Hair of the Dog: Texans-Colts

This just felt like one of those games that the Texans would conceivably drop for vague yet dumb reasons, especially in the first half. But they didn’t.

For some reason, the Colts insisted on running the ball as much as the Texans did (and if they didn’t, it sure felt like it), which made this game all the more, well...weird; it seemed all the more like the Texans’ struggles would continue for a second consecutive game. But they didn’t.

Instead, the Colts made a bunch of mistakes, played some bad football, and the Texans threw some great haymakers to get a desperately needed divisional win over the one team that posed the biggest threat to the Texans’ postseason prospects. Houston won despite the sluggish start and it turned from a really boring game to a pretty intriguing one just on the lead changes alone.

Not only that, but the Texans got a badly needed win in a prime time game, which traditionally the Texans have not performed well in.

This team isn’t perfect, Bill O’Brien still makes questionable decisions (looking at you, timeout call at the end of the fourth quarter for no good reason), the defense is held together with baling wire and dreams, and don’t get me started on Ka’imi Fairbairn. But they do scrape, and that’s an admirable trait for a football team to have.

Enough of this waxing rhapsodic. Let’s get to the Dog.

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with the word “kitten” to make this thread safe to read at work. It is emotional labor that we don’t charge you for. It’s money we don’t get even though many SB Nation blogs take in a lot of traffic. But that’s a gripe for another day.

Enjoy!

PRE-GAME DISCUSSION:

Luke

I’m not on the road for the first time in two months so I can sit down. Drink a gallon of Arnold Palmer and watch the Texans get rolled and smoked.

[Kitten] Fox and Fox’s integrated advertising.

Weston

I;m drinking by myself watching Young Sheldon

Luke

Ain’t nothing more Texas than that.

BFD

There we go with running the ball.

FIRST QUARTER:

Weston

[Kitten] there is nobody there. Even Diehard Chris didn’t go to the game tonight.

Imagine running the ball on first down when you have Vernon Hargreaves staring right at you.

Luke

Just because you have run the ball well before doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take advantage against a horrific pass defense.

Weston

Holy [kitten] Indy is stupid

BFD

Texans against the run are 10th vs. the run, 25th vs. the pass. Shrug.

Nice sack by Martin there. Gotta love that speed.

Luke

Jacob Martin! The Clowney trade was worth it!

Diehard Chris

I’ll never go to another weeknight prime time game again in Houston. We left at 430 for a 730 kick from a place 22 miles away and didn’t get to our seats until halfway through the first quarter. This was MNF last year against Tennessee. Total nightmare. Never ever again.

BFD

”Teddy is a stunt bulldog.” <- I need to somehow integrate this into my headstone.

Weston

lol that’s absurd

Luke

Why are “meat lovers” classified as folks with Cowboy hats?

Weston

Martin has a legitimate chop rip move and Braden Smith has been worse this season. Someone did something.

Luke they’re either meat eaters or Lord Huron Fans

BFD

First down, Hyde up the middle, and there’s a hold on the play. Already in mid-game form.

Screen pass. /headdesk

Diehard Chris

Colts got pressure with a three man rush LOL

Weston

There’s some good Carlos Hyde success rate BFD

BFD

Yep. I mean, you can’t argue with the success rate. It’s just odd to see a guy with such a disparity between DVOA and success rate. It’s crazy.

Burnham

Outside run on 2nd and 10 is such a killer move

BFD

Helluva play by AJ Moore on the return.

Weston

Nick Martin is horrendous against the Colts. He can’t reach the defensive tackle at all on these outside zone plays.

Burnham

People in Madden don’t even call that play

Luke

Who calls a run play in Madden?

BFD

@Matt: Especially against a team with those LBs and Ss.

I do, Luke! Inside and outside zone all day. People aren’t used to it.

Burnham

People who are in it to win it LUKE

BFD

bfd methmouth.

[Kitten]! Nice play, Taiwan Jones.

