill Person. Many say this success on defense not sustainable against other quarterbacks. Explain to uneducated masses why Comrade Crennel’s defense better equipped than ever to stifle all who would threaten Houston Texans!

People’s Football Team of Texas does not need defense to win games. What Texans do have, however, aside from ascendant cornerback in Gareon Conley, is ability to strike fear in hearts of other teams with offense. Is unquestionable that Texans’ offense is simply perfect and that no better offense could ever be designed without stealing schemes from Great Leader. And is equally true that offense scores every time it takes field, without exception and anyone who says otherwise will be purged.

Therefore, again, imagine you’re opposing coach and you have to scheme something that might possibly stop offense. You obviously can’t. Best hope is to keep Texans’ offense off field. But suppose, if you are offensive coordinator, you face defense that isn’t interested in staying on field for very long. You might score, you might not, but then you allow Texans’ offense back onto field, and they will score, and score easily, on your defense. Would you want to keep that offense on the field? No! You would take your time, play less than ideal offensive football against defense that is not even trying to stop you. You might even try to put ball in hands of our secondary so as to avoid giving offense an attempt. Some teams are just that cowardly with possessions.

And then there’s statistical certainty that defense will at some point stop opponent’s offensive drive, even by accident (that’s just how good they are!), and that just allows glorious Texans to open flood gates.

So in truth is not so much how much better equipped our defense is against opponents, is more that opposing teams do not want to risk our glorious defense to get off field. Because that way lies danger for them.

4. Comrade Watt once again has felt call of philanthropy over football. Many cowards suggest time with Texans should be at end. This obviously grounds for prison camp, but as act of mercy, please explain complex reasoning behind Watt and late-career endeavors.

Is no room for thoughttraitors like these within loving grasp of Mother Houston. Sooner they are sent to BBQulag, where they will be forced to make barbecue that they will never be allowed to eat themselves, better. But before they go, they deserve to know answer to question. As for Watt, was felt by Houston Sportburo that he would be best served to spread football revolution sparked by people of Houston far and wide by being face of glorious uprising.

After weeks of calculations among people’s statistical unit for football operations, was determined that Watt was simply too talented for kind of defense that Vice Marshal Crennel wanted to put onto field, one that would showcase People’s Offense by keeping defense on field little as possible. Watt kept team on field extra minute longer than without him. In game of inches and seconds, was felt that Watt’s skills would be better served as envoy of Motherland.

5. With Watt out, many suggest Comrade O’Brien should not have allowed treacherous Jadeveon Clowney to force way to Seattle. Texans received Jacob Martin and yet-to-be unleashed Barkevious Mingo in return. Mingo obviously poised for second half MVP performance and Martin repeatedly already terrorizing quarterbacks. No need for Clown Traitor, but many cowards suggest need for unique skill set, quickness, run-stopping ability, repeated tackles for loss, quarterback pressures, requirement of double and triple teams, forcing of teams to game-plan against him, ability to run sideline-to-sideline, and ability to chase players downfield as some kind of necessity over existing plan to manufacture pass rush. This obviously should not need explanation, but please tell confused and well-meaning fans why Texans do not need and never needed traitor.

Let me be perfectly clear here. Is not, has never been, and never will be player by name of Jadeveon Clowney on this roster. Belief by many among football loving fans and players of Houston Texans that he ever was is wrongthoughtful and should be dismissed as thoughtcrime. As of moment, he does not exist within greater sphere of Houston Texans and Houston Sportburo condemns lies of his existence. He is [UNPERSON]. His name will never be spoken by true, loyal fans of Texans. Attempts at gaslighting by disreputable elements of NFL should be spurned as odious lies and names of those telling lies should be given to Ministry of Very Sharp Things That Are Extremely Unpleasant for further review. In short, Jadeveon Clowney does not exist.

What people have seen over last several seasons is triumphant efforts of Barkevious Mingo getting to and terrorizing quarterbacks for people of Houston. Is far beyond time for Mingo to get credit he deserves instead of foul traitor [UNPERSON]. Mingo puts in effort to be one of best pass rushers in NFL today. He will always put team first, unlike certain other players who have never existed, and he is, first and foremost, one of Comrade Marshal O’Brien’s guys. Players like that cannot be acquired simply by trading players willy-nilly.

Glory to Barkevious Mingo, and that is name-o. Let it roll off tongues of all patriotic Texans, for he will lead defense to heights never before experienced by team!

Ministry of Information is grateful to all those who submitted questions. For anyone else who would like to have questions answered by the Minister of Information personally, please check out e-mail address below.


*(Thanks and glory to Diehard Chris for coming up with great questions to answer.)