HAIR OF THE DOG Week 4: L.A. Chargers vs. Houston Texans

Saturday morning cartoons. For those of us who belong to a slightly older demographic, those words bring up some great memories. Sitting in front of a TV and watching animated cartoons from 7-11(ish) in the morning was the highlight of many a week growing up. Back in the days when network TV dominated the airwaves, Saturday mornings were designed for kids (and as a massive help for parents who may have wanted to sleep in and/or not directly deal with their off-spring). Chief among those cartoons were the constant re-runs of the classic Looney Tunes cartoons. Many a kid would see the exploits of Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Coyote vs. Roadrunner, Sylvester vs. Tweety Bird, etc. Good times.

Now, you might be asking yourselves, “What the [KITTEN] does the idea of Saturday morning cartoons and Bugs Bunny have to do with the Houston Texans?” Well, the short answer is “More than you would think.” Take this more recent game. Since that glorious Week 1 tie, which does seem like an ending out of a Bugs Bunny cartoon to start, the Texans keep putting forth new and brilliant idea, ala the Coyote trying to catch the Roadrunner, or Sylvester trying to finally get over on Tweety Bird/Speedy Gonzalez. Like all of those ideas, brilliant and intriguing as they seem at first, they almost always come to naught. Thus, we have the Texans, who actually scored points in the 4th quarter, but somehow, they once again came up short against another opponent.

As you might have suspected, the theme of Looney Tunes is interspersed within the thoughts of the masthead as we had our takes on the latest loss by Houston against the Los Angeles Chargers, from whatever part of California they want to claim as home base for TV ratings and advertising dollars. As per usual, all swear/questionable words have been replaced so that you can read this at the office with few concerns about running afoul of corporate internet policy.

With that, on to the ‘Dog:

Patrick

Just saw the Commanders are in all black uniforms today (including helmets). They look so incredibly boring.

Makes me wonder how boring an all-black Texans uniform would be.

l4blitzer

Not much more exciting than their play

bigfatdrunk

We are subjected to Davis Mills every week. The last thing we need is MOAR BORING.

Patrick

I think there’s a Chargers fan here in the bar. We might have problems.

Counterpoint: what better way to set expectations?

The casino near me just opened their brand new sports book. I’m itching to go and watch the Texans lose there.

bigfatdrunk

Announce the entire starting offensive lineup?

Patrick

Oh sure if you’re gonna bring THAT up.

Ugh, political ads.

l4blitzer

‘Tis the season for partisan messaging…fa lalalala, ah la la la

Patrick

Let’s kick this pig.

A CHUMing we will go, a CHUMing we will go, hi ho, oh [DURGA] no, a CHUMing we will go. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL That was the most Davis Mills interception I’ve ever seen.

That’s soooooo Davis.

corydlg

Timeout on the first 3rd down?

Patrick

Texans running like a well-oiled sandbox again today.

[Mills picking up right where he left off last week. INT for the Chargers]

corydlg

Not saying it’ll matter but isn’t it a little short sighted for the chargers to just dress two QBs?

Patrick

That was fast.

bigfatdrunk

Are we playing in JAX? The Texans are going to need to buy a lot of tarp for the rest of the year.

Patrick

I thought that was kind of common practice with some teams. Or maybe Herbert is healthier than we thought?

corydlg

If qb1 is healthy, 2 is fine. But Herbert isn’t healthy, or maybe he is

Patrick

The Jags are looking really bitey. And you know what? Good for them, they finally get their one good year per decade if it’s true.

[Chargers cash in on the Mills INT. Herbert 18 yard TD pass to Everett. Not San Diego 7 - Houston 0; 12:00 1st Qtr]

Patrick

Pieeeeeeeeeeeeeerce.

l4blitzer

Harris sounds like he is about to cry talking about the Texans’ offensive ineptitude.

Patrick

Can’t say as I blame him either.

Levy

This is going to be ugly

[Texans possession]

Patrick

Glory to all pass-interference offense.

