Hair of the Dog: Texans-Bucs

Take a look at the site you’re on right now. No, not that one; how you haven’t gotten a virus off that website yet is beyond me. I mean Battle Red Blog, the site you, at least in theory, go to for Texans news and notes and occasionally a laugh or two. Go to the main page for a minute and count the ads you see before you come back here.

I did it a minute ago and I counted eight, and that’s not including the clickbait you see like “The 30 celebrities you thought were dead but were actually dead,” or the BRB Fanshop where you can buy Texans (and nominally, BRB) stuff. Now scan all the ads on this post. Again, I counted eight when I went to a random post on here.

You’ve seen 16 ads, highly lucrative ads, in order to read the high quality analysis, or my mind-numbing drivel, you come to expect from Battle Red Blog. These ads bring in millions of dollars to SB Nation’s parent company, Vox Media. Millions of dollars generated because fans like you come to the various sites to ignore the ads thrown in your face and read content created by fellow fans...who are frequently paid literally nothing for their time and effort.

You might think to yourself, “Yeah, and why should you get paid? This is a hobby for you.”

Sure. It’s a hobby for me, and for a lot of people who write on these various Vox sites, but imagine yourself engaging in a hobby you enjoy. It could be anything—woodworking, painting, playing video games, hatchet throwing, whatever. For this example, let’s say you take pictures for a hobby. Nothing fancy, just taking pictures of landscapes with old cameras and real film. You’re good at what you do and people enjoy looking at your photos; in fact, people like your photos so much a gallery offers to host an exhibition of your photos for a wider audience, an audience you’d never get on your own. You agree, and the exhibit happens, and the gallery sells your photographs for a large chunk of change...but you never see a dime of it.

How would you feel? You did the work. You put in the time and energy to create the photos you wanted to show, even though you’re not a professional. You did all that and you don’t get to enjoy the fruits of your labor because “It’s just your hobby” or “You’re getting so much exposure.”

Wouldn’t you be irritated that someone thousands of miles away is getting a paycheck for the work you did that they don’t even know exists in the first place? Sure as [kitten] I would. Sure as [kitten] I am. Not for myself, necessarily (cue the “Yeah, sure, UT” comments); if all SB Nation bloggers could be paid but it meant I’d have to step down for it to happen, I’d do it tomorrow. But there are writers out here, on BRB and throughout the blogosphere, who have greater ambitions than I do when it comes to sportswriting and sports analysis.

There are people on this site (and others too, I guess) that do genuinely exceptional work breaking down game film so that nimrods like me can understand it. There are writers on this site and other sites whose prose rivals that of the most seasoned sports columnists. They deserve a living wage for the labor they put out, regardless of whether it’s a labor of love or labor in pursuit of a dream job. If that labor is bringing in money, then it deserves to be compensated. That doesn’t happen here. Instead, they work “because they love the team” or “because it’s a hobby” or they “work for exposure;” the last one is particularly gross because it is one of those all-time great grifter terms when someone wants the benefit of another person’s labor but doesn’t want to pay money for it.

The writers of SB Nation generate content that brings in fans who see the ads that pay Vox Media handsomely and frequently pay nothing to the writers that make it all possible. It’s [kitten]y and it’s wrong.

I want to be clear that the statement above represents my views alone and do not necessarily reflect the views of the other writers of Battle Red Blog or other sites on Vox Media.

Now on to this week’s Dog.

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with the word [kitten] to make this safe to read at work. Why, exactly? Because I don’t want you to get fired any more than I do.

Enjoy!

PREGAME DISCUSSION:

bigfatdrunk

I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE DESHAUN WATSON’S PEACOCK FLY WHOOOOOO!!!!

UprootedTexan

On the wings of the peacock.

Do I need to bring back the Sarah McLachlan pic?

SB Nation should pay its bloggers.

Luke Beggs

Vox media should stop acting like not paying people a living wage because they are “doing something they love” is a excuse at all.

UprootedTexan

Everybody on NFL Network is picking the Texans to win today. We’re so [kitten]ed.

FIRST QUARTER

UprootedTexan

The Bucs elected to receive? That’s really weird.

