Rise for glorious anthem of people’s football team, Houston Texans:
Comrades! Ministry of Information is thrilled to report that people’s football team of Texas, who battlefight for all Texans whether they deserve it or not, delivered total, devastating victory against Jacksonville Jaguars, team which Ministry can report actually does exist. You may hear from certain disloyal elements within beating heart of Motherland, that game was far closer than it had any business being and Texans came within inch of losing on two point conversion. While it may appear that way on surface, truth is much more nuanced, far more nuanced than ordinary eyes can hope to see.
What you might have seen was Texans coming inch away from first defeat this decade (Ministry cannot confirm whether Texans lost any games last decade, but we are doubtful any losses happened). What really happened was carefully orchestrated plot by Dear Leader, who can foresee all potential endings to game and skillfully divert them to his will, to create maximum tension and excitement for true diehard fans of Mother Houston’s football team. What looked to be near failure was, in truth, plan executed to imperceptible perfection. Not only did football-loving fans and players of Mother Houston get money’s worth for football entertainment, as they always do, but Comrade Marshal O’Brien was able to maximize efficiency fan enthusiasm! Such brilliance cannot be found in other, less talented, less chinsome coaches!
Not only was it superlative plan of supreme cunning, but psychological effects of such defeat can be felt throughout Jaguars organization. Mere days after game ended, Jalen Ramsey, whose talent as defensive back is inversely proportional to his proximity to Jaguars’ jerseys, has demanded trade away from wretched franchise. His exact words, according to highly placed ministerial sources, were, “Get me outta Jacksonville, this [alleged] place sucks. I’m getting tired of being embarrassed on the field by my friend DeAndre Hopkins twice a year and I profoundly believe in the Ju-chin principles of [Dear Leader] O’Brien. Send me to Houston, now.” Cowards in Jacksonville have not granted Ramsey’s wishes yet. If there is anything Texans stand for, is freedom. Freedom for players of inept teams to liberate themselves and join whatever team suits them, as long as team is Texans.
But focus should not linger on Jaguars any longer than already has. Other than Gardner Minshew’s mustache, which Texans will collect as trophy upon next meeting in November. Is time now to focus on next victim on glorious Texans schedule: San Diego Chargers.
Now, Comrades, you may be confused to why Ministry of Information, who has never printed falsehoods and would never lead you astray on matters involving only football team that matters, would refer to San Diego instead of current city of Charger residence. Reason is simple. Is longstanding tradition for passionate and true-hearted fans of Texans to show nothing but utter contempt for cities that have stolen teams from rightful locations, stemming from traitorous slime in Tennessee and loathsome villain Bud Adams conspiring to rip football, birthright of all loyal Houstonians, from Mother Houston. In solidarity with San Diego and all other violated fanbases, is official policy to recognize only previous seat of opposition teams. Treason, even if not against Texans and doesn’t expressly benefit them, should never be tolerated!
So let us break down he team owned by notorious failson Dean Spanos, who cares nothing for team or fans and only cares about maximizing profits by exploiting football fans of San Diego.
First, consider Philip Rivers, current quarterback for San Diego, who has more than twice as many children (9) as playoff wins (4). What can be said by Ministry of Information about Rivers that hasn’t already been said by ESPN, which usually cannot be trusted to say anything that isn’t Tom Brady related, when they claimed that “all Rivers does is show up”? Imagine how little ESPN must think of you when they claim best attribute is “you’re just so...there.” We at Ministry of Information are used to such blatant disrespect from fossil sports networks like ESPN toward only team that matters, so to see them do to another team is positively refreshing. Is also not accurate reflection of Rivers’ abilities as quarterback. We must not forget Rivers’ uncanny ability to cry at ultra-high frequency that can only be heard by referees and occasional mongoose, which inspires pity and turns referees against people’s football team of Texas...well, more than they already conspire against them. We should be grateful that our quarterback, unshaken and unbreakable, Hero of Texans Offense, Deshaun Watson, does not need to resort to petty whining and baseless crying to move ball downfield.
San Diego ground game is suspect at best. Melvin Gordon, Chargers’ running back, is allegedly holding out for better contract because stingy fool Spanos does not care about team, only lining his own pockets. However, there are claims filtering into Ministry of Information stating that Melvin Gordon is healthy and wants to play; however, Chargers management, including failson Spanos, live in mortal fear that valiant Texans’ run defense will be too much for Gordon to handle and will embarrass him by giving up negative rushing yards, causing Chargers fans in San Diego to question abilities to lead team. Instead, Chargers will run with player called Austin Ekeler, who has done nothing of significance to warrant further mention in this missive.
On defense, Chargers of San Diego, and not some other city that doesn’t deserve them and doesn’t acknowledge existence, are working through numerous injuries, particularly in secondary. Derwin James has broken foot. Adrian Phillips has broken arm. Cornerback Trevor Williams has quadriceps injury. Seems entirely too convenient for 3/4 of secondary to be out due to injury; is entirely possible and likely that they are all in Cabo on vacation and Chargers coaches and general managers cannot get them to return to field. These players put themselves and own selfishness ahead of needs of team, which you would never see from Houston Texans, as all those who play for Mother Houston have only team’s best interests in mind.
However, this also means opportunity for Deshaun Watson to pick at weaker-than-usual secondary with help from recently revamped Texans wide receiver corps. New flying circus should have little trouble running circles around hopelessly outclassed secondary!
There are also opportunities to exploit in ground game. As Chargers are 28th in run defense, could mean instead of just Carlos Hyde getting 200 yards rushing, both he and Duke Johnson could rush for 200 yards each. Is truly magnificent sight to see when running game is at full capacity.
Only possible area of concern, and is entirely minor, is pass rush. Chargers have pair of extremely overhyped and underwhelming pass rushers that may or may not be of concern to Texans fans. Most likely not pair to fear. Why? Because Steel Blue Curtain offensive line will show world that all accusations of poor offensive line play are entirely overexaggerated. Is only matter of time before offensive line truly gain cohesion, and then offense will be utterly unstoppable.
As it stands, Texans’ offense should have little issue pushing ball around on the San Diego, and not [REDACTED], Chargers. Victory against them will be total and devoid of mercy.
All glory to Mother Houston and her Texans!
LEAD US ON, COMRADE MARSHAL O’BRIEN, TO INEVITABLE TRIUMPH OF TEXANS!