Even if I’m not sure that was a penalty.

corydlg

You’re so far ahead of me lol I’m streaming on [DURGA] awful Paramount+

l4blitzer

Ware talking about glove colors…whoo, this gonna be a tough game

Patrick

Good job hanging onto the ball by Schreck there.

corydlg

Holding on our one good play Lolol

bigfatdrunk

Davis Mills is just so kittening bad. Terrible.

Levy

Op we are going backwards

bigfatdrunk

Awful.

l4blitzer

(Chargers) GLORY TO ALL OFFENSIVE HOLDING DEFENSE!!!

Patrick

4th and 31, just outstanding.

Levy

The Texans game is on the third TV. Leeds game is on the primary. Ravens/Bills on the second

[Texans surprisingly decide to not go for it on 4th and 31. Chargers Possession]

Patrick

As it should be, Levy.

l4blitzer

…and that’s why Cashman is mainly a special teams guy…

Patrick

Got a stop at least.

FWIW.

Kick catch interference, easy.

l4blitzer

Hmm…could it be that the Texans defense is getting so mad at the offense that they are taking it out on the Chargers offense? I would be in favor of that.

Patrick

I know I would be. I could see them getting so pissed they try to drive Herbert into the center of the earth.

[Texans possession and the Chargers gift them a 15 yard kick interference penalty]

l4blitzer

Awww. Pierce experiences his 1st CHUM…he’s growing up so fast with the Texans (sniff, sniff)

bigfatdrunk

32 teams did not think Metchie was a 1st round pick. Look, I get it, these announcers are hard up for material, but my goodness.

corydlg —

[DURGA], is Pierce the only thing we have AT ALL?

l4blitzer

…and Pierce overcomes the curse of the CHUM.

Patrick

Well him and Cooks but it sure feels like it.

l4blitzer

Whoa…a Mills completion…to someone wearing the same color jersey??? This bears watching.

GLORY TO ALL PERSONAL FOUL OFFENSE!!!!

Patrick

Jags up 14-0 over the Eagles. What fresh [KITTEN] is this?

l4blitzer

Isn’t that like part of the 3rd seal from Revelations or something like that?

Patrick

Mark off your “Laremy Tunsil false start” square on your bingo card.

No, I think that’s still if the Lions are good, like Super Bowl good.

l4blitzer

Ah…that would be the 3rd bowl…ok. Sometimes I get my translations off…

Patrick

Oh I hope like [KITTEN] someone got a piece of that kick because I’d hate to think that was unaffected.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

corydlg

Burkhead? This play calling is “awesome”

[Fairbairn finally comes back to earth with a missed FG. Still not the San Diego Chargers 7 - Still the Houston Texans 0; 2:19 1st Qtr]

Levy

Ooooooof

This team hurts

Patrick

Please tell me someone got a finger on it.

corydlg

To make that kick Fairburn would need to turn 90 degrees to his right lol

Jeremy

what was that???

Patrick

Because if that was all Fairbairn, that should end him as a Texan.

It was college football level kicking.

Un-real.

l4blitzer

Ah, that is the 3rd down defense we’ve all come to know and love for the Texans

[Chargers Possession]

Patrick

And it’s only been one quarter.

Levy

They are gashing us

[End of the 1st Quarter. San Dieg…er, Los Angeles Chargers 7 - Houston Texans 0]

Patrick

They’re the Los Angeles Chargers of San Diego.

l4blitzer

Serious, they need to rename the team. Fans will still be calling them the San Diego Chargers for at least the next 25 years as long as they keep that nickname.

bigfatdrunk

So many missed tackles. This defense is so bad.

l4blitzer

So BFD, you’re not a fan of the “El Matador” defense???

bigfatdrunk

Heh. The only two fans of the El Matador are Owens and Pitre. Gotta pad those stats!

Patrick

Texans:

One play too soon.

bigfatdrunk

HAHAAHAHAHAHAAHHA OM[D] this team blows kitten.