Although the stadium sounds like it’s half empty so I guess it makes sense.

(TEXANS PICK OFF JAMEIS WINSTON’S FIRST THROW OF THE GAME. BRADLEY ROBY RUNS IT BACK FOR A TOUCHDOWN. TEXANS LEAD 7-0.)

TexanRevJ

Jameis strikes early

UprootedTexan

And they nearly get the ball back on the kickoff.

Vega

I’m finally able to participate in a HotD again! We moved a couple of weeks ago and cut the cord. It’s been an adventure making sure I can watch football.

Does that Pick 6 count as a first drive score?

UprootedTexan

(to Vega) I’ll allow it.

That’s probably a PI.

Matt Weston

[Kitten] I love Jameis so much. I’m so happy the weather looks good. Arians loves to challenge these. I love how grumpy he is.

UprootedTexan

You’d be grumpy too if you were the last living killer tomato.

But seriously, how is Bruce Arians always so red and not just constantly hospitalized?

Vega

As someone who is a Florida State fan and was a Bucs fan during the dark days between the Oilers and Texans, I hate Jameis. He’s a terrible human being.

Matt Weston

Don’t worry we are just getting started

(TEXANS PICK OFF WINSTON AGAIN, GET FLAGGED ON THE RETURN, NULLIFIES THE TOUCHDOWN. STILL TEXANS BALL.)

rivers mccown

omg it happened again

UprootedTexan

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Matt Weston

omfg

This is better than I could have ever imagined

UprootedTexan

My wife hates the living [kitten] out of him, like no other player in the league.

Vega

I blame O’Brien on that flag for not properly teaching his rookie DL how to block.

Jeremy Brener

oh we love this song

Matt Weston

I love him purely from a watching someone play insane and absurd football perspective, and yes there’s a complete disconnect between that, and who he is as a person.

UprootedTexan

This field goal will be phenomenal.

(FAIRBAIRN WITH THE FIELD GOAL. TEXANS LEAD 10-0.)

Kenneth L.

Wow I guess we will rely on the defense to score tds

Jeremy Brener

when have we ever been up multiple scores this early in a game before?

Vega

Somebody should do an analysis on the success rate of the first 15 scripted plays this season

Matt Weston

Can you drink in the boathouse? If so, I need to fly out to Tampa sometime.

TexanRevJ

I can’t believe we haven’t scored a touchdown on our first possession all season. BOB really sucks at scripting

TEXANS KICK OFF.

UprootedTexan

What does Jameis have in store for this drive?

Luke Beggs

You can Matt

UprootedTexan

Tackling is a thing, guys. Maybe you wanna attempt it?

Capt Ron

O’Brien hates touchdowns on first possessions. That opening pick six may be as good as it gets today. Also, where was the phantom penalty on the second pick six ?

Kenneth L.

If there is another interception they have to bench Winston

Woah that was a sick run

Luke Beggs

Holy [kitten] Jamies already has 2 INT’s?

UprootedTexan

Threw the first one on his first pass for a pick six.

Luke Beggs

Ha

UprootedTexan

This is making those first two picks feel like blind pigs and acorns.

(BUCS FIELD GOAL IS BLOCKED BY ANGELO BLACKSON! TEXANS GET THE BALL AT THE TEXANS’ 49.)

TEXANS BALL.

Jeremy Brener

this is the greatest special teams unit in texans history

angelo blackson for mvp

Kenneth L.

THIS GAME IS A SPOOF

TexanRevJ

Minus that long run, this is about the best start Houston could have asked for

Matt Weston

THAT’S AFC SPECIAL TEAMS PLAYER OF THE MONTH ANGELO BLACKSON TO YOU

UprootedTexan

A run up the middle by Hyde that goes nowhere. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before.

Capt Ron

The Tampa kicker got rolled like a Black Friday doorman.

Kenneth L.

The kicker got wrecked

Matt Weston

Ok that settles it Luke. I’m going to Florida next year and hitting the Trop, the steakhouse, and Raymond James.

ESTABLISH THE RUN against the best run defense in football

Kenneth L.

Random but necessary - what two divisions do we play next year?

Capt Ron

North and North

UprootedTexan

What Ron said.

