Hair of the Dog - Texans-Jets

It’s Hair of the Dog. Let’s get right to it because I’ve been putting up Christmas decorations all weekend, I’m tired, and I want to go to bed.

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with the word [kitten] for sanitary purposes.

Pregame Thoughts:

BFD

Alfred Blue is going to get 18 carries for 36 yards this game, and part of my soul will die. I am hopeful for all the non-Blue events, however.

First Quarter:

MDC

Darnold is gonna have a long day.

BFD

LOL @ the Jests. Dad would love a shutout.

UT

Holy [kitten] a Watson keeper! I can’t remember the last time I saw them do that.

(Watson called down on a sack, I assume because someone else was using the refs’ eyes at the moment)

UT

What the [kitten]? His knee was never down!

BFD

[KITTEN]!

Vega

Bull[kitten] whistle.

BFD

I agree with the whistle being blown there.

Brain O’Brain: OFFENSIVE SUPERGENIUS.

MDC (to BFD)

Really? In real time it looked like every missed sack where the whistle doesn’t blow.

Vega (to BFD)

I disagree with it. Quarterbacks these days are so athletic, you have to give them a chance to break out of those tackles.

UT (to BFD)

I can’t disagree more. I’ve seen Russell Wilson escape much worse situations than that and the refs had sufficient brain cells as to not blow the whistle in those situations.

(Texans kick a field goal, lead 3-0.)

MDC

I do agree with that call against Clowney, though. That was just dumb play.

Vega

Can’t argue that one.

Capt Ron (to BFD)

There’s protecting the QB and then there’s an early whistle to “rig” the game for Vegas.

BFD

The refs simply did what they’ve been told to do, which is protect the QB.

True story: Darnold is not actually good throwing on the run. If I remember correctly, he was at about 40% completion rate last year in college when throwing on the run.

Weston

Somewhere Luke is smiling that Houston is running a 4-3

Kenneth L.

Off coverage on 3rd and 3???

Capt Ron

Jets center moved the ball and pulled Watt offsides.

Refs are showing their corrupt hand early today.

Vega

Why are we giving so much cushion to Robby Anderson on 3rd and 3? I feel like we overthink things sometimes.

Weston

[Durga] these cornerbacks are so bad

UT

I’d get mad about the refs not calling holding on the lineman trying to strangle Watt right there but I know that they’ll never call that in a trillion years.

Kenneth L.

There was a massive block in the back there on watt. This is disgraceful

UT

Ticky-tack holding call against KJax there.

Vega

Refs are calling a very soft game today. Hopefully that works well for Hopkins later.

Kenneth L.

Darnold with blood on his elbow

(Jets kick a field goal. Game is tied 3-3.)

MDC

[Durga][kitten], the Jets’ receivers are a whiny lot.

UT (to MDC)

Hey, if it works, why wouldn’t they whine like little children?

Capt Ron

I won’t be satisfied until there’s blood on the ref’s elbow. This is a classic example of the NFL’s problem with officiating that makes them look incompetent or corrupt.

Weston

Shareece Wright would be picked last in a BRB street football pick up game.

BFD

Nice play by Mathieu there. But, man, that drive. That was kinda embarrassing, especially the job by the refs.

UT

These Colin Jost Izod ads can go away forever. Launch them to [kitten]ing Alpha Centauri or something.

MDC

The “Colin Jost talking to his Izod sweater” commercial is so white, it makes BFD look like Malcolm X.

BFD

“Man, you need to work on your fantasies.” <--- A thing Mrs. bfd has never said to me.

MDC

Hopkins 500th catch. Nice.

UT (to BFD)

Poor, poor Mrs. BFD.

Second Quarter:

Capt Ron

Are you guys hearing other broadcast announcers along with these (terrible) CBS guys? Like they are all crammed into a phone booth?

In the background (obviously not far enough in the background) I can hear 610’s Vandemere as well as someone calling the game in Spanish. WTH?!!

Weston

That was a 40 minute first quarter. We are going to die one day. Let’s get on with it.

