clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Houston Sports Information Ministries - Week Seven

Let us gather together to bear witness to further testimony of the Houston Texans.

For Jack Easterby so loved his job that he did sacrifice the Houston Texans so the he could job security everlasting.

Mood Music To Play.

Brothers and sisters! Nothing worth learning can be learned easily. Only through hardship can one truly understand the value of learning. That is why last Sunday’s result against the Indianapolis Colts was truly a blessing for the Houston Texans and for our humble flock of bulls.

Because while the score may make appear poor, the team that achieved it is indeed rich. Rich in football spirit, rich in football culture, and rich in the rewards of those who remain faithful through the years. The Colts may have had a wealth of points, but they have an impoverishment of their souls! And nothing, not one single thing, can save them from that solar squalor that would not involve their joyous conversion to being Houston Texans or one of their fans.

But that is not what I wanted to talk about today, my blessed brethren and sistren. Today’s lesson is about love. Love is vital to being a football fan. Love keeps you coming back to a team when you don’t feel worthy of the emotion. Love keeps you bonded to the team such that you can never fully reject the team you are eternally bound to. That love can even stretch beyond the borders of Houston, throughout space and time, to the very core of the universe itself. Love is beautiful! Love can even span to other teams, though that is a dangerous trek to make.

This week’s opponent is a perfect example of that. Consider the Arizona Cardinals. A team of heretics, to be sure, worthy of condemnation by the fanbase and that which will be consigned to the fires of football hell for spreading their blasphemy. But do we condemn them? No. For the construction of the Cardinals is not exclusively the fault of the wayward team. Particularly a pair of prodigal sons who will stand against our beloved Texans, to whom we owe our faith and unwavering piety.

We will welcome with open arms children of the Holy Toro who have strayed far from the light. We will open our arms and our hearts to J.J. Watt and DeAndre Hopkins, and we will do so with joy in our souls.

This sentiment may confuse some, and that is understandable. For we cannot be privy to the inner workings of the Texans and their grand, visionary design. We simply must accept the truth of the world.

It is because of that truth, so vast and unknowable, that we do not, and should not, harbor anger in our souls at Watt or Hopkins. Neither of these players had any desire to truly leave the Houston Texans. Their hearts were pure, as if touched by Toro Himself. It is the sinful, the criminal, the utterly craven actions of the previous administration that caused a rift between these fallen children of Houston and the Texans. We did not shun then for their faults. They were forced out by heathens who had absolute control over the roster, over the offense, the defense, the team in its entirety.

The heathens spurned Hopkins for being beloved by fans and players alike. We who have seen the light would move heaven and Houston to have him back in his rightful place, at the right hand of Houston’s Chosen Quarterback, Davis Mills. The cruelty and shallow wisdom of previous leaders will be righted through the pursuit of our superior football culture.

The same can be said of J.J. Watt. He did not truly wish to leave, but he felt forced out by those who would see our Texans weakened from within. But we will not be left in fear by these craven miscreants. We will embrace our former friends and players and show them the love that they deserved from our blessed Texans and was withheld from them by others who no longer hold sway with this team in any way whatsoever, no matter what anybody says to the contrary.

We do not reject love. We do not withhold love from our enemies, especially when those enemies rightfully belong with us.

Here endeth the lesson.

Now please, open your playbooks to the Book of Shankopotamus, Ch. 3, Verse 15:

And it came to pass that the ball should sail through the uprights so long as it was the will of Toro to do so. Lo, and I saw that the uprights did not please Toro and He forced the ball to either side, so that the ball could not go straight through. Whilst those that do become valued more greatly because of their rarity.

What does this have to do with love? Nothing. It’s just so inspiring.

Let us go forth on Sunday and cheer and heap praises upon our Texans. In the name of McNair the Father, McNair the Son, and the Holy Toro, we say: Go Texans!