clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Houston Sports Ministry of Information Week One Preview - New Orleans Saints

The People’s Football Team of Texas is back. Read now the only reliable information source about them here. All other sources are lies.

We are at war with New Orleans. We have always been at war with New Orleans.

Rise for Anthem of People’s Football Team of Texas.

Comrades! After months spent wasting time contenting ourselves with tedious activities like playing video games, lighting things on fire, and hitting white toward fences with sticks, we have at long last reached point we’ve all been waiting for: return of one true sport, football, and only team worth supporting, our glorious Houston Texans!

While you, football-loving fans of the Texans, have been away on idle pursuits, Texans have been busy, extremely busy, rebuilding into dominant franchise that we have known them to be for all these many years. Whether it’s annual purging of disloyal elements from team, such as traitor Gaine who, according to Ministry sources, had at one time proposed his pet ostrich, Herman, be named assistant general manager with salary commensurate of position. With instability like that rampant throughout team, is no wonder that our brilliant, ever-humble, and ever-watchful leader, Comrade Marshal O’Brien, decided was in best interest of team to curtail redundancies within apparatus of People’s Football Team of Texas.

It was not decision he took lightly, comrades. Far from it. He struggled, some say for as much as half hour, to come to inescapable conclusion that only he could fix problems, meager as they are, facing Texans. We are most fortunate that our Dear Leader, whose gleaming pate reflects brightest of futures for all Texans fans and players, did what he did. O’Brien, may he reign for 10,000 years, speaks on behalf of all fans and players of Mother Houston. He speaks clearly, without mincing words like so many other duplicitous coaches in league, and does not hesitate to tell hard truths to fans as he wholeheartedly believes we deserve to know truth at all times. This is what Comrade Marshal O’Brien, through unimpeachable integrity of Ministry of Information, strives for at all times.

In his capacity as First Comrade of Texans’ Footballburo, Great Leader has improved only football team that matters by bringing in top flight offensive line talent through draft, free agency, and offering minimal value for maximum gain, all while adding much needed depth to stalwart linebackers of Texans, whose every hit delivered comes from strength of people they represent, in exchange for some low-level players who were unlikely to ever get playing time if they remained within loving bosom of Mother Houston. Surely cannot be said that is incredibly kind and generous of Comrade Marshal to allow player who would never see field here in Motherland to potentially make roster of vastly inferior competitor.

Lesser teams in lesser cities would be satisfied with bringing much needed depth to team in exchange for nameless benchwarmers, but not our glorious, and entirely too modest, Texans. Not only have Texans solved alleged issues at left tackle, but they have also streamlined draft process by reducing burden of choice required of team. This will make it easier for team and give them privilege of choosing only most deserving players. Not only that, because Great Leader is so magnanimous, he felt concerned that people of Motherland, greatest fanbase anybody could ever hope to be, would be too tied down to television to watch draft all weekend. Streamlining picks creates additional efficiency in fans’ weekend, offering extra opportunities for entertainment. Always remember, comrades, Marshal O’Brien has your best interests at heart at all times.

Enough of past. Let us look forward now to yet another championship season and first victim to greatest offense ever assembled in professional sports, including curling: Saints of New Orleans.

First name. Why are they called Saints? Other disreputable (i.e., lying) sources will tell you is because of religious nature of City of New Orleans. Anybody who has ever been to New Orleans knows this is blatant falsehood. It is throwback to mythic past, one that never existed and never will exist. As near as we can tell at Ministry of Information, who you can always trust to speak truth to you, name is cruel tactic of psychological warfare that is being inflicted on fans of that team. Saints are pious people, people that are supposed to be looked up to and admired, much like our great leader Comrade Marshal O’Brien.

But is widely known fact that sins are boundless in New Orleans—gluttony, lust, greed, public drunkenness, playing Parcheesi without license...list is endless. Town with that much wanton disregard for ethical behavior, which can never be said about football loving fans and players of Mother Houston, cannot hope to live up to ideal of being saint. So in truth, is cruel and malicious taunting of the fans by owners, who named team, and NFL, who allowed team to be named that. Why, comrades, do these poor souls allow themselves to be humiliated by team that pretends to have best interests in mind? This is promise, to all comrades in New Orleans: you will never be humiliated by People’s Football Team of Texas and, in solidarity with all fans, our glorious Texans will thrash malicious Saints to defend your honor!

We should expect libertine Saints to come into game, into season, very angry. Is this anger justifiable? Not at all. As you may remember, while Texans were destroying every opponent faced in AFC Playoffs, in NFC, the Saints were busy whining, crying, and howling because receivers couldn’t be bothered to catch easily catchable balls and advance to Super Bowl. They could have faced Texans in second Super Bowl appearance if they hadn’t insisted on pass interference calls every single play, thus annoying referees who sided with opponent early. We at Ministry, who have never told lie in long, illustrious history, are grateful that Texans do not feel need to work refs for hard-fought, well-earned victory.

In truth, game isn’t particularly close on paper. While it may appear on surface that offenses are evenly matched, is deceptive ploy brought on by nefarious elements who wish to embarrass peace and football loving fans and players of Houston Texans. Stumpy traitor to Motherland Drew Brees, and Hero of Texans offense Deshaun Watson, combined for over 8,000 passing yards. Which, if math of Ministry of Information is correct—it always is—means that divided by height, Brees is good for about 1,140 yards for every foot tall he is. Is, in own way, an impressive feat, unlike false flag pass interference ball he threw in NFC Championship Game.

New and more efficient Texans defense will be able to contain Brees, Kamara, and nameless bunch of interchangeable receivers who play for them.

Question is who can be exploited on Saints defense on regular basis Monday night? Answer is obviously Marshon Lattimore, Saints’ brash, arrogant cornerback. Reports from dubious outlets are claiming that DeAndre Hopkins had great praise for Lattimore, saying he expects challenge going against him. Not only is Hopkins gifted receiver physically, he is also master of psychological warfare. By praising Lattimore, he is setting up entirely unrealistic expecations for defender. First starts with “a challenge to go against him,” next thing you know Saints fans will believe he can walk on water and stop passes with power of mind. Is obviously not thing that can be done, but now will be expected of him. When Lattimore is inevitably trounced by Hopkins—and he will be trounced, comrades, that is certainty—all deeply misguided Saints fans will turn against him and break his spirit until he has no choice but to leave NFL, find artist colony, and take up watercolors, where he will paint likenesses of DeAndre Hopkins, because he is just that great of receiver.

Is not some flight of fancy. This is unvarnished truth, truth which Ministry of Information feels you are worthy of receiving. Let us go forward with collective heads held high and smash all reactionary fans and teams of NFL, starting in New Orleans. Our victory is certain, our strength immeasurable, and our dominance is absolute.