Vega

Just a little offside

BoB never saw a first down he didn’t want to run

Capt Ron

“Hey O’Brien, you are facing the best run defense in the league. What will you do?”

OB: “Simple! Run up the middle.”

Vega

Texans are getting the benefit of calls today

(TEXANS LINE UP TO KICK A FIELD GOAL BUT INSTEAD THEY PUNT THE BALL WHEN SNAPPED.)

UprootedTexan

What the [kitten] was that?

Luke Beggs

What the [kitten] was that?

Matt Weston

This is a completely stupid and terrible Bill O’Brien game plan.

Hereeeeeeeeee’s Jameis

UprootedTexan

Is it better or worse if that was a planned play?

Luke Beggs

Conley continuing the age old tradition of not being a Texans DB who turns his head.

Matt Weston

Gareon Conley gets beat on nearly every play, and saves himself by playing the ball. He’s just a better version of Shareece Wright.

UprootedTexan

We don’t need much more than that...I guess.

[Kitten].

Capt Ron

Mercilus should change his last name to “Meaningless.”

Luke Beggs

The Texans aren’t winning this game, the Bucs are losing

Matt Weston

The Texans are one of the worst teams at covering running backs. That conversion to Ogunbowale

Gareon Conley is fortunate, and isn’t very good folks.

Luke Beggs

Holy [kitten] that was two throws that should have been TD’s

Kenneth L.

Our secondary is aggressively anxious

(BUCS KICK A FIELD GOAL. TEXANS LEAD 10-3.)

Vega

You guys are like 2 minutes ahead of my feed

Kenneth L.

Same

rivers mccown

if you pull up the next gen stats all-22 dots feed you are literally a play ahead

BUCS KICKOFF.

UprootedTexan

How about that, Hyde gained TWO WHOLE YARDS on that run up the middle.

Matt Weston

(to Rivers) ooooooo i love the dots

Vega

Hey first down run!

Capt Ron

Establish the run. At all costs, including the game itself, establish the run. Stubborn SOB.

UprootedTexan

ESTABLISHING RUN...PLEASE STAND BY...

SECOND QUARTER

UprootedTexan

SB Nation should pay its bloggers.

His name is Watson, Rich, NOT WINSTON.

(DUKE JOHNSON FUMBLES. BUCS RECOVER.)

Capt Ron

Watson scrambles for a 1st down...

OB: “Hey let’s stick with running the ball. We get first downs that way.”

Run play leads to fumble turnover....

Vega

Hey, first down run!

Matt Weston

Watson out ran every member of the Bucs defensive line on scramble. These are normal things from him that no one has done before.

(TEXANS INTERCEPT WINSTON’S FIRST PASS ON THE DRIVE. TEXANS’ BALL!)

Vega

This game is stupid.

Luke Beggs

Oh [kitten] we’re in [kitten]

Kenneth L.

Chris Clark sitting on the ground is such a style play

I’m really two minutes behind

Matt Weston

hahahahah holy [kitten]

UprootedTexan

ESTABLISHING RUN...PLEASE STAND BY...

Vega

Hey, first down run!

Capt Ron

Texans defense with 3 interceptions and 10 points.

Texans offense without even participation trophies so far.

Luke Beggs

OH [KITTEN] STOP RUNNING

Matt Weston

This is unbelievable

Luke Beggs

JUST STOP PLEASE

Kenneth L.

GET CHRIS CLARK OUT IF THIS GAME

Luke Beggs

This is going to be the game that breaks Winstons career

Matt Weston

Bill O’Brien must be stopped

Kenneth L.

IM GOING TO RIOT

Matt Weston

Luke, Winston doesn’t have a conscious. Nothing can break him. He’ll come right back out next series doing the same thing.

Luke Beggs

Oh I know he won’t break

Will Brucey boy break is the real question?

Vega

Let’s hope so, Matt. That might be the only thing that keeps us in this game

Kenneth L.

Nick Martin yikes bro

Matt Weston

Vea just turned Martin into veal.

UprootedTexan

(to Weston) Bruce won’t break so much as explode if the redness is any indication.

