Brothers and sisters, let us take comfort in the knowledge that the will of the football gods can never be thwarted by something as vulgar as an “opponent.” The faithless would be quick to point out that our Texans, the team that makes all our Sundays blessed, scored only nine points in their game against Carolina on Thursday night.
What they fail to see, and what you should be aware of, is that our team, praise be!, is governed by such mysterious ways as to be unknowable. Neither you, nor the faithless, can know what the football gods have in store for the Texans. That is why you must rely solely on me, for only I am privy to the word of the football gods.
And let me tell you, undyingly loyal brothers and sisters, that I had a revelation! Oh yes, friends, the football gods bestowed upon me the sight of their will, and it was a joyous sight. Let me get a praise Toro!
I said, praise Toro!
That’s what I like to hear. Now the other night, just after I had finished dining on mushrooms that I had found in the forest, as I was looking at my leather-bound copy of the team playbook, I said, “Dearest Bob, I know that you and the football gods have a great vision for our team’s future, but I’m struggling to see it at this time. Please, if you can, show me what you have in store for your flock of fans.”
And that’s when I heard a voice, soft and tranquil, almost imperceptible to the ear, say to me, “Fear ye not for the Texans.” I grew weak in the knees and fell to the ground. I said to this voice, “Please, o spirit without form, show me why you let our team struggle so.”
The spirit showed me a tiny bull with a Texans logo for a head, clad in deep steel blue, butting heads against a massive bison. We’re talking sooooo many cubits here, folks. Do you know what happened next? That bull hit that bison so hard that it went flying out of the stadium and into the Gulf.
Now what do you think that means, brothers and sisters? That the Texans will win? That much is obvious. All fans loyal to the one true team must believe that victory is all but certain every week. That is part of the winning culture of the victory mindset that our leaders have instilled in this team.
But how, you might ask? How will the Texans win against such a mighty foe? Subterfuge! Recall, if you will, the game on Thursday night and leave aside the abomination of playing football on such a cursed day; imagine yourself as a defensive player and you see your opponent only scored nine points against their last opponent. How would you react? Would you think you had to put on your best effort against such a feeble team? Or would you be all loosey goosey, thinking, “These fools aren’t going to be a threat at all. In fact, I’ll just stroll up and pluck the ball out of the quarterback’s hands just by looking mean at him.”
Then, when they’re feeling all confident and easygoing, that is when the Texans, like the mighty squirrel they are, will strike. That is why the so-called “poor” showing against Carolina last Thursday night happened. The Carolina game doesn’t matter for the Texans in terms of tie-breakers, not in any real sense. A win against Buffalo, however, would please the football gods and all good and faithful Texans fans who uphold the victory mindset needed to bring to Houston victory everlasting.
Now, open your playbooks to the Book of O’Brien, Chapter 31, Verse 51:
And lo, I saw a field of great tribulation, with much wailing and gnashing of teeth. I did stand among the multitudes and curse those which did not believe nor were not tough, smart, nor dependable. And those curses raised on high among the multitudes until the condemned fell around me. I found the way forward through the cursed lands and said, unto the heretics, to commit physically unattainable acts to themselves multiple times.
Now the reason we bring up this passage is to recall the power of the crowd. Had the prophet not said a word, he might not have fallen prey to his own cursing. But he was unwise and tempted the will of the football gods. We should all keep a civil tongue in our heads toward the Texans. But not the Bills. They’re still fair game.
Here endeth the lesson.
Now let us go forth onto the Sunday and say, with a single, unified breath, in the name of McNair the Father, McNair the Son, and the Holy Toro, “Go Texans!”