Comrades, it brings great pain to heart to report that Ministry of Information has revealed true culprit behind incomprehensible struggles of People’s Football Team of Texas. Was believed originally that vile corruption and actions of agents provocateur from fraudulently named “patriots” of “New England” were responsible for team’s unnecessary struggles. Was believed that rooting out traitor Godsey, who once called offensive plays for our glorious team, was wholly responsible.
Truth is far more grim than that.
Recent revelations have shown that vast conspiracy to sabotage only football team that matters has reached highest echelons of power. Was discovered that primary saboteur of football loving fans and players of Houston Texans was none other than foul traitor Marshal Bill O’Brien.
Upon learning of deceit and highest form of base treason against people of Houston, who deserve only highest quality football that money can provide, O’Brien has been detained and tried.
Ministry of Information, dear comrades, now brings you, complete, unabridged, and entirely objectively, transcript of trial of Bill O’Brien, whose cavernous chin dimple causes children to vomit in streets and women to faint in absolute disgust.
O’Brien: I stand accused of crimes I never committed. This has all been a setup by my enemies who want to see me d—
Toroshinsky: We did not ask for your narration, comrade. How do you plead?
O’Brien: I’ve done nothing wrong. I have BEEN wronged.
Toroshinsky: YOU’VE been wronged? If anybody has been wronged here, comrade, is football-loving fans and players of Houston Texans; wronged by you and your wretched scheming to ruin team all decent football fans love and admire.
O’Brien: Lies! Lies and slander! I’ll see you traded to Cleveland for t—
Toroshinsky: You’ll see nothing of the sort. Is it not true, comrade, that you took job as head coach of Houston Texans? And that you did this despite knowing you were out of your depth from moment you got here? And that you only took this vaunted position to prevent Texans’ inevitable usurpation of Patriots as dominant team in league?
O’Brien: I know nothing of the sort! Everything I did was for the benefit of the Texans and ONLY the benefit of the Texans?
Toroshinsky: You have strange way of showing it, comrade. First thing you did as head coach was purge single most popular figure in Houston football history from team. No sooner did your feet touch the ground than you sent Andre Johnson away to our enemies in frigid north of Indiana?
O’Brien: He had nothing left! We had DeAndre Hopkins ready and waiting to replace him! There was no sen—
Toroshinsky: We’ll get to your treatment of former Hero of Texans Offense DeAndre Hopkins soon enough. But what of Arian Foster? In no sooner than your second year, in blowout game against Dolphins, you kept running Arian Foster. Despite game being lost cause, you continued running him. Can you tell me what happened to Foster in that game?
O’Brien: There was an injury that nobody could’ve foreseen.
Toroshinsky: In fourth quarter of that game, with Texans down 30 points, Arian Foster tore his Achilles in non-contact injury on your orders. That was his last play as Texan. He retired the next year. You effectively ended career of best running back in team’s history because of your hubris.
Crowd: [murmuring in disapproval]
O’Brien: You play to win the game, and we had enough time in the fourth quar—
Toroshinsky: And then there’s your selection of quarterbacks over the years. You led people of Houston to believe your system would work with literally any quarterback you plugged into it. Ryan Fitzpatrick, Brian Hoyer, [UNPERSON], Ryan Mallett, Tom Savage, Case Keenum, T.J. Yates, Brandon Weeden, B.J. Daniels, Taylor Heinicke, and Deshaun Watson. All 11 were chosen by you to play at some point or another in your tenure, and only Watson could play effectively; many would say he did so despite your system. Why would you tell this lie and then knowingly run out inferior quarterbacks unless you wanted to weaken team intentionally?
O’Brien: My system is simple enough that any quarterback can run it. I just happened to find the exact quarterbacks who couldn’t.
Toroshinsky: I won’t even go into your decision to start Tom Savage over Deshaun Watson to start 2017 season. That’s just malpractice on grand scale.
Toroshinsky: Or fact that your offensive scheme never got into top ten for total offense in any season. Then there was Caserio Affair. Do you recall this, comrade? Please, inform court of what happened.
