clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Houston Sports Ministry of Information Week Four Preview - Carolina Panthers

New, comments

This is only source of news you need, now or forever. You read now and embrace voice of people’s football team of Texas!

WE ARE AT WAR WITH CAROLINA. WE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN AT WAR WITH CAROLINA.

Rise now for People’s Anthem of Houston Texans:

Comrades! We stand triumphant in face of overwhelming mediocrity! Hapless Chargers, who were stolen from San Diego, have been vanquished by force of will of people of Houston through mighty Texans! Has been reported via multiple sources, even though no decrepit legacy media outlets would dare to report it, that known crybaby and child producer Philip Rivers spent solid three hours demanding referees overturn numerous calls after game. These sources, who Ministry trusts implicitly and so should you, state that Rivers followed referees into Los Angeles Airport and attempted to board plane but was thwarted by security; most likely security guards were avid fans of people’s football team of Texas!

Make no mistake, completeness of our victory cannot be overlooked by those who turn their eyes to east, to decadence of east coast football teams, and inexplicably to team based out of Oklahoma with severe identity crisis. They will overlook football loving fans and players of Houston Texans no more! Instead, we, through strength of defense and perfect synchronicity of offense, will march through league and sweep every adversary off the field until league is in loving grip of Texans’ overwhelming, yet peaceful, football revolution.

Fear Texans strike into hearts of weak-willed players is obvious. You will notice, only just recently did Chargers running back and potato enthusiast Melvin Gordon end holdout and return to football for Chargers. Is curious, yet not surprising, that he would wait until AFTER juggernaut team crushed Chargers in every aspect of game, including Gatorade delivery.

But this is no time to rest on high pile of laurels Texans have obtained over last several weeks. Is time to push inherent advantage of our modest team. Texans begin this by returning to beloved motherland and awaiting toothless and declawed Carolina Panthers.

For illustrious team, band of rabble is of little concern; in truth all teams are of little concern to Texans, for what concern of lion is sheep? In this case, however, is more accurate than not. If team is only good as quarterback, then Panthers will be swatted away like house cat who insists on sitting on keyboard despite numerous threats of being purged. This is because starting quarterback Cam Newton, who is no stranger to laptops with dubious ownership rights, will not appear to take beating our fearsome and pleasant-smelling defense will throw at him. Instead Texans will have to be content with destroying career of undrafted quarterback Kyle Allen.

Be prepared, Comrades, as all you will likely hear about throughout this game is how Kyle Allen is alleged great quarterback, how Kyle Allen dominated lowly Arizona Cardinals with quarterback more Kyler than Kyle Allen, how Kyle Allen may have developed cure for Ebola virus. Do not be disheartened. He has played but one game all season: last week. All other offensive performance dates back to disinterested Saints team from last year.

More than that, Kyle Allen is former Hero of Offense for once and future football powerhouse University of Houston. Highly placed Ministry sources indicate that deal is in place for Allen to give less than supreme effort. He, like all children of Texans football revolution, knows where true loyalties lie.

Not that it will matter. Panthers’ offensive line has more holes than Cam Newton has had sulking fits. Perhaps due to obvious lack of talent, perhaps due to sheer hubris. Greg Little, tackle for Panthers, claims he looks forward to blocking unblockable, indomitable J.J. Watt. Should be viewed with equal parts laughter and scorn for Little, who will discover Sunday that he looks toward own destruction. Watt, when asked what he thought of Little’s comments, had this to say, according to unimpeachable Ministry reporters: “I must break him.”

Even if Carolina offense does, somehow, manage to score points, even a little, we, football loving fans and players of Houston Texans, should not be concerned, because our offense, pride and joy of Texas, will more than make up for any perceived shortcomings, though any alleged shortcoming is erroneous in thought and betrays disloyalty to team. Especially in passing game. DeAndre Hopkins, who makes all other receivers feel small and inadequate, especially in terms of wardrobe, is slated to go against corner who “the Carolina Panthers haven’t exactly made life easy for.” If this James Bradberry can’t even stifle mediocre receivers like Julio Jones and Michael Thomas, what possible chance can he have of stopping DeAndre Hopkins? Ministry of Information advises this Bradberry to simply save himself the trouble and flop on field like fish. Is more dignified than to get pantsed by vastly superior talent of Houston Texans.

To guess what Texans would score against Panthers under these circumstances would be vulgar and show blatant disregard for the opponents of only football team that matters. However, would not surprise Ministry of Information if Texans exceeded usual 60-70 points scored per game.

We shall see when Texans emerge victorious once more.

TO INEVITABLE VICTORY OF TEXANS, LEAD US ON!

GLORY TO MOTHER HOUSTON!