Three and Out: Thursday Night Football Predictions

Tonight, [UNPERSON] returns to town, leading his Miami Dolphins (4-3) to NRG Stadium to face the resurgent Houston Texans (4-3) on Thursday Night Football. Everybody (color) rush to your televisions and soak in [UNPERSON’S] return. We know he will be relentlessly booed by the Houston faithful, but will he crater under the pressure of a revenge game against his alleged kidnapper, Bill O’Brien?

Let’s see how the Masthead feels about this one...

Tim: Texans 23, Dolphins 16.

In a fitting bit of cosmic justice, a Brock Osweiler fumble—on a sack by J.J. Watt—will be returned for six by Zach Cunningham.

Chris: Texans 26, Dolphins 16.

The Texans pull away late on the strength of a pair of fourth quarter turnovers. I just can’t envision a scenario where there’s a higher power (or whatever) cruel enough to have [UNPERSON] come to down in the midst of a four-game winning streak by the Texans and lead the Dolphins to a victory. This would be “Vince Young Winning in Houston in Overtime” x 100 for me. Were this to happen, I may finally just join Weston in the desert and wander until the windblown sand removes every last ounce of flesh from my body.

Mike Bullock: Texans 20, Dolphins 19.

Lamar Miller breaks an 80 yard touchdown on the first Texans’ offensive play. Then Miami ties it up. Tyler Ervin gets Houston’s second touchdown on a career-best return. Then Miami kickballs their way to a 19-14 lead before the ALL FIELD GOAL OFFENSE saves the day.

Oh, and the Honey Badger gets a pick, Kareem Jackson gets a pick, J.J. Watt gets a pick, Whitney Mercilus catches a thrown fumble after Jadeveon Clowney gets his fourth sack on [NAME REDACTED], and somehow Houston is sitting at 5-3...

BFmf’nD: Texans 23, Dolphins 17.

I can’t see Brock Osweiler beating us. I just can’t. It’s not because he’s good - he isn’t! - but it’s because we should know his game well enough to slow him down, if not outright stop him.

As Kenneth pointed out on Wednesday, we should see a solid offensive output from the team. That said, I believe that BOB has learned over the past four wins that being super conservative is the way to go. He’s been rewarded by it, so it’s classic conditioning.

We aren’t getting our brisket pooping, hwisky peeing unicorns. Instead we’ll get cows with toilet paper rolls on their heads that poop Skyline Chili and pee Zima.

MDC [Editor’s note - MDC two weeks in a row?? My chest! ]: Texans 31, Dolphins 12.

This will be the game that has everyone taking about Houston as a dark horse for the Super Bowl. Those people will look dumb months from now.

Capt. Ron: Texans 34, Brocktoberfins 9.

In a stunning change of pace, Brain O’Brien doesn’t turtle once he has a two-score lead and the offense flows up and down the field at will. J.J. Watt gets a defensive touchdown and leads the defense on a tear that includes seven sacks of [Name Redacted].

Matt Weston: Texans 19, Dolphins 13.

I knew when [NAME REDACTED] signed in Miami he was eventually going to start a game there. Ryan Tannehill is always injured, and {NAME REDACTED] is also just good enough to stick around. I can’t wait until Tannehill is 37 years old in the year 2025 and the Dolphins are still wondering if he’s a franchise quarterback or not.

Anyways, of course, the big universe creating man in the sky aligned the photons, neutrons, and electrons just right so that Tannehill would sprain his AC joint and have it remain painful so we could get [NAME REDACTED] starting, in Houston, one more time. Being alive is so strange and beautiful.

Houston will probably win tonight. The Dolphins don’t have a passing attack. It’s all swing passes. All of their receivers are injured. [NAME REDACTED]’s game is 15 swing passes, 5 horrible throws, 1 great throw, all with a bunch of scotch tape stuck to the bottom of his feet pocket maneuvering. Miami won’t be able to attack Houston’s secondary. They won’t be able to run enough. Houston’s offense will be able to do just enough to win.

It will feel like [NAME REDACTED] never even left. He didn’t. He’s just standing on the opposite sideline.

Welp. It’s a clean sweep of winning Texans predictions. Uh oh.

Use the comments section to predict Thursday Night Football, and above all else - enjoy the game!