Rise for People’s Anthem of Houston Texans:
Comrades! Our glorious Houston Texans, who have only ever worked to make you laugh and cheer and feel nothing but happiness, have once more taken up mantle of bringing revolutionary principles of Motherland to all undeserving teams of NFL! Even throughout postseason, our Supreme Marshal of Texans comrade Bill O’Brien works tirelessly to identify issues with team, solidify gains of People’s Football Team of Texas, and purify team to uphold O’Brienist thought now and always.
In order for purification to happen, certain untrustworthy or otherwise ineffective elements of team must be uncovered and...cleansed for good of Motherland. Such was case for ineffective malcontent, DeAndre Hopkins. Unreliable sources have claimed him to be hero of Texans offense, and they would lie and tell you that team being liberated from his mediocrity would be bad thing for Texans. Do not listen to these fraudsters. They mean to trick you into thinking Comrade Marshal O’Brien has no idea what he is doing. Nothing is further from truth. O’Brien knows far more about team’s success than any single fan can ever hope to know. Malcontents and gossip-mongerers combined have fewer AFC South championships than O’Brien can count on one hand. Why should anyone ever take these future unpersons seriously?
The reality is that Hopkins’ dedication to Texans fans around world has always been suspect. Even recently, Ministry has discovered long-standing correspondence between traitor Hopkins and longtime enemy of people Larry Fitzgerald of Arizona Cardinals. Correspondence, too inflammatory to be revealed on these pages, reveal Hopkins’ loyalty does not stand with hard-working, proud fans and players of Houston Texans. No! Instead, they show his undying hatred for people by using such words as “not,” “team,” “player,” “love,” “Arizona,” “hate,” and “Houston.” Clearly someone who would use such horrific language about Texans and fans—remember comrades, players are representation of you and everything you stand forr—is not someone to be trusted. But Comrade Marshal O’Brien is nothing if not merciful. Unlike some other former members of Texans who have never played for Texans whose name is synonymous with basest form of treason and will not be uttered here, Hopkins was moved to Arizona, where hubris and disloyalty will undoubtedly undo the Cardinals as would have undone Texans had it not been for forethought of greatest coach in Houston sports history. If you need further proof of Hopkins’ base perfidy, notice how much Cardinals are paying him for attempts to sabotage Texans from within with boring and loathsome consistency!
Never forget comrades: Traitors who hate and despise greatness of Houston Texans will move imaginary heaven and very real earth to undo all hard work fans and players have put into building team into what is now. Just look at vile backstabber Jadeveon Clowney. Clowney demanded ransom of hundreds of millions of rubles just to remain with team but with no guarantee of successful performance. So what did our great leader do in preternatural wisdom? He sent malcontent away. What does Clowney do now? He signed with truest enemies of Motherland, deal with vile redneck slags of lower Kentucky, in effort to destroy our glorious Texans from outside since he cannot do from within! These are hard decisions great O’Brien must make over and over again.
So instead of whiny, narcissistic receiver who we cannot rely on to remain healthy for more than three or four seasons at time, we now have revolutionary new running back who top Texans scientists are retrofitting with latest Houstonian medical equipment. In addition to this, we, people of Mother Houston, have also obtained services of top flight receivers to fill non-gap left by long-past-his-prime receiver Hopkins. We now have Randall Cobb, Brandin Cooks, return of Kenny Stills, stalwart, forever healthy Will Fuller V, David Johnson and one true Hero of Houston Sports Offense, Deshaun Watson, core of newly renovated Texans offensive engine!
Is considered opinion of Great Leader O’Brien that Hopkins was holding team back. In exclusive report to highly trustworthy Ministry of Information, O’Brien confessed that he planned to unveil his “hundred horse” offense to world.
Exact words were:
Say you had to choose between fighting one horse-sized duck or 100 duck-sized horses. Which would you rather fight? Most people would pick the horse-sized duck because it’s just a duck. But it’s still a very large duck, and ducks are very mean and bite and stuff. Whereas the 100 duck-sized horses are confusing, difficult to catch because they’re so much faster than a normal duck, and if they all gang up to fight you, that many tiny horses will cause panic in any team.