UT

I’m still laughing my [kitten] off by Mariucci saying Blue was a good football player who is a banger.

Yeah, one [kitten]ing yard gained does not a banger make.

Capt Ron

Miller heading for the locker room.

Queue Blue!

(Texans kick another field goal, lead 6-3.)

UT

Strap in, folks, it’s looking like an All-Field Goal-Offense kinda day.

Capt Ron

After spending much time in London, I’m convinced Steve was calling Blue a sausage with the “banger” reference.

MDC

I want a JJ Watt pick six for Christmas.

Vega

This game is going to end 18-12, isn’t it

Weston

Glory glory hallelujah another field goal

Sheesh that bull rush by Leonard Williams v senio kelemete was nasty

BFD

Brain O’Brain: OfFeNsIvE sUpErGeNiUs.

UT:

I want to pose a hypothetical situation to y’all. Texans lead the Colts by two games in the division so it’s unlikely but not impossible for the Colts to knock us out of the playoffs.

If the Texans somehow tank the lead and miss the postseason, does that mean the end for Brain?

Kenneth L.

Nope. Gaine and Brain in this together

BFD

Brain didn’t get canned after last year and starting this year 0-3. He’s going to be here forever, the Texans’ version of Marvin Lewis

Capt Ron

The Chargers are WTFROFLing at these red zone field goals in this game.

Vega

So, can someone explain to me why we’re playing soft coverage against a struggling rookie quarterback?

Capt Ron

[Kitten]y refs and no-calls to go with the bad calls and early whistles...

UT

NFL Network clearly sparing no expense with the sound equipment they’re using here.

Kenneth L.

THESE ANNOUNCERS ARE SO PRO-JETS

MDC

The officials are making a [kitten]y game [kitten]ier.

Capt Ron

Watt getting the turnover there was good timing to kill the drive.

MDC

Alfred Blue is garbage.

(Clemson Connection for the touchdown. Texans lead 13-3.)

UT

That was friggin’ beautiful.

Capt Ron

Da Bomb to Hop for a TD!!

Vega

Hopkins makes me tingly.

BFD

Good things happen when Deshaun Watson throws the ball deep. Hopkins with a great job tracking that ball.

Vega

Alfred Blue is so Alfred Blue

(Texans kick another field goal, lead 16-3.)

UT

Glory to--aw you know the rest.

BFD

Fairbairn is going to lead one of my fantasy teams to victory this week!

Kenneth L.

That first down is on Dylan Cole not knowing his assignment

UT

Sweet [Durga] I hate this secondary.

Capt Ron

Houston’s secondary is officially a tertiary.

Weston

It’s been like this allllll year

Capt Ron

If they didn’t have Reid, it might be a quadrary.

BFD

Good [kitten] this secondary is terrible. And I swear to Durga they are targeting Mathieu out there.

(Jets score a passing touchdown. Jets miss the extra point. Texans lead 16-9.)

UT

I’m pretty sure Darnold was ahead of the line of scrimmage on that TD. [Kitten].

Weston

Sam Darnold is best friends with AJ soprano

Vega

Ok... the front 7 is solid. Potentially among the best in the league. The safety play is some of the best we’ve had in years. Does that mean the corners are absolutely among the worst in team history? If those first two premises stand, then how else can you explain the abysmal pass coverage.

Halftime Reactions:

BFD

I cannot believe how all over Darnold’s jock the announcers are.

Weston

Leonard is crushing Kelemete

I will say I’m really enjoying how O’Brien is calling this game. The bar is low, but there’s actual downfield throws, play action, and using Watson as a runner.

BFD

Three field goals vs. one TD. It may be better, but it’s still trash.

Capt Ron

Houston should fire the secondary coach. They have no clue what to do out there and there’s no way ALL of them are that bad in terms of individual talent.

RAC should also be on the hot seat, because the defense should be wrecking shop much more than we are seeing the last few weeks.

This late in the season, the entire group should be dialed in, not looking lost on assignments.

Weston (to Capt Ron)

Ron, the cornerbacks are really bad.