Patrick

Is it too early to get drunk?

I think it might be a requirement for this game.

[Chargers decide to run the football in the red zone. Ekeler with a 10 yard TD run. Chargers 14 - Texans 0; 12:57 2nd Qtr]

l4blitzer

I thought I read somewhere it is better to drink during the day as opposed to night for digestion and better sleep potential.

corydlg

Burkhead? This play calling is “awesome”

bigfatdrunk

Burkhead’s usage, just by itself, is a fireable offense.

Levy

We are going to get run over

[Texans Possession]

Patrick

Rex Burkhead: the ultimate change of pace RB. But not in the way you want.

bigfatdrunk

The local Austin affiliate is going to switch to a replay of the 2005 Rose Bowl before long.

l4blitzer

Commentators already showing fear of Jacksonville in their voices…the way this game is going, that may not be misplaced.

Patrick

Won’t the Longhorn Network sue?

l4blitzer

That’s still on the air?

Patrick

That’s all they run, or ran, I have no idea if they still exist.

They’d probably sue anyway.

[Texans Defense with another chance to excel. Chargers Possession]

l4blitzer

Any bets on the when we will see the first Mills’ jersey to be set on fire in the NRG parking lot?

Levy

We look badddd

Boys didn’t show up

Patrick

Last year.

vballretired

Give me a Burkhead

vballretired

Old, white, and slow. You know. Me.

Levy

If the Texans don’t do a jersey swap for [Unperson 2.0], I will set it on fire at the stadium

Patrick

I misread this at first, I thought you were saying you’d set the stadium on fire; which I’d also support you in.

vballretired

Touchdown Bolts

bigfatdrunk

Owens with another tackle 30+ yards down the field.

l4blitzer

So much for the pass defense being adequate…

vballretired

Need something stronger with this game

Levy

This is ugly

This game is turn off able

[Texans run defense playing worse than the pass defense. Ekeler with a 20 yard TD run: Chargers 21 - Texans 0; 10:00 2nd Qtr]

l4blitzer

At this point, I might, just might, almost consider a split screen to see if Judge is intentionally walked in his at bats.

Patrick — Today at 1:56 PM

Ewwwwwwwwwww.

l4blitzer

I know…I wouldn’t have thought of saying that, but then the Texans are footballing worse than last season…

[If at first you don’t succeed…well, regardless, Texans possession]

Levy

Davis Mills cannot play this sport

bigfatdrunk

Good for Pierce! He’s literally the only Texans’ player on the field worth the price of a ticket.

Patrick

Dameon Pierce on the other hand...

That was magnificent.

[Well, that’s one way to avoid the shutout. Pierce with a 75 yard TD run…yes, an actual big play run. Chargers 21 - Texans 7; 9:48 2nd Qtr]

Levy

Dameon Pierce have my children

Patrick

Time for more Rex Burkhead now.

l4blitzer

That’ll set up the CHUM…

[Chargers Possession]

l4blitzer

…and the Texans run defense shows improvement…only giving up a 14 yard run.

Levy

Chum chum chum

Patrick

I’m not good at Madden so I play on easy mode, that Chargers run looked like a run I would conjure up in Madden. Just unstoppable by defenders until I decide to take pity on them and put myself on the ground.

Is that Denny’s to-go menu Lovie has?

[DURGA], this defense takes no effort to shred.

l4blitzer

Herbert with busted ribs: Not sure how I’ll do today.

Coaching Staff: We have the Texans.

Herbert: Ok, I’ll give it a go.

Texans missed the turnover chance.

Patrick

Hey, a Chargers drive that didn’t end with a touchdown. That’s novel.

[Chargers ignore analytics. 23-yard FG: Chargers 24 - Texans 7; 4:35 2nd Qtr]

Patrick

For a hot second there I thought Pierce did it again.