Matt Weston

Naw, they’re just going to keep throwing it deep. He did this with Ryan Lindley even. I do think Winston is their best option next season. They have a great front seven, their secondary are babies but they’re talented and a lot of their coverage issues stem from letting receivers run free, Winston’s sack rate has dropped, and is the perfect quarterback for this offense. It really depends on if he can throw like 12 interceptions a year instead of 26.

Capt Ron

Nick Martin snapped the ball and immediately started painting his nails and whistling.

(BUCS FUMBLE THE FOOTBALL. TEXANS RECOVER.)

Luke Beggs

OH [KITTEN]

Kenneth L.

STOP THIS MADDNESS

Vega

This game remains stupid

Jeremy Brener

this game has had one too many mimosas

UprootedTexan

This is the stupidest game I’ve ever seen and we’re only about 1/3rd of the way through.

Luke Beggs

HERE COMES THE RUN PLAY

UprootedTexan

ESTABLISHING RUN...PLEASE STAND BY...

Matt Weston

The flowers in my carpet starting blooming, my walls are laughing at me, polar bears are crawling down from my ceiling fan.

Capt Ron

Texans’ offense getting showered with gifts from the defense, but O’Brien just stubbornly hands them back.

UprootedTexan

ESTABLISHING RUN...PLEASE STAND BY...

bigfatdrunk

I thought this game would give us a turnover or two, but LOL?

UprootedTexan

ESTABLISHING RUN...PLEASE STAND BY...

Vega

Hey, first down run!

bigfatdrunk

8-16 for Hyde. What a waste of Watson.

Vega

You mean Winston

UprootedTexan

Is there a difference?

Kenneth L.

The Bucs offense is a glass cannon

Luke Beggs

The problem is it will fire eventually

This can’t happen all game

Jeremy Brener

FELLS

bigfatdrunk

Hyde has 16 rushes with 10 minutes left in the second. Waste.

Capt Ron

I seem to recall an Oilers defensive coordinator punching the offensive coordinator on the sidelines once. I’d welcome that repeat performance today for the Texans.

Matt Weston

Someone explain this glass cannon thing to me.

pllleaaasseee

UprootedTexan

Two differences though: 1) Romeo Crennel is a teddy bear who wouldn’t do that. 2) If he did, there’d be nothing left of Tim Kelly afterward.

(to Weston) What would happen if you loaded gunpowder and a cannonball into a cannon made of glass and fired it?

It explodes, sending glass shards everywhere, including at the people firing the cannon.

(CARLOS HYDE WITH THE RUSHING TOUCHDOWN. TEXANS LEAD 17-3.)

UprootedTexan

RUN ESTABLISHED...RUN IS NOW OPERATIONAL.

Capt Ron

Speaking of glass cannons, Will Fuller (groin) is questionable to return.

Matt Weston

Ahhhhh ok ok ok ok I got it.

TEXANS KICKOFF.

Vega

I think “Will Fuller is Questionable” is his new legal name

Capt Ron

Nobody wants to eat a “W” today.

Wow! A 3rd-down stop by Houston? Cherish this rare moment.

Vega

Hey, first down run!

Sorry, just getting ready

UprootedTexan

Eisen: Join Bill Winston, Cris Winston, and me, Rich Winston as we break down the top 100 players in NFL history.

BUCS PUNT.

Vega

There it is

Hey, first down run!

UprootedTexan

Roderick Johnson got his lunch eaten.

Capt Ron

RT is a big liability for Houston.

Matt Weston

THE CLAW ARRRRRRR

UprootedTexan

Pro-Bowl Tackle Laremy Tunsil with the hold.

TEXANS PUNT.

Matt Weston

The refs are out to get me!!!!!

UprootedTexan

Oh [kitten] you ref, he had that.

Oh whatever he should’ve been given credit for that.

Capt Ron

How is Reid not in the Pro Bowl?!!

UprootedTexan

CHALLENGE THAT.

Capt Ron

“Refs are blind.”

/check

(TEXANS CHALLENGE RULING THAT PERRIMAN CAUGHT A DEEP BALL. CALL IS OVERTURNED.)

Matt Weston

Gareon Conley and Breshad Perriman are playing tag, and Conley is always IT.

bigfatdrunk

BOB won a challenge??? Oh, look, airborne pig.