Capt Ron

This game is so bad that the NFL Network went straight to a Browns / Broncos preview at halftime for anybody who hasn’t already changed the channel.

Third Quarter:

Vega

My Colombian buddy once asked me what “meh” means. I think I’ll show him this game as exhibit A.

BFD

“We’ve go to run the ball better.” - Brain O’Brain.

This is why this team isn’t going anywhere in the playoffs.

How in the hell did we get the Jets’ home audio feed for this game?

MDC

Yes. [Kitten] this offensive line.

Capt Ron

The Texans are actually going to lose this game aren’t they?

I think I’ll turn it off and go see “The Mule” in the theater. Why? Because I have more confidence in 88-year-old Clint Eastwood against the Cartel and Feds than an O’Brien-led football team. What a [kitten] show.

UT

It’s games like this that remind me how lucky I am that Buffalo Wild Wings never plays the sound from Texans games.

Because if I had to listen, I’d probably reach for the first living thing I could find and kill it.

MDC (to Capt Ron)

Yes.

Capt Ron

50 sacks on Watson this season so far. Too many are his fault. The rest is on the front office for this crappy OL.

Weston

Jordan Akins gave up one of those sacks. The other was from a spy. The OL is disparaged enough. Let’s save it for when they deserve it.

I’m expecting for Watt to have 7 sacks now that the backup RT is in.

(Jets score a touchdown, somehow still trailing the Texans 16-15.)

MDC

This will be a particularly galling loss.

BFD

Shareece Wright again bites on the slant and go, giving up a TD. The Jests watched the Colts game tape, I reckon. It’s also likely the Colts will hang up a new banner to celebrate.

Capt Ron

Let’s just put one of those inflatable punching clowns out there at right corner. How is Wright the best option??!!!

UT (to Capt Ron)

He’s not, I just wonder whose dog did Aaron Colvin run over to not beat out SHAREECE WRIGHT for the starting corner role?

Weston

Wright has been beaten on double moves since Buffalo. They’ve been fortunate the previous 8 weeks. They aren’t anymore.

Houston can’t even cover Travis Benjamin let alone Phillip Dorsett

(Watson gets sacked.)

UT

Please, Deshaun, learn to throw the ball away.

Weston

Yeah I have no idea what’s up with Colvin. He’s had a bad ankle, was the nickle back on the best CB duo last year, and hasn’t been good when he’s on the field this year, but this is still strange.

BFD

Ryan Griffin first misses the block, and then gets dropped immediately after catching it.

Weston

That play sums up what’s wrong with Houston’s offense this game. NYJ blitzes, Houston doesn’t have enough in to protect, the hot route is Ryan Griffin in the flat, and he’s hit immediately.

Vega

Does anyone else feel like the Texans are actually losing?

UT (to Vega)

If the Jets hadn’t missed two extra points, they would be; so it’s only fitting that it feels like they’re losing.

Capt Ron

Defense got the stop. Can the offense find a play in the book they can execute?

BFD

We won back to back games on missed FGs as time expired. And, yes, when your head coach plays for the tie, it often feels like we’re losing.

UT

Sounds like they replaced Wright with Colvin.

Only took ‘em nearly three quarters to finally pull the trigger but they did.

Fourth Quarter:

Vega

You know what we should do? Run Blue up the middle for no gain. They’ll never see it coming.

MDC

Stop running Alfred Blue.

BFD

Alfred Blue now has 6 carries and 7 yards, yet, we really do keep trying to run him up the middle. Meanwhile, Watson is averaging 11.3 yards/attempt. BRAIN.

Vega

The screen to the old guy didn’t work. Hmm... let’s try it again.

The biggest problem with Bill O’Brian’s offense is that he simply throws away downs on low percentage plays.

(Texans kick a field goal, lead 19-15.)

UT

Glory to Field Goal Offense.

BFD

Four [kitten]ing field goals. What a joke.

/checks fantasy football team

17 points from my kicker WHOOOOOO!!!