[Texans Possession]

Patrick

Welcome to the game, Nico Collins.

l4blitzer

Hey…did Mills complete a long pass to a teammate again?

Patrick

You know if Davis Mills ever learns how not to lock eyes on Brandin Cooks, Collins will be a [KITTEN] of a player.

Or at least he might be able to contribute something or other.

l4blitzer

…never mind

…never mind the previous never mind.

Levy

Gerald Everett is big

[DURGA] I hate this offense

Patrick

Two minute warning.

Go for it, you ninnies.

bigfatdrunk

This is such an awful football team.

[Davis Mills gets sacked on 4th and 1. Chargers Ball]

Patrick

Ladies and gentlemen and non-binary folks,

My previous post said the Texans should go for it on fourth down. We regret the error.

Sincerely,

Management

Levy

That was the worst fourth and 1 play I will ever see

You’ve got to be [KITTEN]ing kidding me

l4blitzer

For the Texans, the season is still young.

Patrick

That’s the best part. We have no idea what new and innovative ways of screwing up this team has developed yet. It’s going to be an adventure!

Levy

My [DURGA] Herbert can sling it

Patrick

First LIIT of the day ordered.

l4blitzer

Remarkable you showed such restraint given the way this half is going.

Patrick

Mostly I couldn’t get the waitress’ attention before now.

l4blitzer

Ah…there is that.

Patrick

Otherwise I might be 1 1/2 sheets to the wind already.

Wow. I have no words for that.

l4blitzer

A penalty on San Diego…[KITTEN] It, I did it again….LA Chargers with the penalty. Was that a mercy move?

Patrick

At least nothing I can say here.

l4blitzer

Disregard. Chargers wanted to offer a master class on how to execute a 3rd down.

bigfatdrunk

Owens with yet another tackle 20+ yards down the field.

Patrick

Best safety on the team, BFD. Best safety.

bigfatdrunk

THERE IT IS. LEADING TACKLER!

vballretired

Like being the valedictorian at summer school

Patrick

C’mon y’all, stop dragging this half out. Nobody wants to see this. [KITTEN] I barely want to see this and I have a vested interest in their success!

vballretired

Or being first chair chair trumpet in Edna, TX

Patrick

The last two minutes of this half have taken, in my rough estimate, about two hours and 15 minutes to complete.

vballretired

I love listening to the radio feed. Did y’all know Hopkins is from Clear Lake?

Patrick

All I know is Kenyon Green is from my hometown.

This is why it’s so wonderful to NOT hear the game being played.

[Chargers with the 37 yard FG. Chargers 27 - Texans 7; Halftime]

HALFTIME REACTIONS

vballretired

This is a bad football team. There’s no other way to put it. It’s similar to watching the Astros at the beginning of the last decade. You do the best you can to enjoy the few good players you do have. Pierce is a really good looking young player. Let’s focus on that.

l4blitzer

Want to know the difference between these two: Texans have 2 possessions inside Chargers territory and get 0 points. Chargers have 5 possessions inside Texans territory and get 27 points. Without Pierce, this would be down there with the worst halves in Houston Texans’ history.

vballretired

How does one complete 13 passes for only 76 yards?!

l4blitzer

….YOUR 2022 HOUSTON TEEEEXXXXXAAAAANNNNNNSSSSS!!!!!”

vballretired

I was going to say the difference is 20 points but that might be too literal.

The honest to [DURGA] question is whether you continue running it because you are actually good at it or try to pass to get back in it?

[Second Half]

vballretired

Now that’s a drop

Patric

Made a thing.

vballretired

Burkhead!

Patrick

Oh boy, Rex Burkhead. ::kills myself::

bigfatdrunk

Burkhead has now done a thing, so we cannot talk smack about him the rest of the game. Them’s the rules.