Give me 100 ducks and I’ll give you at minimum another AFC South title.
Such stirring words should ring in hearts of all true, loyal Texans fans.
But enough about past. Let us ignore past greatness of Texans and concentrate on future greatness by destroying counterrevolutionary forces of Kansas City Chiefs.
If you will recall, Texans and Chiefs have not played each other in several seasons owing to fact that Chiefs were so sick of losing to superior might and virtuous talent that they stopped trying to defeat People’s Team. Because of this, Chiefs took lazy and cowardly path to Super Bowl, which less reputable media outlets claim they won but those reports remain unconfirmed. That said, is not inconceivable that Chiefs could have won, because not long after Chiefs’ played in South Florida for so-called championship, plague likes of which world has never seen swept globe, infecting everyone in path, including peace, health, and football-loving fans and players of Houston Texans. One hesitates to blame entire pandemic on single football team, but cannot argue with timeline and would not be first time that someone left South Florida with infection only to spread it far and wide.
Not only is pandemic entirely fault of Kansas City Chiefs, and more specifically Patrick Mahomes, who has not denied being one of the horsemen of apocalypse, but there is reason to believe, comrade readers, that pandemic could have been far worse. Realistic and reliable reporting from intrepid Ministry of Information has learned Mahomes’ recent contract demands, eye-watering $400 to $500 million for 10 years, was leveraged by highly credible threats of making plague we all suffer from much worse. According to notes, which are not to be questioned, Mahomes:
...wanted half a billion dollars, plus one-third of the entirety of Kansas City “except for the barbecue joints because they’re terrible,” or I shall release another wave of infections that would make the current wave seem like child’s play...
Imagine greed, absolute sociopathy to make that kind of demand. For such work that pales compared to Great Watson, is unconscionable! Had Watson been in same situation, not only would he demand less money, he would’ve insisted salary go towards creation of vaccine to help fix damage that Kansas City Chiefs probably totally did cause.
Is little wonder that because of abject cruelty from Mahomes that very few Chiefs fans will be in stands to cheer for team; that there will be anybody in stands at all is bewildering to humble Ministry officials. It will take a minimal effort by Texans secondary, even one without Gareon Conley, to stop Mahomes, though is not beyond possibility that Mahomes would cover ball with virus as “silly prank.” Mahomes must be stopped at all costs.
But that does not mean our glorious football team does not have options to strike back. Highly placed sources within the Ministry indicate that CB Bashaud Breeland, who got himself suspended because threat of facing “hundred horse” offense made him feel faint, will not be playing on Thursday and instead be replaced with committee of rookies who are too ignorant to realize full fury of People’s Offense will land upon them! Hero of People’s Offense Watson will have little issue picking them apart as if attempting to find only good barbecue restaurant in Kansas City, which is fool’s errand.
There have also been reports, coming from highly slanted and deeply untrustworthy outside media sources, saying entire Chiefs offense participated in practice Tuesday after having been on injury report Monday. You, great comrades who are very savvy football watchers, should be suspicious of such bravado. Is questionable that team would make such big deal about team being full participants closer we get to game. Is almost as though they trying to mask obvious intimidation they must be feeling in weak hearts as reality of Texans’ dominance creeps over heads. There can be no other realistic explanation, and anyone who offers one is likely traitor to Mother Houston and should be reported by patriotic Texans fans to Ministry of Education to help poor lost souls.
Football time grows closer, comrades. Soon we will be able to support, with full hearts and righteous fury, our glorious Houston Texans as we attempt once more to liberate those who would turn their eyes from truth, from correct path as laid out by Comrade Marshal O’Brien.
Let us once more uphold O’Brienist thought for Mother Houston and People’s Football Revolution which represents her and all of us as well.
Lead us on to triumph of Texans!