Capt Ron

Kubiak used to call play-action with stone-shoe’d Schaub to great effect.

O’Brien has Watson and never calls it.

Why?!!

Vega

Did Brain really call a timeout there?!

UT

[Durga] I hope not. But I wouldn’t blink if he did.

BFD

What in the ever living [kitten]. That should be a first down, and Brain calls a time out???

Capt Ron

O’Brien is a moron. The evidence continues to stack high with his horrible decisions.

UT

Oh [Durga], he did call timeout. And Bowles didn’t challenge the play, not that it mattered since they got the first down anyway.

(Jets throw an incomplete pass.)

UT

What the hell are Reid and them celebrating out there? You had literally nothing to do with that incompletion.

Capt Ron (to UT)

They were just so happy it was incomplete. Like Denver fans.

(Jets score a touchdown, lead 22-19.)

UT

LOL, nothing matters.

Vega

This defense has been abused in the second half.

By the Jets.

UT

Oh and not only did they not prevent the TD, they got dinged for an unsportsmanlike penalty too.

BFD

The defense has been disappointing at times all year, but this is straight up embarrassing.

Weston

I can’t believe the Jets actually threw the [kitten] ball this game

Capt Ron

Early whistles in the first quarter and they swallow the whistles in the fourth as the Jets have all day to push the pile into the end zone for a TD. Inconsistent officiating. Not that it matters with Houston playing like idiots.

Their first-round playoff exit might be a bigger blowout than the 30-0 shellacking KC handed them at the end of the 2015 season.

(Clemson Connection scores a touchdown, putting the Texans back in the lead 26-22. Hopkins potentially injures himself on the play.)

MDC

That catch. Holy [kitten].

Capt Ron

Hop with a great catch for a TD. Hope his lower leg is OK!

Jeremy

The drive ends in the end zone. Nuk TD, hobbled on the play.

BFD

We stop giving the ball to Alfred Blue, and good things happen. Who knew?

What a great [kitten]ing catch by HandClamps.

Weston

That was 2015 Cincinnati all over again

Vega

Everything awesome about that catch is overshadowed by the injury concern.

Weston

I had no idea the Jets had an air siren until this game and [KITTEN] I hate it

UT

Aaron Colvin, the guy who replaced Shareece Wright, made the stop.

I’ll repeat this because it’s VAGUELY IMPORTANT. The guy who kept the Jets from converting on fourth down was benched for SHAREECE [KITTEN]ING WRIGHT for reasons I can’t even begin to understand.

BFD

The announcers sound borderline suicidal.

(Texans score another field goal, lead 29-22.)

UT

Jets get the ball back and the announcers sound like they have hope in their hearts again.

[Kitten] these people.

(Texans win 29-22, go to 10-4 on the season with a possibility of getting a bye.)

Postgame Reactions:

BFD

What another stupid [kitten]ing game.

Capt Ron

It should feel better to be a fan of a team with 10 wins in the NFL.

Diehard Chris

I just finished the game on the DVR. I have one question. Is there ANY [KITTEN]ING SCENARIO at MetLife Stadium that doesn’t result in an air raid siren???

Capt Ron

It sounded like they hammered that horn non-stop throughout the game. How is that entertaining for the attending crowd? I assume it is only used for the Jets (and not the Giants), as if to suggest that there is an imminent threat from the sky to get the crowd pumped up. Honestly, I’d burn my season tickets if I had to live through more than one or two horn blasts per game.

Weston

I have no idea but it was preposterous. I felt like I was at a rap concert with the air horn going off after every song, which rules, but in this instance, the Jets deserve every bad thing to ever happen to them.

Game Balls:

Offense - DeAndre Hopkins, who got 10 receptions for 170 yards.

Defense - J.J. Watt was in the backfield all day with two sacks, a forced fumble, and 6 tackles on the afternoon.

Special Teams - Ka’imi Fairbairn, the true engine of this mighty offense, with five field goals.

Have a different opinion about who should get a game ball? Want to see your name lodged forever in the annals of the internet? That’s what comments are for. Get to it!