Patrick

So let’s recap. The Texans have scored, 20, 9, and 20 points in their three games. I kind of want them to get a safety and stop scoring and see if we can keep that going.

l4blitzer

At least until he does something else dumb

vballretired

Hahahagahahaha

l4blitzer

Laremy Tunsil on the other hand…

vballretired

Can you delay and false start on the same play?

l4blitzer

The Texans know that the idea is NOT to get as many penalties as possible, right?

Patrick

That’s the kind of innovation I’m talking about.

You know, if you view the Texans as less a football team and more a performance art piece trying to represent a football team trying to do thing other than score, then they’re [KITTEN]ing brilliant.

Wait...THIRD AND 25?!?!

[DURGA] [KITTEN]ing [KITTEN], this team.

vballretired

Burkhead on 3rd and a ton

Patrick

Halfway through the second LIIT and the game is starting to become more enjoyable.

l4blitzer

In the words of the classic Looney Tunes cartoons…”Was this trip really necessary?”

[Texans do what you would expect for the 1st possession of the second half. Chargers with the ball]

[Ed. Note: That would be [KITTEN]-all nothing.]

vballretired

I was thinking they took a wrong turn at Albuquerque

Patrick

That would be a better excuse for these bad results, too.

I know I’d be [KITTEN]ed up after going to Albuquerque too.

vballretired

Gotta get that blue

l4blitzer

Wait, will we have to offer a primer for all the young people who, deprived of the joy of Saturday morning cartoon, won’t get the Looney Tunes references?

vballretired

Boy I say boy

[Editor’s Note: That is a Foghorn Leghorn reference for everyone born after the Cold War ended]

Patrick

Aw man, I’d like to think Looney Tunes references are pretty universal but then again I am 40 so my sense of universal is all kinds of skewed.

l4blitzer

We now get to the part of the game where we all cheer for the running clock.

vballretired

Cashman out with concussion

We may actually outgain them on the ground

l4blitzer

The Texans with that Acme endorsed pass defense that worked so well for Wil.E.Coyote.

Patrick

Jack Q. Easterby, Super Genius.

Wait.

Levy

Austin Ekeler can play football

Patrick

Jack E. Sterby: Super Genius.

vballretired

He paints the road on the cliff

[Suprisingly, the Texans defense forces a punt…or maybe the Chargers are letting up a bit…either way, Texans ball]

vballretired

It’s time for a screen pass to Burkhead

They’ll never see it coming

bigfatdrunk

WHEN IS IT NOT????

vballretired

Giants and Bears in what must be a thoroughly enjoyable game

Patrick

Bills and Ravens in a fight too.

vballretired

I think the game plan must be to get Mills’ completion percentage over 60 for the season.

Patrick

I feel like we should concoct a conspiracy to get Cal McNair canceled the way that the owner of the Phoenix Suns did, because he had to sell his [KITTEN]ing team.

It’s the only way to save us.

vballretired

Holy cow, a chunk play!

l4blitzer

Are the Texans…are the Texans moving the ball forward…in Chargers’ territory?

Patrick

I’m not saying anything, I just think we need to get BFD in a panda suit and make untoward advances to Cal McNair on camera so we can blackmail him into selling the team to Mark Cuban or some [KITTEN].

vballretired

BURKHEAD!!!!!!!

bigfatdrunk

STAHP IT.

Patrick

(l4blitzer) the fourth seal being opened is Rex Burkhead scoring a touchdown.

Which part, BFD?

l4blitzer

Apparently

Patrick

You cannot fault my plan for its logic.

bigfatdrunk

Anything good about Burkhead.

Patrick

Oh. That.

[Mills with a 8 yard TD Pass to Burkhead (Not a TE): Texans 13 - Chargers 27; 1:12, 3rd Qtr]

Patrick

That we’re only 13 points down is nothing short of shocking.

vballretired

Texans announce they just signed Burkhead to a three year extension for 45 million guaranteed.

Patrick

If they did that, I’d quit. I don’t care if that means giving up my stipend, I’d quit being a Texans fan.