Jeremy

SPECIAL TEAMSSSS

Luke

I play Madden like I’ve had my brain replaced with one of those old school pitching coaches who doesn’t believe in load management.The only appropriate amount of times to throw a game is nothing less that 60

Jeremy

i like the physicality we have tonight

Weston

Ninja Turtle [Kitten] Special Teams

UT

Andrew Luck just had a daughter and named her Lucy. She’s going to have to go through life names Lucy Luck. I...I think Andrew Luck might be an [kitten].

Jeremy

nice to know that we wouldve been stuck with jacoby brissett tonight even if luck stayed playing

Weston

I’m not going to complain, but the Colts have run an absolute dumb[kitten] game plan so far.

UT

Have they thrown to Hilton yet?

Luke

Those two PA Pass drop backs are looking straight at T.Y and the Texans look like they are dropping as many as they can to close any open windows for Brisett.

Brissett*

BFD

*Brisket

Burnham

I can’t remember the last time the Texans threw on 1st down

Luke

They’ve got to be near the bottom of the league in first down pass rate.

BFD

Good [Durga], what a catch.

Weston

So who do y’all think is going to establish the run first?

Luke

Nuk trying to get them to throw the flag is hilarious.

BFD

This playcalling...just so lacking.

Burnham

See it’s this [kitten] where they find themselves in 3rd and long

UT

Gasp, an inopportune false start? My stars.

Weston

Houston has a 126:170 Run-Pass first down ratio

Diehard Chris

Again - the Colts got pressure with a 3 man rush.

BFD

This team is most successful when Watson ad libs out of the pocket.

That should tell you EVERYTHING about the play calling.

Diehard Chris

The Colts should experiment with a two man rush

SECOND QUARTER:

Luke

Y’all remember Jordan Thomas? Whatever happened to him?

Weston

Darius Leonard trying to chase down Deshaun Watson as a spy is the best part of this game so far. I wonder how it’s going to change whenever Indy actually starts blitzing.

Burnham

Bill O’Brien has a run fetish

BFD

This play calling is dog [kitten]. On both sides.

Weston

I think they just brought Jordan Thomas off IR today. I liked it when he caught all the touchdown catches last year.

Burnham

Carlos Hyde is blackmailing Bill O’Brien

There’s no other explanation

Weston

There it is. They finally brought Leonard.

(TEXANS SCORE FIRST WITH FIELD GOAL. TEXANS LEAD 3-0.)

Weston

Matt III, O’Brien doesn’t need to be black mailed to run the football. He lives for it. It’s the air he breathes. It’s the greasy meat he consumes.

BFD

BOB grew up watching football in the 70s, and that’s how it’s always going to be played dagnabbit.

UT

I would think you’d be thrilled about that.

BFD

He called for a fair catch?

Did Indy not watch any tape?

UT

Do you suppose Reich is taking pity on us because the Texans are so banged up?

Or it’s more like they’re playing with their dinner.

BFD

Conley gave Hilton a 15 yard cushion.

UT

Crennel’s orders.

Weston

The Colts are literally bashing their head into the center of the best part of Houston’s defense

Their offensive gameplan is the scene in Hereditary where the kid slams his head into his desk in the middle of the class

BFD

1st and 20 and they ran the ball.

UT

Did any of y’all ever see that episode of Doctor Who where the Doctor would punch a stone wall, die, get reincarnated and keep hitting the wall until he punched through?

Why do I bring this up? No reason.

Burnham

Bill is loving that defensive possession because it means he will get better position for three runs and a field goal

UT

Cue sad NFL on FOX music.

Weston

Frank Reich is giving Bill O’Brien too many ideas

UT

BIG NUDE SATURDAY!

Weston

[KITTEN] THIS GAME

THURSDAY NIGHT [KITTEN]BALL

Burnham

This sucks

BFD

Well, that (INT) is exciting! I guess!