Capt Ron

Basketball player in Tampa gets off couch and ravages Texans with a deep reception at the 2-minute warning.

Matt Weston

This game is so far from over. TB has comeback from these circumstances all season long.

bigfatdrunk

Best secondary in the NFL.

Capt Ron

O’Brien doesn’t know what to do with a lead in any game.

(BUCS RUSHING TOUCHDOWN. TEXANS LEAD 17-10.)

Luke Beggs

Yeah Matt’s right, the Bucs will score 5 TD’s but also give the ball away 5 times

It’s your job to put the game out of their reach before they start figuring kitten out

Capt Ron

One-possession score. Now O’Brien is in more comfortable territory.

bigfatdrunk

Really missing McKinney on the TD run.

Hyde still has time for 20 more carries for 40 yards in this game!

BUCS KICK OFF.

Vega

Hey, first down run!

Capt Ron

These inside runs are ruining my weekend vibe. Screw Bill O’Brien.

UprootedTexan

BOB to us: See, this is why we I run the ball on first down.

Vega

He’ll never call a pass again

Matt Weston

It would be cool if they threw the ball downfield against a team that’s bad at stopping deep throws

Luke Beggs

My brain’s melting

UprootedTexan

But we don’t have Fuller anymore, that means anything beyond 10-15 yards no longer exists.

And we’ll never throw a deep ball again today.

bigfatdrunk

What a [kitten]ing [kitten] drive.

(TEXANS PICKED OFF ON A DEEP BALL. BUCS’ BALL)

Luke Beggs

Hey Matt, what do you want for Christmas?

Matt Weston

This is all I want, and all I have ever wanted.

Vega

That was a bad throw

bigfatdrunk

Wow, what a poorly played ball by Stills.

Luke Beggs

Even more than a Week 17 AFC Title game?

Matt Weston

This is all setting itself up for the AFCS Title game, so it all balances itself out.

Capt Ron

Another unprepared offensive unit by Bill O’Brien. Another [kitten] show in play calling and poor execution, being barely saved by gifts from Tampa.

bigfatdrunk

I’m so happy we traded Clowney.

Vega

Was just thinking it would be nice to have a pass rusher

UprootedTexan

The only reason we’re saying this is because BOB has it in for Barkevious Mingo.

(BUCS TD. GAME TIED AT 17.)

Luke Beggs

WE ARE TIED AT THE HALF BABY

Diehard Chris

Yeeesssss we are gonna get the stupid game we deserrrrrve

UprootedTexan

This is without a doubt the dumbest [kitten] game I’ve ever seen; and given Texans history, that is a rich tapestry of weird dumbness.

bigfatdrunk

Best secondary in the world.

TexanRevJ

The Texans are 100% losing this game

Capt Ron

I’m starting to hope the Texans get blown out today and crushed next week and miss the playoffs so we can finally see O’Brien get fired. He’s far too incompetent.

Vega

How is it at all possible to have five takeaways and not have a lead

Matt Weston

I’m printing this Winston first half box score, placing it in a locket, and wearing it around my neck for the rest of my life.

HALFTIME REACTIONS:

UprootedTexan

Do you mean Winston or Watson, Big Matt?

Vega

84 [kitten]ing yards of offense

UprootedTexan

Offer up your halftime reactions to this, the dumbest of games.

bigfatdrunk

It’s not a dumb game, unless you are talking about BOB. This is exciting!

UprootedTexan

Also, SB Nation should pay its bloggers.

Luke Beggs

a living wage

Matt Weston

Houston has run the ball on 10/13 first downs for 21 yards

Luke Beggs

Has any team ever won a game after 4 turnovers?

It’s got to have happened right?

Kenneth L.

Is will fuller out?

UprootedTexan

Probably. If he’s questionable I doubt we’ll see him again today.

Kenneth L.

I hate people

Matt Weston

Personally, this is the best five week stretch of Texans watching I’ll ever have. Tennessee, Tampa Bay, Tennessee, probably Buffalo, maybe Baltimore. [Kitten] I love it, [Kitten] I can’t wait to watch Josh Allen in a hour.

bigfatdrunk

It’s games like this why the Texans aren’t going anywhere with BOB at the helm.