I’m happy Beth Mowins is calling this game. It makes me feel nice that she’s getting a shot at NFL games.

vballretired

Good voice

Patrick

I gotta admit, it still feels odd to hear a woman’s voice calling games, but that just means we need more of them to make it feel like a normal Sunday.

[Chargers Possession]

Patrick

Er, I mean to normalize women calling professional football, that is.

l4blitzer

Better than Brent Musburger or Joe Buck to be sure.

Patrick

Realized that could’ve been taken the wrong way.

Oh easily, easily.

Oh thank Durga only one quarter to go.

vballretired

The Brent Musburger drinking game is classic though

[4th quarter: Texans 13 - Chargers 27. Time for the Texans to shin….er, well, maybe they might get a point in the 4th?]

vballretired

There a difference?

Patrick

With this team, who knows?

vballretired

Hey, I have a nice cigar waiting for me. At least I can celebrate a Horned Frog win.

Holding on a running play. That’s just…..

Levy

Currently the Texans-Chargers are the only non one possession game on right now

vballretired

Fields with another brilliant performance.

8/17 I think

Patrick

Shine or [KITTEN] l4blitzer?

l4blitzer

Shine…but given the team’s performance to date in the 4th, the other could apply.

Patrick

Oh that’s right. Everybody, keep an eye if the Texans score any points this quarter.

vballretired

Watching this offense is like watching our cat try to sneak by our Rottweiler

[Texans possession]

Patrick

Jerry Jones applauding like he just sucked the soul out of a concessions attendant for fun AND profit.

Oh [DURGA], it’s so much worse than I felt like it was., the fourth quarter, I mean.

[DURGA][KITTEN], I don’t care if it does get us a first down, stop giving the ball to Burkhead. I don’t want to encourage this behavior.

Woooooooooooooooow all those empty seats.

vballretired

I hate the frickin Chargers. They are single handedly keeping Burkhead employed.

Patrick

So where’s the flag?

That’s a good catch but where’s the flag?

l4blitzer

Welcome to the offense Nico Collins

Patrick

OH MY [DURGA] WE SCORED IN THE FOURTH QUARTER!!!!

bigfatdrunk

Great, now Mills is suddenly a HOFer again.

vballretired

Holy kittens! A fourth quarter score!

Patrick

HOLY[KITTEN]HOLY[KITTEN]HOLY[KITTEN]HOLY[KITTEN]HOLY[KITTEN]

AWLEITJAW;OINAERT;LERWHJE;SLRKGJWEF;OISHGEW;TKEJG;LK

vballretired

Yup it’s a pyrite game

Patrick

This game feels like lead.

[Mills with the 18 yard TD to Cooks. Texans 21 - Chargers 27; 10:02, 4th Qtr.]

vballretired

Fumble!

Patrick

Wait, wut?

[Chargers fumble the kickoff. Texans with the ball at Chargers 16]

vballretired

Strip sack. Never mind

Patrick

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

bigfatdrunk

[KITTEN] Howard might be kinda bad.

Patrick

Firing off the last of my LIITs of the day.

Tytus or OJ? Because I’d believe either.

bigfatdrunk

I don’t care about the game. I care about the guys who will contribute in 2023 and 2024.

vballretired

Green got beat

Patrick

Looks like he’s hurt too.

l4blitzer

Words I never thought I would say, but that Fairbairn miss in the 1st quarter is hurting the team right now.

Patrick

Brace yourselves, time for another Fairbairn FG try.

This feels wrong. We’re this close and it feels wrong.

vballretired

Just so they can break our hearts

[Fairbarin actually makes a FG (40 yards). Chargers 27 - Texans 24. Texans with their 1st 10 4th quarter points of the season, 8:30, 4th Qtr]

Patrick

That would imply that my heart was able to be broken.

vballretired

Heartless bastard

Patrick

There’s so many blonde women and kids at the next table I’m not entirely convinced I’m not sitting next to a cult.

That’s me.