O’Brien: We needed a new general manager after Rick Smith stepped do—
Toroshinsky: After you got him fired. But go on.
O’Brien: So Jack [Easterby] and I decided to try and recruit Nick Caserio, who was a player personnel manager at the time.
Toroshinsky: And who was his employer at the time?
O’Brien: The Patriots.
Toroshinsky: You and Easterby, who will get his justice soon enough, I assure you, colluded to poach executive from team who had already been suspected of sabotaging our glorious Texans? And this is two years after we rooted out sabotage caused by traitor Godsey in 2017? And how did Caserio Affair end?
O’Brien: The Patriots filed a grievance against the Texans and we didn’t hire anyone that year.
Crowd: Shame! Shame! Shame!
Toroshinsky: And eventually you filled role of general manager yourself. Correct?
Toroshinsky: Yes, let’s talk about your record as general manager and coach, which was role you claim you didn’t seek but didn’t turn down either. In your tenure as general manager, you purged one of best defensive talents in league in Jadeveon Clowney. And what did Texans get in return?
O’Brien: Jacob Martin, Barkevious Mingo, and a third round pick that I traded to the Raiders for Gareon Conley.
Toroshinsky: But you weren’t done. You then took four high draft picks from that year and following year and traded them to Miami for Laremy Tunsil and Kenny Stills.
O’Brien: We needed a left tackle and some extra receiving help. You can’t fault me for that.
Toroshinsky: No, but people of Houston can fault you for overpaying by spending multiple high draft picks for those players. This led to People’s Team of Texas being embarrassed by outside world, criticizing our team for being badly managed. Managed by you, comrade. Your actions on field weakened team bit by bit. Your actions off field guaranteed we could never build team back up. But most egregious trade came following year, when you traded former Hero Of Texans Offense DeAndre Hopkins, player that virtually never missed a game and consistently hauled in most difficult of catches. And for what? For what did you trade him?
O’Brien: David Johnson and a second round pick.
Toroshinsky: You traded Hopkins, a potential Hall of Fame receiver who was still in his prime, for running back who was past prime? And you expect us to believe you WEREN’T trying to sabotage team from within? Imagination can only go so far, comrade O’Brien.
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOO!!!! We want DeAndre back!!!
O’Brien: He demanded too much from the team! He refused to put me—I mean—the team first! He could not be trusted to have the team’s best interest, so he had to be purged.
Toroshinsky: And if that wasn’t enough, we discover you had plans to purge Defensive Hero of People J.J. Watt to some inferior team. Not for first round pick or even second. No, you were prepared to send him away for fifth round pick!
Crowd: [outraged shouting, taunts of O’Brien] Guilty! Guilty!
Toroshinsky: [pounds gavel] Quiet! The accused will explain himself.
O’Brien: He was a threat to my control of the team! He could not be trusted! He was working to undermine all the great work I had done for the people of the Motherland! It was either him or me!
Toroshinsky: Indeed. Him or you. Watt, three-time Defensive player of the Year and easily best defender in team history, or you, who worked with Patriots to undermine People’s Football Team of Texas for just over six years.
Crowd: [laughing and jeering]
Toroshinsky: [gavel pounding harder] I’ve heard enough. Is time to pass sentence. Accused will stand.
Toroshinsky: William O’Brien, former marshal of People’s Football Team of Texas, this court finds you guilty of high treason, rank corruption, and sabotage of will of people.
Crowd: [cheers wildly]
Toroshinsky: You will be sentenced to spend indeterminate amount of time at gulag in Pasadena until such time as you have sufficiently atoned for your crimes. People’s justice will be obtained through your toil in Pasadena. In short, comrade O’Brien...you will be purged.
Court is adjourned.
Such is fate of all traitors to Motherland. Let this serve as reminder to all that service to football loving fans and players of Houston Texans is honor and should not be treated lightly as traitor O’Brien has done.
GLORY TO MOTHER HOUSTON!