Matt Weston

It’s happened four times Luke.

Pro-Football-Reference.com

Team Game Finder Query Results | Pro-Football-Reference.com

****this season

THIRD QUARTER

Luke Beggs

The Niners won it with 5

Vega

Hey, not a first down run!

Look at that. Give Watson a chance to get in a rhythm and good things happen

Matt Weston

lmao. They’re doing the things they should have done in the first half.

Vega

Well, that was fun while it lasted

bigfatdrunk

Sigh. Hyde up the middle. No concept of success.

GO.

Kenneth L.

No kick the [kitten] field goal

UprootedTexan

This offense looks like gibberish in neutral.

Kenneth L.

Yikes. That was close

Capt Ron

It’s still amazing to me how the Texans manage to complete passes short of the first down on 3rd-downs. Is it route running? Play calling? A curse?!!

Kenneth L.

Cmon Watson......

Vega

Watson’s not on target today

Diehard Chris

I’m glad we went for it on fourth. But. Why do we even have a kicker.

Vega

Something wrong with his leg

bigfatdrunk

Something clearly wrong with Watson.

Capt Ron

Delay of game

UprootedTexan

I don’t like this.

bigfatdrunk

Y’all, I’m worried.

Capt Ron

Houston lost their last franchise QB on this field in Tampa. Let’s not repeat that nightmare.

Matt Weston

please don’t say this ron

Diehard Chris

(to Weston) He spoke it into the world.

Vega

Hey, first down run!

Jeremy Brener

matt leinart was injured the last time we played here wow

Kenneth L.

This offense

Jeremy Brener

wait no it wasnt leinart

Matt Weston

He is the truth. The universe came into existence when he took his first breath.

(TEXANS KICK A FIELD GOAL, LEAD 20-17.)

bigfatdrunk

Watson’s accuracy is going to suffer.

Matt Weston

Watson ain’t hearing any of it from O’Brien either. My quarterback.

Vega

That’s my quarterback

TEXANS KICK.

Capt Ron

Does anyone in Florida attend NFL games anymore? All three teams’ stadiums have massive areas empty and tarp covered.

Vega

Too much else to do in Florida and all the teams have been mediocre to terrible for years

UprootedTexan

Sigh...

Vega

Texans tackling has been brutal

Matt Weston

ole jameis is getting wiiiiiiild

Vega, which Florida team is your favorite? Have you ever met a Bucs fan? I don’t believe they exist.

UprootedTexan

SB Nation should pay its bloggers a living wage.

Luke Beggs

Tampa’s a Lightning town

Vega

(to Weston) I went to high school in Miami during the Marino days so I have a soft spot for them. Also love the Bucs (but not today).

There are lots of Bucs fans. What’s missing is Jags fans. I’ve lived in Florida for years and have met maybe.

Might have been the same guy in different shirts

Luke Beggs

Jags fan are localized to in Jacksonville and nowhere else.

UprootedTexan

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL

Capt Ron

Ah [kitten]! McCarron is warming up on the sidelines. Let’s leave O’Brien in Tampa after this game. I hate both of them!

Vega

Jacksonville’s not really part of Florida. It’s like our Dallas

Luke Beggs

I would have thought Tallahassee is more of your Dallas since it’s so far out of the way.

Capt Ron

Tallahassee is a trailer park posing as a state capitol.

(BUCS KICK A FIELD GOAL. GAME TIED AGAIN, 20-20.)

Vega

Panhandle is cool though, with Panama City and big Air Force presence

Luke Beggs

Yeah Pensacola’s really cool

Capt Ron

Panama City and Pensacola are legit

Luke Beggs

I’d give a limb to go back to those beaches.

Matt Weston

lol the same guy in different shirts.

BUCS KICKOFF.

UprootedTexan

Grape job Martin.

Great job missing that unnecessary roughness call there, ref.

Kenneth L.

Wait Greg mancz is in

Matt Weston

Mancz is in for Fulton?

Kenneth L.

Yeah

UprootedTexan

I hate this offensive line.

bigfatdrunk

ACTING!