Why does Lovie’s beard look green?

vballretired

Hey, you gotta be tough to be a Texans fan

Patrick

it looks just the vaguest hint of green.

bigfatdrunk

The loudest NRG has been? With a half crowd???

Yeah, no.

[Chargers possession]

Patrick

Maybe through the whole game? Because [DURGA] knows there hasn’t been a lot to be cheering over.

vballretired

Chargers are chargering

l4blitzer

This is the same coaching staff that derped the tie and surefire playoff spot last year, so should we be surprised?

Patrick

Wait, what playoff spot were we in contention for last year?

vballretired

Williams owns this secondary

Patrick

I must have blinked and missed it.

l4blitzer

The Chargers coaching staff. We haven’t derped a playoff spot in seasons

vballretired

I think he meant the Bolts

Patrick

They should’ve tied the Raiders last year, dammit. That would’ve been the greatest game ever.

l4blitzer

I was hoping for a derptastic 0-0 tie, but it would have been a 35-35 tie that was incredibly entertaining.

…and Stingley is hurt.

Patrick

Oh great.

vballretired

Browns losing at least

l4blitzer

Ravens gonna blow another lead?

Patrick

Oh [DURGA], we’re gonna tie this game, aren’t we?

vballretired

0-2-2 baby!

Patrick

Guess I shouldn’t be surprised to see a crypto ad at the Death Star.

l4blitzer

YAS!!!! Double Tie. YAS!!!!!

bigfatdrunk

12 men on the field LOLOLOLOLOLOL!

Patrick

Ooooooooooookay.

vballretired

More stupid football

Patrick

Stingley back on the field.

[Houston Timeout]

Patrick

LOL.

That was pitiful.

vballretired

That’s deflating

l4blitzer

Ah yes…Chargers remembered that the Texans had trouble stopping that forward pass thingy.

vballretired

Voodoo witchcraft that passing game

Patrick

Is it weird that I kind of want to see what Lovie’s beard would look like if it were upside on on his head instead of where his beard would normally be?

vballretired

Symmetrical?

Patrick

Now he’s hurt again.

bigfatdrunk

Get Stingley T[K] out of the game F[K]S.

Patrick

Aw [KITTEN], we’re going to be without him for a while now after that.

vballretired

Defensive holding on a [KITTEN]ing running play?

Patrick

Ugh.

l4blitzer

Ladies and Gentlemen (and all others): Your 2022 Houston Texans

vballretired

Where is intercept cancer in the body?

Cue Don Meredith

bigfatdrunk

Perfect.

bigfatdrunk

Sadly, Owens would have had another tackle of 15+ yards if he’d made it.

Patrick

This team is all [KITTEN].

vballretired

Nah just three quarters [KITTEN]. Pierce erases one fourth an [KITTEN]

[Chargers remember that the Texans are not a good run stopping team either. Ekeler with a 14 yard TD run. Chargers 34 - Texans 24; 2:34, 4th Qtr]

bigfatdrunk

re: [KITTEN] - that seems fair.

[Houston Possession]

vballretired

Maybe Moore shouldn’t be playing. Just whistling in the wind here.

Patrick

Okay, mostly all [KITTEN].

bigfatdrunk

That’s Mills’ game, right? Look great on one drive, then look like absolute [KITTEN] the rest. It’s his MO.

Patrick

Glory to all swamp-[KITTEN] offense.

Because you can live with swamp [KITTEN], you might not enjoy it, it will not be the highlight of your day, but you can get through the day with swamp [KITTEN].

The Texans are a swamp-[KITTEN] team.

vballretired

Oh, I’m Lamar Jackson. I can run it! Oh kittens, I’m Mills. Never mind.

l4blitzer

Ah, the Texans going with the patented 4th and 16 game deciding conversion play.

bigfatdrunk

Needs MOAR Driskell.

[2 minute warning]

Patrick

Oh man did he make an appearance when I was away or something?

[DURGA][KITTEN], Pep, I thought we had an understanding there!

vballretired

Is he active?

