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Three And Out: Texans-Patriots Predictions

The BRB staff gathers to predict Houston’s Week One contest against up in New England.

Houston Texans v New England Patriots Photo by Maddie Meyer/Getty Images

I don’t know why the Texans have to play the Patriots this soon. I don’t know why they have to go up to New England again. But I had some orange juice this morning. I’m in a good mood. At least this game isn’t on primetime.

Here are our predictions for how Sunday’s game will turn out.

Matt Weston: Patriots 38, Texans 28.

Until it happens, I don’t think it’s ever going to happen.

Diehard “Big Money” Chris: Texans 23, Patriots 20.

The Patriots are notorious slow-starters, and the Texans’ defense will literally never be healthier in 2018 than they are in Week 1.

I don’t think it signals a shift in power or makes some kind of grand, dramatic “statement”—I just think the Texans will win this game. I think the “new” Texans offense will sputter a bit, but the Houston defense will win the day. Tom Brady runs for his life all day long and the Texans force a turnover on downs near midfield to seal the win.

Luke Beggs: Texans 24, Patriots 23.

Gimme a 17-3 Texans lead heading into halftime, followed by a butt-clenching second half of Tom Brady throwing two touchdowns and the Pats’ offense looking nigh unstoppable before a Kaimi Fairbairn field goal at the end allows the Texans to hold on for a victory.

Jeremy Brener: Patriots 30, Texans 24.

I don’t want to jinx a Texans victory. Blame someone else for the jinx if the Pats win. All I know is the Patriots are coming into the game with a lot to prove as the previous Super Bowl losers. They’re coming into this game for blood.

Mike Bullock: Texans 38, Patriots 37.

An absolute barn-burner of a game as Deshaun Watson comes in and proves that he doesn’t care what anyone thinks of him or Tom Brady, and he wasn’t listening when someone said Brady was the better quarterback. Houston jumps out to a big lead after halftime, but then stalls; Brady and his bunch mount a comeback that is stifled by Jadeveon Clowney’s last minute strip-sack to seal the win.

Cue the talking heads saying Brady needs to retire, Watson deserves a Hall of Fame bust no later than Tuesday morning, and Clowney should get paid more than Khalil Mack.

Kenneth: Patriots 28, Texans 17.

I think Houston’s offense will start slow in the first half and dig themselves an insurmountable hole. Expecting the Texans offense to be in stride and where they were in Weeks 3-7 last year is foolish. I know this Pats’ offense looks like a skeleton compared to past seasons, but we are still dealing with Tom Brady, Bill Belichick, and Rob Gronkowski. New England’s offensive scheme of quick throws to deceivingly fast receivers will once again prevail against a surprisingly unprepared Texans’ secondary.

The master will school the student once again.

Capt Ron: Texans 28, Patriots 13.

New England fans call for Belichick’s head after Houston dominates the Pats in their home opener. The score doesn’t nearly reflect the crushing exhibition where O’Brien’s crew wrecks shop early and often, but then eases up and goes conservative through the last quarter.

Houston’s defense notches seven sacks and five turnovers, including a fumble returned for a touchdown by The Honey Badger. Watson and Will Fuller connect on two deep touchdown plays to put the Pats on their heels. Hopkins soaks over 100 yards in receptions as he breaks ankles throughout the tilt.

There’s a new monster in the AFC!

bigfatdrunk: Patriots 34, Texans 24.

Until Bill O’Brien can beat Bill Belichick, I’m taking the under for the Texans, especially since the Patriots will have a winning record in 2018. With so many new faces in the secondary, it wouldn’t surprise me if Chris Hogan is invisible to our defenders are badly as he was last year.

MDC: Texans 31, Patriots 17.

I figure this is a season where Houston overperforms for the first few weeks, gets people speculating “maybe this is their year!,” and then craps the bed due to injury and idiocy in the second half. Fun stuff.

Uprooted Texan: Patriots 26, Texans 20.

I suspect it’s going to be a carbon copy of last year’s game in that somehow the secondary will get torched by Brady on the last drive of the game.

Tim: Texans 34, Patriots 31.

In the 38 games he played at Clemson, Deshaun Watson lost a total of five times. He never lost to the same opponent twice. Although he only played in seven games last year as a rookie in the NFL before suffering a season-ending injury, DW4 did not lose to the same opponent twice. One of those losses was, of course, to the Patriots.

That necessarily means Deshaun Watson will not lose on Sunday in New England. It’s science.

This also naturally means the Texans, as long as Deshaun Watson is their starting quarterback, will never again lose to the Jaguars, Chiefs, or Seahawks.

Hey, don’t blame me. I don’t make the rules. You want to argue with the cosmos, go nuts.

That’s what we’ve got. What do you got for this weekend?