UT

Watching Joe Buck wish Troy Aikman a happy birthday is the most awkward thing I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen every moment of my life, so that’s saying something.

(WATSON THROWS A PICK TO THE COLTS.)

Weston

[KITTEN] YOU TROY. YOUR BIRTHDAY SUCKS [KITTEN].

BFD

I feel like it’s necessary to drive to Houston, go to the game, and streak. Maybe THAT will excite people!

Weston

It’s provocative. It gets the people going.

UT

I’m not sure you have the weightspeed to stay out there long enough to make it worthwhile.

BFD

Well, it IS cold in there!

Oh, wait, that’s not what you said.

Weston

I don’t know if this is true or not, but it looks like Indianapolis was sitting on Houston 1st and 10 play action slant routes.

BFD

They were. Moore had a much easier pick without the tip.

AND INDY COMES OUT AND RUNS THE BALL OMK!

UT

They’re playing with their dinner.

Burnham

How do you have Deshaun Watson and go 6 quarters without a touchdown

Weston

hey Matt III they lost 41-SEVEN last week not 41-0

BFD

I love Nyheim Hines. I do.

I think that’s six straight rushes.

Burnham

Now they can’t stop the run for their lives. Wow

(BRISSETT SCORES A TD. COLTS LEAD 7-3.)

UT

It begins.

Burnham

Imagine giving up a touchdown on a drive that didn’t consist of a single pass

Weston

I’m starting Hines in a fantasy league since you care and all so I LOVE him more

BFD

It’s amazing that so much of the Texans’ fan base still believes BOB is an OFFENSIVE SUPERGENIUS.

Weston

They scored 7 points last week because of Deshaun Watson BFD. It wasn’t Bill O’Brien’s fault.

BFD

Fuller stretching the field there.

I wish there was a script that did the Spongebob thing every time I typed.

”A nice game of four.” - Mediocrity rules!

UT

It’s the soft bigotry of low expectations.

BFD

Slot corner blitz DRINK!

UT

Deshaun Watson is going to get killed.

So I’m just going to ask it: Is anyone else expecting Will Fuller to injure himself again tonight?

BFD

OMK this [KITTEN]ING PLAYCALLING IS SO TRASH!

Weston

It’s been 2 years of Kenny Moore slot corner blitzes and Houston still isn’t ready for it

Burnham

Deshaun Watson’s pick was the worst thing to ever happen because now Bill O’Brien will run on first down for the rest of eternity with no hesitation

UT

To be fair, he was going to do that anyway.

BFD

I’m not going to finish this game because of either BOOOOOORINNG or dead from alcohol poisoning.

Weston

Well at least Troy Aikman is going to make his birthday dinner reservation

UT

Does Applebee’s take reservations?

Weston

It doesn’t. I tried. It ain’t no Texas Roadhouse.

BFD

Indy? You might want to cover #10.

(CLEMSON CONNECTION FOR THE DEEP-ISH TOUCHDOWN! TEXANS LEAD 10-7)

Burnham

That touchdown was set up by the run

Weston

LFG

[Durga] [kitten] finally throw the ball over 20 yards and attack the Colts’ secondary.

UT

And it wasn’t even to Fuller.

Burnham

I think it’s awesome that Texas Roadhouse is everywhere. Who woulda thought

BFD

Nobody who likes good food?

UT

Well it’s not a Texans game if Dylan Cole isn’t injured.

BFD

Well, Cole is out for the year. [Kitten]it.

Non-contact normally = real [kitten]ing bad.

UT

Again.

Weston

Roadhouse rules mr. borgouise. It’s the steak house of the proletariat and I’m throwing peanut shells all over your family tree.

UT

That’s Jimmy Mac’s Roadhouse.

Weston

I’ve waited a [kitten]ing month for that throw to Hopkins and it was worth it.

Burnham

Maybe he isn’t Michael Thomas after all

Kenneth L.