Patrick

We should’ve known our offense wouldn’t be saved by someone named “Pep.”

bigfatdrunk

Bills game: worst roughing the passer I have ever seen.

Patrick

If you had told me the Seahawks would score 41 points on ANYBODY this season, I’d have said you were insane, yet here we are.

vballretired

Let’s punt

Patrick

Works for me.

Two minute warning.

l4blitzer

Too late for the quick kick…which Culley would have done on 3rd down.

vballretired

Interception and holding

Patrick — Today at 3:57 PM

vballretired

Two fouls and an interception. Both on Green.

I’m smelling a really bad PFF coming this week

[4th and 16 play results in Chargers INT. Texans with 2 penalties to boot. Chargers Ball]

bigfatdrunk

Why call the timeout, Lovie? J[K][D].

Patrick

Just let this team die.

vballretired

I saw a restaurant serve whiskey in a glass placed in a smoking box this weekend. I’m thinking that sounds good about now.

Patrick

Yeah, that sounds fun about now.

l4blitzer

Continuing the Looney Tunes theme…cue the “That’s All Folks” sign

Patrick

Hang on.

[Somehow, Texans get the ball back. Bettor’s delight?]

Patrick

I usually save this for the season finale.

Unless they score a touchdown here, it won’t matter. The Chargers were like 6 point favorites.

bigfatdrunk

The Texans are an immensely stupid team.

vballretired

Did the Raiders win yet? If so we are the only winless team.

[Final: Chargers 34 - Texans 24.]

Patrick

Raiders haven’t played yet.

vballretired

Bills beat Ravens. Fifth straight home loss for the Ravens. I don’t particularly care. I just want someone else to be miserable.

l4blitzer

Dallas thrashing the Redsk, the Football Tea, I mean the Commanders, so fans in the DMV will all be miserable.

Patrick

Jets might actually beat the Steelers.

vballretired

They fumbled at the goal line

Called a touchdown

Patrick

Would it be stupid to try and trade for Geno Smith? Asking for an idiot friend. And by friend I mean me.

vballretired

Kyle Allen time?

Patrick

Fat chance.

Davis Mills is the way, the truth, and the future. And I think I’m going to be sick just writing that.

vballretired

What do you want to do? Win as many games as possible or just yank for Stroud/Young?

Yank should be tank

Patrick

This season was a lost season already, might as well put to good use by tanking.

vballretired

This sounds like a UrinatingTree video on YouTube

GAME BALLS: Dameon Pierce. About the only Texans worth watching for most of the game. Busted out a sweet, sweet 75-yard TD run, and notched his 1st 100-yard rushing game of his career. Maybe he gets more than 15 carries if the rest of the team followed his lead for balling out in the 1st half of the game. While he didn’t go enough for a coveted HOTD game ball, we should give a shout out to Nico Collins, who made some nice plays in the passing game to get the Texans within striking distance in the second half. He gets a consolation HOTD “You didn’t completely suck” pat on the back.

A FREE INVITE TO MUCK OUT ALL OF THE BULL STABLES AT THE ON-GOING COUNTY FAIRS: Take your pick of everyone not named Pierce or Collins for the Texans. The Texans defense being equally bad at defending the pass and the run. An offensive line that gave up sacks and penalties at will. A defense that somehow got flagged for defensive holding…on a running play. Fairbairn missing a critical FG…you have multiple options, and none of them would be wrong. Oh, and to the Chargers organization, not only because they allowed the worst team in the league to nearly come back from a 20-point deficit, but for the fact that they won’t change their name. People will still call this squad the “San Diego Chargers” for the next couple of decades at least. You were ok upending nearly 60 years of tradition, may as well go all the way and change the nickname to complete the move.

That is all for this week. Tune in next week, as the Houston Texans will once again go in as an underdog on the road against the vaunted…Jacksonville Jaguars. Jacksonville? Yes, the still division-leading Jacksonville Jaguars.