Kenneth L.

Reminder that Mancz was responsible for three sacks in the one game he played this year

Capt Ron

Man with 3 fingers racking up sacks for Tampa. Meanwhile Mercilus is still on a milk carton.

Kenneth L.

I just lost my stream

Matt Weston

This isn’t a hot take. Tunsil gives up on too many blocks to be the best left tackle in the football.

Capt Ron

Lost your stream? How old are you, Kenneth? That normally doesn’t happen until well into the 80’s

FOURTH QUARTER:

bigfatdrunk

Best secondary in history.

UprootedTexan

Dress rehearsal for [kitten], boys and girls.

Matt Weston

They beat the Patriots! I’m just here for the triple crown. Hopefully Mercilus gets credited for the sack here.

UprootedTexan

ESTABLISHING THE RUN...PLEASE STAND BY...

Vega

Hey, first down run!

bigfatdrunk

Carlos. Hyde. Up. The. Middle.

UprootedTexan

BAD WORDS! BAD WORDS ON TV!

Jeremy Brener

To quote the great WR named DeAndre: “Let’s [kitten] go!”

UprootedTexan

I’m getting worried about Watson, he really doesn’t look right.

Matt Weston

Yeassss Mercilus was credited with a sack

UprootedTexan

ESTABLISHING THE RUN...PLEASE STAND BY...

And now Stills is limping too.

bigfatdrunk

It still shocks me that people think BOB is good.

(TEXANS KICK A FIELD GOAL, LEAD 23-20.)

Matt Weston

I vote Houston never plays in Tampa Bay again. These are cursed grounds for those sailors.

Kenneth L.

I vote for the Jags to trade for Winston

Like this message if you would remove your hamstring and give it to Will Fuller if he was able to play a 16 game season

UprootedTexan

I would but I don’t think he’d want it. It’s not a very good hamstring.

They’re going to blow this aren’t they?

Vega

I’m too old to give up hamstrings

Yes, UT. Yes they are

Jeremy Brener

zach cunningham with the heads up play

(BUCS TURNOVER ON DOWNS. TEXANS BALL AT THE HOU 42 yard line.)

UprootedTexan

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Kenneth L.

They are roasting the Texans on second down

Diehard Chris

LOOOOOLOLOLOOlolololllllloo

AMAAAAZIIIING

Matt Weston

The Bucs never learned their lesson from their loss against Tennessee

Kenneth L.

IM BEHIND

Vega

HAHAHAHAHAHA

UprootedTexan

Prepare to laugh Kenneth.

Vega

just caught up

Diehard Chris

SO VERY BUCS

Kenneth L.

I just physically threw my phone behind the couch and on the ground

You can remove this from the thread if you want, but this game is like huffing paint out of the can

UprootedTexan

NO BISCUIT FOR YOU BRUCE! No, seriously, I’m worried about your sodium intake.

Again, I hate this offensive line.

Capt Ron

I think it would just make sense to replace all the OL with skill players instead of giving Watson a false sense of hope

bigfatdrunk

Processing, the Arians’ play calling was really odd, especially for him.

Kenneth L.

Hm I’ll have to review that sack. I’m not sure who that is on

Matt Weston

4th down was great, and Leftwich calls the plays, but TB has run on third and short all game and all season.

bigfatdrunk

Oh, right.

Vega

BRUUUUTAL spot

UprootedTexan

The [kitten], ref?

Matt Weston

Joe Thomas loves setting up manageable third downs by taking a sack on first down. Cleveland diseased his brain.

UprootedTexan

Tunsil is hurt now.

And now the Bucs are calling timeout. My head is full of [kitten].

Diehard Chris

Thomas and Burelson are a LOT to stomach

Kenneth L.

Ugh

Vega

The game got normal for a bit. Time to re-establish the dumb

Diehard Chris

Thomas says nothing and makes horrible jokes. Burelson is just so dramatic

bigfatdrunk

We definitely got the C level announcers.

UprootedTexan

One of them is obsessed with momentum and it’s really irritating.

Diehard Chris

Wtf O’Brien

Kenneth L.

Stupid time out

UprootedTexan

Also, what the [kitten] did I just watch here?