Dylan Cole knows his career is over

Diehard Chris

Buckle up for #EndOfHalfTexansDefense

UT

Just retire already Vinatieri.

Burnham

Oh what’s that? People thought the Texans wouldn’t give up points in the final minute and a half? That’s adorable.

UT

That TD to Hopkins was so [kitten] pretty.

They’re wimping out? That’s a surprise.

Burnham

This game is gonna be 19-17 just kill me now

(FIELD GOAL IS GOOD. GAME TIED 10-10)

Weston

Frank Reich and Bill O’Brien bring out the worst in each other

HALFTIME REACTIONS:

UT

It seems fitting for a 19-17 game, since this game so far feels like the friggin’ Battle of the Somme.

Weston

Can we get a FACEOFF photoshop of Bill O’Brien and Frank Reich? Please. My family is starving.

UT

I’ll get a man on it.

Weston

Football. It’s just a game. It’s not about wins and losses or points scored. It’s about what you make of it. End results are barbaric. It’s about what you want it to be. The real winner of this game is the team who has the most rushing yards, not the team with the most points.

UT

Maybe the real game is the friends we made along the way?

THIRD QUARTER:

Weston

Bill O’Brien really be like writing Frank Reich letters about running the ball in cutoff jeans on an island in Crete

BFD

”Top Five Rushing Attack.” 14th by DVOA.

UT

Um...Crete is an island.

Weston

that’s the joke!

UT

Fuller didn’t have a chance on that one.

Burnham

The first down runs are such a [Durga] [kitten] waste

Weston

Follow up a 40+ yard pass with a first down run that loses two yards

BFD

Hyde: 6 rushes for 15. JKK.

Burnham

Bill O’Brien doesn’t believe in playing four downs

UT

He’s going for it.

Weston

This game may actually be fun now.

Burnham

Wtf was that

UT

Da[kitten]?

BFD

Kitten! Love that they went for it. WTK was that play?

Weston

Looks like they were trying to hit Hopkins on a crossing route. No idea? They had been saving that Fells RPO for fourth down. INTERESTING.

Burnham

Colts don’t even need to throw it and they’re gashing the defense

Why the [kitten] do they play so far off

[Durga] man

Weston

Colts are really driving the first level. I take back everything bad I said about establishing the run .

BFD

The center of the field is open? You think?

Burnham

What a pathetic team

Colts are playing like it’s 1972 and it’s working 1000%

BFD

I am perplexed beyond words.

UT

Holy [kitten] this quarter has flown by.

Burnham

They’re literally not throwing lmao

How does this happen

Hahahahahaha

(COLTS RUN THE BALL FOR A TOUCHDOWN, LEAD 17-10)

UT

Nobody knows how to tackle apparently.

Burnham

It’s so unbelievably embarrassing

Weston

Well [kitten]

Hopefully Houston tries to throw back against it. Johnathan Joseph was wearing a turtle neck and reading the Sunday paper on that tackle.

Burnham

Throw back? I think you mean run for 4 yards on the 1st two downs with an incompletion on 3rd

4 is generous

Luke

Colts are literally going to run the ball to death aren’t they?

UT

GOT[kitten] THAT CATCH WAS GORGEOUS!

Weston

Johnathan Williams have lived a million lifetimes

Burnham

FOLLOW IT UP WITH A RUN FOR A LOSS

THIRD AND LONG

UT

I don’t think Watson can run.

Weston

BEAUTIFUL

I don’t think I’m watching another Texans game again without Will Fuller

1st & 10 run loses 1 yard

Burnham

Ahhh lovely chance for a field goal

Luke

HEY IT’S A WILL FULLER GAME

Burnham

I’m offended as a football fan to watch this disgraceful offensive game plan

(FIELD GOAL IS GOOD VIA RICOCHET. COLTS LEAD 17-13.)

UT

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Weston

When is Indy going to start playing 2 safeties deep????

Diehard Chris

[Kitten] all kickers

Weston

GO FOR IT

Burnham

Bill O’Brien is the one and only reason this team won’t make the playoffs

UT

Oh [kitten], not Mercilus too.

Weston

I’m going to learn how to use some sort of video editor, cut the All-22 from this game, and make halftime the dinosaur/birth of the universe scene in The Tree Of Life.

FOURTH QUARTER:

Weston

THAT’S WHY YOU ESTABLISH THE RUN

Last time these teams played Houston had 12 carries for 30 yards on first down. Can’t wait to hit the PFR game play finder tomorrow.

(CLEMSON CONNECTION FOR THE DEEP BOMB TOUCHDOWN. TEXANS LEAD 20-17)

UT

ALDSKFJA;LDGKHASD;LFAHFG;LASDJFA;FLDKGASD;LFKHG!!!!

Luke

What’s the count of PA plays per run attempt for this game?

Burnham

It’s almost like attacking the DBs works

Diehard Chris

Omfg DESHAUN BEAUTIFUL [KITTEN]ING BALL

Weston

[Kitten] yeah bro

Jeremy

oh my [kitten]

Luke

Nuk needed this game

and that was a [kitten] of a bucket throw.

Weston

Love when my football team let’s its best players do what they’re best at

Luke

Run like you’re not behind in the 4th quarter.

Burnham

McKinney down

Diehard Chris

Woo boy no McKinney is a problem

Oh he’s back thank the LAWD

Weston

omfg I love it

Luke

Hurry up into interior run is my jam

love telling my players go play faster only to run straight into where all of the opposing teams defense is.

UT

We’re going to win this game.

Weston

I think Houston does too.

Luke

Damm that’s two Hilton drops. This is a sign.

Jeremy

J JO P B U

Weston

That’s what Indy gets for playing run-run-pass instead of throwing the ball early on in the downs.

Luke

That’s what every team get’s for playing like that.

UT

Oh [kitten] BOB’s grinding the clock already, isn’t he?

Burnham

[Kitten] that’s like the 6th injury of this game.

Luke

OH YOU KNOW IT

Thrusday night games are career enders

Weston

CLOCK TIME

THE CHAMP IS HERE

Luke

Oof ouch owie,

Weston

I’m glad Houston’s offense has finally done what should have done last week, and this is a fun game now, and that they could rekindle some of that Atlanta magic.

UT

That looks like intentional grounding to me.

Burnham

Wtf is going on

UT

Can we go one series without someone getting injured?

Weston

Frank Reich loves killing the clock

UT

This is a rockfight.

Weston

I want it to end with a Vinateri missed field goal.

Luke

Frank Reich left it too late.

Weston

lmfao they called a timeout

This is the most Bill O’Brien kitten I’ve ever seen. I’m so happy to be on the other side of it.

Luke

Death by Run Establishment

UT

We might could win this game.

Burnham

No [kitten]ing way

I swear to [kitten]ing [Durga]

UT

Why. Why. Why. Why. Why. Why. Why. Why. Why. Why.

Weston

omfg

How do they not review this?

Weston

wtf is this?

(TEXANS WIN 20-17)

POSTGAME REACTIONS:

Burnham

‘Twas the night before Friday, where the defense was gassed

On one hand I can count the plays Reich called for a pass

The Texans are shot, their defense is worried

So the Colts chew the clock, not a single bit of hurry

Now all of its over, this ugly win was fun

We can all go to bed while Bill still tries to establish the run

Luke

I like to that during BOB and Reich handshake they both agreed that they could have done better that game.

GAME BALLS:

Offense - Let’s give this one to Will Fuller, who had a monster night after returning from the injured list. Welcome back, Will.

Defense - I’ll give this one to D.J. Reader for getting into the backfield last night.

Special Teams - I reject the premise.

So what say you, BRB faithful? Got someone you want to give a game ball to? Think we’re out of line about something or other? Let us have it in the comments!