Matt Weston

Jameis has infected the entire country with insanity

Bruce just goatsied Bill

Vega

Anybody feel comfortable here?

Matt Weston

Hahahaha omfg

The Texans have one play in the situation and Bruce folded them out of it

Diehard Chris

LOLOL right on cue Burelson with ridiculous dramatic commentary

bigfatdrunk

HAHA! I thought of you, Diehard.

UprootedTexan

Two minutes to madness.

Vega

Absolutely ANYTHING can happen in the next two minutes

Jeremy Brener

bruce arians has made BOB-esque clock management mistakes here

UprootedTexan

Honestly, if a bear on a unicycle were to roll onto the field and go the length of the field while juggling chainsaws I would not blink.

bigfatdrunk

I don’t think they called a TO there, though, did they? The play stopped because of the injury.

Vega

The most shocking thing that could happen here is a 3 and out and then a kneel down

Make that 4 and out.

Matt Weston

Is that blood in my mouth? No that’s an AFC South week 17 Championship Game.

UprootedTexan

Cancel the APB for Whitney Mercilus. We found him.

Jeremy Brener

WHITTTT

Luke Beggs

JAMEIS STOP IT

Jeremy Brener

I would just like to point out that Breshad Perriman went to UCF.

(TEXANS INTERCEPT THE BALL!)

bigfatdrunk

Perriman is hurting, too.

Jeremy Brener

JAHLEEL!!!

UprootedTexan

This is how the game had to end.

Luke Beggs

HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

bigfatdrunk

[KITTEN]IT.

Vega

That’s makes more sense

bigfatdrunk

I wanted the big game next week.

UprootedTexan

Jahleel Addae bookends the game with a pick.

Kenneth L.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

UprootedTexan

ESTABLISHING THE RUN...PLEASE STAND BY...

Kenneth L.

UNBELIEVABLE

Matt Weston

AHHHHHHHHHHHH

Kenneth L.

STOLE YOUR COOKIES

Matt Weston

Life can be so square and so perfect sometimes.

Capt Ron

LMAO. Winston should walk over and hand O’Brien the banner for the AFC South and a bag of crab legs. It’s the only gift remaining on the day.

Luke Beggs

Bill O’Brien is always going to win these kinds of games isn’t he?

UprootedTexan

SB Nation should pay its bloggers a living wage.

bigfatdrunk

Hyde has 29 yards on 16 rushers. Not even two per carry, yet...

(to Luke) Yep.

Capt Ron

O’Brien’s eventual headstone should read:“23-20! Nobody owned one-possession scores more in the history of football.”

Vega

Still not comfortable

TEXANS PUNT. BUCS BALL AT THE THREE YARD LINE.

Vega

Still not comfortable

(TEXANS WIN 23-20.)

HOUSTON TEXANS - 2019 AFC SOUTH CHAMPIONS!

UprootedTexan

GLORY TO MOTHER HOUSTON!

Vega

Still not comfortable

bigfatdrunk

What a stupid game.

Kenneth L.

I hate people

Diehard Chris

Division chaaaaampssss

I’ll never be mad about road wins

Kenneth L.

Can anyone name an uglier win

Vega

Gonna need more commitment here, Chris

Diehard Chris

But yeah we all know how this story ends. Again.

Luke Beggs

My girlfriend just told me that the Jags are doing by one get one free on tickets for the last two games of the season, who wants to go pay 30 bucks and watch the Jags?

Matt Weston

I hope these t-shirts aren’t ugly.

GAME BALLS

Offense - Let’s go a little off kilter here and give it to Darren Fells. He’s underappreciated as a tight end and we’ll just say that here at HotD, we appreciate him.

Defense - Jameis Winston was without a doubt the best player on the Texans defense.

Special Teams - Angelo Blackson is the Texans’ special teams MVP and will always be so.

Got anything to add about the Texans’ division clinching win against Tampa? Criticism of the team or anything else? That’s what the comments are for, y’all. Have at ‘em!

Also, from all of us at Hair of the Dog studios (me), have a merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah, happy Kwanzaa, Saturnalia, whatever the [kitten] you celebrate, I hope it’s a good one for you.